Capture your Grief 2012

October has come and once again sadness is in part of my heart. Of course I have happiness with my husband and children, but there will always be a sadness and an ache for Ainslee, especially every October. If you remember, October is filled with many events that would be even more special if Ainslee were here. So since she's not here, the ache has returned. October 6th is our annual Walk to Remember. October 9th is my birthday, October 13th is Pappy's birthday, October 20th is Travis' birthday, along with our sweet daughter's 2nd birthday, October 29th. And then there's Halloween, Ainslee's first holiday with us. I've seen an event titled Capture your Grief and have seen what some are doing for this to help move their grief along and embrace it. This is the CarlyMarie Project in honor of Pregnancy and Infant loss awarness month, which is October. As much as I love the support for Breast Cancer awareness, I too wish that all the babies gone too soon got just as much recognition. There's no cure for SIDS and the only sign is death. This Capture your Grief project started October 1st. Each day you are to take a picture or use a picture that reminds you of the topic for that day. There are 31 topics for 31 days. I am obviously 3 days now behind. The first day was sunset. I'm choosing to forego the sunset day because I don't really have any attachment to sunsets. The 2nd day is Before Loss Self Portrait. I will end this post with my before loss self portrait, and follow it with day 3: After Loss Self Portrait. Tonight we had a Transitus at church, also a memorial for our loved ones. We bring a picture of our loved one up to church, place it on a table for all to pray for during the next month. We each say our loved ones name and this year, I had to sadly add my cousin's name. Derek Crook. He was my oldest cousin, at a young age of 33. He passed away the day before his 34th birthday this year. August 21st, 2012. His family is hurting, his mother is aching for her son. And I sadly understand. I get to see my Aunt, his mother, in a week and a half and I can't wait to wrap my arms around her. This month we are also participating in a golf tournament benefitting SIDS. I feel like this month of October has turned into one giant memorial that I'll never escape. I'm hoping to eventually look at it as a wonderful time to do many things to honor Ainslee instead of focusing on the sadness of each event. We are only into our 2nd year of loss so I know it'll take time. My biggest hurdle right now is trying to get through Ainslee's 2nd birthday. The thought of her being 2 is unbearable. I remember Adrian's 2nd birthday and how much we adore his age and to know we won't get that for our little girl Ainslee. That hurts. Here's my days #2 and #3: Before and After loss. I can definitely see a difference in my face, in my eyes, in my heart. I will never be the same girl again...good, bad, or indifferent.

Sorting through the Jumbled Mess

Oh what a mess. I don't even know where to begin to get this pain, insanity, and confusion out. I guess I'll just start from the beginning and hopefully by the end of this I will have some clarity. Either that or remain a jumbled mess.

So yesterday when I was having my sonogram of my sweet baby girl, the sonographer mentioned a couple things that were concerning to me. She just mentioned that she couldn't depict baby's toes yet, and that this one part in the brain she was looking at was there, but she wants to see it more prevalent at my 20 week, along with the outflow tracts of the heart. She saw those, but wants to see them "better" at 20 weeks. Why she thought it was a good idea to tell this mother who has already lost has got me puzzled. I left the sonogram feeling over joyed that God was blessing us with another baby girl...terrified that she would be taken from me also. I also have a subchorionic bleed, a tiny one, but I do have one to say the least. And I'm terrified for that also. I know every mother wants to keep their babies, but Lord, please...I pray, let me keep this daughter of mine.

I wrestled with anxious thoughts last night, fighting the fear. I'm so tired of living in fear. I hate that I worry. I hate that I have this anxiety. And I hate living without Ainslee. The fear is exhausting and I so wish that I could hand it over to God. I think that's easier said than done. If I could literally hand it over, I would. Anyone who suffers from anxiety knows as a human it's not as easy. Those are human emotions that are difficult to escape from.

This morning came and as I still had doubts and fear, I decided to call my OB. I felt his "job" would be to ease the apprehensions, help me get through this phase also. He did nothing short of blaming me for my guilt and my fears, he told me I basically brought it on myself. He said he thought they were doing me a favor by bringing me in earlier to do a gender check but in the grand scheme of it, only hindered the problem. I guess I've now become his problem. He did tell me he thinks she is just fine, that she will be perfect.

He then proceeds to tell me that I need to be having more good days than bad days. I don't even know how to respond to that except to ask,  "have you lost a child?" When you've lost a child, then please talk to me about my grief and about how I should or should not feel. But as if that wasn't enough, he then highly suggests I be medicated for this new condition of grief I have. I need to suppress it and ignore it. I need to get on anti-depressents to have "better" days. It's not that I disagree with anti-depressents, but it's not my choice at the moment for how to filter through my grief feelings. And I especially will not be taking anything during my pregnancy. Those are my personal choices. There are no judgements for those that do. I feel that's what's best for me and my baby right now.

After this, I called the OB line again to ask another question, a question he had brought up during our previous conversation that hadn't been discussed before. But, I am the type of person where information has to register in my head before I really discuss it. It had registered what he had said, so I called to question it again. His nurse called back, also his wife, and explained to me that the sonographer hadn't seen Baby "Hope's" toes but would check that at 20 weeks, it could be a gestational thing. She then told me that I should seriously think about anti-depressents. I can't believe that now days you can't ask simple questions without being viewed as a head case and someone who needs to be medicated. I can't believe I can't cry over my Ainslee without being judged. I can't believe that when someone tells me that they need to check back on certain things at my 20 week mark and I have questions about that and the well being of my "hope" I'm then ridiculed for being a mother.

So, I'm seriously considering finding a new OB. I'm one that really likes consistency and he's delivered my other two babies. I hate change. But, I can't have someone thinking I'm crazy because I'm still grieving my daughter. And if after 5 years, I'm still grieving her, don't judge me. And if after 40 years, I'm still missing my sweet beautiful Ainslee, don't you judge me. ESPECIALLY if you don't know this pain. I would never want anyone to know this pain, but I would at least hope for others who don't know it to be sensitive, especially in the "professional" field.

So tonight our church had a mass for All Souls Day. They happened to have it at the cemetery...the cemetery where Ainslee is buried. Travis and I visited Ainslee first and then went to the service held at the mausoleum. I just sobbed during the first part of it. Grieving for Ainslee, scared for this baby girl, fearful of losing again.

At the end of all this, all the fear and anxiety, I'd like to think that I'm making some head way and gaining some clarity. I'd like to think that I'm going to get through this and that this baby girl will be healthy. And if she's not, we will love her and be so very thankful for another beautiful baby girl. Now that I'm at the end of this post and have scribbled all my thoughts down from the last 24 hours, I still feel like a complete jumbled mess. And while this mess is hard to sort through, I will do it. And I will do it on my own. I will do it with the help from my sweet Adrian and my supportive Travis. I will do it for my sweet Ainslee girl. And I will do it for this wonderful life growing inside me. So, while I may seem like a mess, and my life may seem upside down more times than not.....trust me, I will do this.

She Lives!

God heard me and in my loneliness he provided me with His love, His strength, His comfort. Today, we got up early and decided to go to 9:00 o'clock Mass. We typically go at 11 but figured we'd try to get church, breakfast, and the cemetery complete before noon. Adrian did so well in church this morning. There were two baptisms today, and of course they always bring a tear to my eye. So many memories of my sweet babies in that church.

Every Sunday our church has donuts and coffee following the service and Travis always jokes around about stopping in and getting a donut. We've joked about this for probably 3 years now. Today he seemed a little more persistent about the donuts, there was passion behind his joke. I figured today was the day to stop in, have a donut, and enjoy some juice with our church family. We got our food and sat down at a table with Adrian, he loved the chocolate donut. We don't get them too often. Afterwards, he was able to run free in the big gym they have there with all the other kids. He'd run really fast and then he'd stop for a bit to watch the older boys run really really fast.

As we enjoyed our family time my eye caught a huge flower. It was on the head of a beautiful baby girl. She was sitting in her car seat, smiling, cooing. My heart was being drawn to her and finally I had to get up to see her sweet face. I knew she was around Ainslee's age. I asked the mother if I could see her and she of course said yes so I bent down and talked to her. I touched her little feet, smiled at her, and she smiled back. The mother bent down and took my hand and introduced herself. She said, "I know who you are." I didn't have to tell her my story, she knew. She had tears in her eyes. Her sweet little one is 11 weeks old, close to Ainslee. The mother told me she vividly remembers Ainslee's baptism, that amazes me. I've heard from a few people that they remember her baptism and to me that's just wonderful. They REMEMBER.

As we talked, another woman came up to us, tears in her eyes. She immediately threw her arms around me, baby in hand. She just wept. She told me she's prayed for over 6 months for us now. She said she didn't know if she'd ever get to meet me, but she felt like a best friend because of how much she's prayed for us. She said she wakes in the middle of the night to pray, that she prays the rosary for us, that she thinks of us constantly. And the look in her eyes was the most genuine look I've ever seen. These two women I met were wonderful, they were God sent.

Before we parted ways, we discussed Ainslee and the fact that I have two very alive children. Ainslee is very much alive in Heaven. She is crawling, she is running, she is walking, she is talking, she is being loved...SHE LIVES! These women were so comforting, they reminded me that she is so alive. And to never forget that. I loved how I left church this morning and felt so blessed to have God take care of me in this way.

I got in my car and had a text message from an old friend. She told me that she shared my story with her friend and that her friend was so touched that she is naming her daughter Ainslee, after our sweet girl. She lives on!

As always, we stopped by the cemetery on the way home. We watered Ainslee's flowers and read her Blessings Every Day book. Here's today's story that I wanted to share with you....it really wraps up my day.

For All Time

Anyone who believes in me, even though he dies like anyone else, shall live again. John 11:25

If you've ever had a grandpa, grandma, parent, sister, or brother who died, you know it hurts to have someone you love go away. But Jesus made us a wonderful promise. He said that when we believe in him, after we die, we will live again. We won't live on earth forever. But we will live in heaven with God for all time. And all those people who believed in Jesus and died before us will be there too, happy to see us again.

Although I'm sad when loved ones go away,

I'll be happy to see them again one day.

You see. God heard my cry, he knows my heart, and He is helping me to heal. He is showing me I'm not alone. That in my darkest times, He is there just as He always has been. Today was a blessing. And because of Him, she lives.

Always,

Channan

Broken in Fear

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
~Lifehouse

Feeling so broken. Feeling like I'm coming to an "end" of what I can possible handle. Feeling like I'm falling apart. There are times when I tell myself to breath. To get to the next moment, the next minute, the next second. It's awful to have a broken heart, completely shattered..yet, it still beats. How is that possible? Through all this heavy pain, this extraordinary burden, this confining grief, there has to be some healing through each consuming moment. Do you know what it's like to be completely broken, damaged, falling apart as you know it, and still have to breath air, have your heart beat....live? I'm not sure I can put into words how much I DO NOT want to do this.

The fear that creeps in through all of this is oh so scary. For those of you who don't know me and those that do, I am an anxious person. I've lived a life of worry. I've lived to try and "control" what I can. I've been so scared about the things I can't control. And as if I needed added fear.

When the heaviness began, the fear jumped to new heights. Heights that I thought weren't possible to reach. I tried to control my fear and worry as much as possible before. But now, it's consuming. There's no stopping it. It's constant. Women live in fear for various reasons. And now, this woman, is fearful of everything. I'm fearful of something happening to Adrian, him starting preschool, any cold he may get, any fever he may get, what if he stops breathing, what if his sleep patterns have been altered, what if he's not eating properly, what if this affects his development and him as a little person, what if the grief gets between my marriage, what if Travis leaves me, what if the grief becomes too much, what if Adrian gets a fatal illness, what if it's sudden, what if I can't have more babies, what if I never have another daughter, what if Ainslee was scared, what if she was alone, what if she felt sad I wasn't with her.....I could go on and on. You see the fear....IS CONSUMING.

I'm broken.......and fearful.

Always,
Channan

Songs

So....since Ainslee's been gone, there have been songs that really touch me. Either make me so incredibly sad, make me miss Ainslee, make me feel alone, or comforted...a range of emotions. I wanted to share some of these songs that just really touch me, in one way or another.

If I Die Young by: The Band Perry
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song


I Get a Little Bit Stronger by: Sara Evans
Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger..............

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Love Them Like Jesus by: Casting Crowns
The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to grey
As the little one slips away

You’re holding their hand, you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
They’re desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They’re looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus


A Mother's Prayer by: Celine Dion-played at Ainslee's funeral
I pray you'll be my eyes
And watch her where she goes
And help her to be wise
Help me to let go

Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe

I pray she finds your light
And holds it in her heart
As darkness falls each night
Remind her where you are

Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Need to find a place
Guide her to a place
Give her faith so she'll be safe

Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe

Gosh I miss her. I want her back. I don't want to do this. I don't want to live this life of grief. I want to feel hope, joy, laughter again. I want her here to share that with. These songs just make me sad, but also make me feel comforted because they're our story. Casting Crowns has alway ministered to my heart. They've seen me through some tough times. And once again, they're here for me, God is here for me, in my darkest days. I'm trying every day to get a little bit stronger, but it's sometimes too hard. I do feel so weak. I feel so alone sometimes, so incredibly sad.

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Lord~ Help me. Help me to get stronger. Help me to find hope. Hold my little girl tight and tell her how very much I love her. Since I can't teach her about you, please teach her about me.

Always,
Channan

8 Months

HAPPY 8 MONTH BIRTHDAY to my sweetest little angel Ainslee Ryan! First, I can't believe you are 8 months. Second, I can't believe you're not here to celebrate. 8 months was a big milestone for me. By 8 months, you're getting out of your newborn look and looking closer to being a year old. The only thing at this point that I have to compare what you might be like at 8 months, is to remember what Adrian was doing at 8 months. I'm sure you'd be doing it a lot quicker since you were a girl and also the 2nd born. You would have tried to do everything your brother was doing, I'm sure.

By 8 months you would be babbling a lot. You would be sitting up on your own, you would be on all fours and crawling around our house. You would be pulling up on so much. I can't help when I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner thinking that you should be at my feet pulling up on my legs. I miss that you're not here to do that. I miss that I don't have the joy of seeing you crawl around the corner, the joy of seeing you play with your brother, the joy of your beautiful face. You are so beautiful-I hope you know that. I'm sure you're more beautiful now than ever. I hope you know how much I love you. I hope you know I had so many plans, wishes, and dreams for you.

Since I can't have a picture of you on your 8 month birthday, here is a picture of what your brother looked like at 8 months so that I can try to remember how he was and imagine what you would be like.

I can't imagine you being this old. I sometimes can't imagine having a 2 year old and an 8 month old. This is how it was supposed to be. I just miss how it was supposed to be.

My dear Ainslee...please know that there's not a minute that goes by that I don't wish you were here. I think about you constantly. I wish you were here constantly. Today was such a hard day for me. I felt so out of control, so sad, so helpless. There is nothing I can do to fix this. And all the while, it seems as if life goes on for everyone else. I hate that life goes on. It seems that if you're not here, life should just stop. I know that it can't stop, and I know that I can't bring you back, but just know that your mother wishes on your 8 month birthday for a little peace. This peace comes through the understanding that our Lord will reunite you and I once again and what a celebration that will be. Until then, my girl, watch over your Mommy, Daddy and big brother. We love you oh so much.

Ainslee Ryan Soppe
***Picture taken at 2 1/2 months, just a month before she passed.


Always,

Channan

BitterSweet October

October will be here before we know it. I have so many mixed emotions about October. There is so much going on that month that I initially was looking forward to, and now it'll be a painful memory of what was meant to be. I'll go in chronological order so I don't lose track. :)

October 1st- This will be our first annual "Walk to Remember." I have been going to a M.E.N.D. group (mommies enduring neonatal death) and I have met wonderful people there. I hate the reason we were brought together but am thankful for the time we spend together and the stories that are shared. I will be sending out an email soon to all who are interested in participating in this walk. It's not a fundraiser at all, it's simply a time to remember our children.....my Ainslee. I've started to gather ideas to get our shirts coordinated so our family and friends participating will all match and be representative of our sweet girl.

October 9th will be my 30th birthday. I thought I'd be sharing this special day with my girl. I was so excited to have both of my babies as I jumped into a new decade-one I was not too fond of. I wish I could just skip over this day.

October 15th is National Infant loss and Pregnancy loss awareness day. This will be a day where all around the world a candle is to be lit. At 7 p.m. in each time zone, if you can light a candle in remembrance of all the lost babies and keep it going for an hour, there will be a continuous light burning for our babies that entire day. For more information you can go to http://www.october15th.com/.

October 20th is Travis' birthday. 31's definitely not as cool as turning 30! :)

October 29th used to be the day I would have my daughter in her pink tutu with an enormous bow in her hair and celebrating a year of life. Instead, I'll be at the cemetery. I just can't believe this is how we have to celebrate with her. I miss her so much. Happy 1 year Ainslee Ryan!

To top it all off...October is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month, along with SIDS awareness month. This is a time to really drive SIDS home and teach those who are unaware. I'm not saying we can definitely find a cure, but I know we can all do our jobs to educate.

I came across the following info from another blog that I feel gets the info across accurately:

How to reduce the risk of SIDS

We don’t know what causes SIDS, so we cannot say how to “avoid” it, but we can provide you with the most up-to-minute guidelines for reducing the risk of SIDS and other sudden unexplained infant deaths (SUID). First and foremost, educate yourself and everyone who cares for your baby on how to reduce the risks by following these guidelines:

1. Always lay your baby to sleep face up.

Side and tummy positions are not safe; check with your doctor if your baby has breathing problems.

2. Don’t smoke while pregnant and never smoke near your infant.

While pregnant or considering pregnancy do not smoke. Never let others smoke near your baby. Smoking is a major risk factor for SIDS.

3. Don’t let your baby get too hot.

Overheating is a leading risk factor for SIDS. Dress your baby in as much or as little as you would wear. If your baby is sweating, has damp hair, or a heat rash, he or she may be too hot. Room fans have been shown to reduce the risk of SIDS. Consider using a wearable blanket or other type of sleeper instead of a blanket.

4. Lay your baby to sleep in an approved crib, on a firm mattress.

Do not let the baby sleep on soft things, like a couch, pillow, sheepskin, foam pad, or waterbed. Remove all loose bedding, stuffed animals, and pillows from crib. Crib bumpers are not recommended and can be hazardous.

5. Create a healthy lifestyle for you and your baby.

When pregnant, see your doctor often and do not use drugs or alcohol. Talk with your doctor about changes in your baby and how your baby acts.

6. If possible, breast feed your baby.

Breast feeding has been shown to reduce the risk of SIDS.

7. Offer your baby a pacifier at all sleep times.

Pacifiers have been shown to reduce the risk of SIDS.

8. Put your baby on his or her tummy to play when your baby is awake and supervised.

Make sure someone is always watching. “Tummy Time” is good for your baby because it makes neck and shoulder muscles stronger.

9. Don’t share sleep surfaces.

Adult beds, couches, and chairs are not safe for infant sleep and increase the risk of SIDS, suffocation and accidental infant death. After breast feeding put your baby back in his or her crib.

10. Share these tips with everyone who cares for your baby.

Education is the key to keeping your baby safe

I'll end with the following to try to lift me up before I close....

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." ~Psalm 34:18



Always,
Channan

Happy 2nd Birthday Adrian Reese!

Today is Adrian's 2nd birthday! I can't tell you how incredibly blessed we feel to have spent another year with this sweet little boy. He is such a beautiful blessing and is my personal reason for living. He has seen me in some of my worst moments over the last 4 months and he is quite the little sweetheart. He has comforted me in some of my darkest times...something most 2 year olds aren't supposed to do. He does it naturally. He naturally consoles his mother. It's beautiful.

Today was a wonderful day with our sweet boy. We got up and we headed out to the Fort Worth Children's Museum. We had so much fun and Adrian just loved it. I did pretty well, I wasn't too sad at this point. It was easy to just focus on Adrian...this was His day. On our way to the museum he said Ainslee's name...and then said "in car." I asked if Ainslee was in the car with us and he said, "uh-huh". I was comforted to know she was going with us. She wasn't going to miss out on her big brother's birthday...nothing could stop her from being here with us.


After all of our much needed 3 hour long naps...Both grandparents and our family took our first trip to Chuck E Cheese. Adrian loved it! He had so much fun riding the little rides, climbing through the jungle gym (which Mommy had to do with him)....pretty sure my knees are going to be bruised tomorrow. 29 year olds are not meant for enclosed jungle gyms...but Adrian loved me being in there with him and going down the big slide together. He loved the little shows and loved the "mouse." We ate pizza, cherry tomatoes(Adrian's favorite), and had birthday cake. We had a wonderful time at Chuck E Cheese's. Here are a couple Chuck E Cheese pictures.......

After our Chuck E Cheese fun, it was time to go see sister. Before we left we got two balloons. One for Adrian to keep at home, and one for him to release to his sister. We got to the cemetery and were ready to release Ainslee's party balloon to her. We haven't released any balloons yet to her and so I didn't know what to expect. I had done so well most of the day....and as our sweet birthday boy, our little 2 year old, released a single Chuck E Cheese balloon to his baby sister.....it hit me. She wasn't here, she wasn't around to celebrate with us, she wasn't going to be 2, or even 1. I just can't believe this. I can't believe she's not here. I want her back, it hurts so bad. Seeing the balloon slowly fade into the sky reminded me of how very far away my girl is. This is what our life is now. Visiting a cemetery to keep her close, releasing a balloon so she has a piece of her brother's birthday, trying so desperately to hold onto her. Ainslee has to know how much not only her Mommy and Daddy love her, but how very much her older brother misses her. I see so much of her in this little boy and am so thankful for that.

At the age of 2, Adrian is doing so much and learning more and more everyday. His favorite things are trucks, tractors, cars, dinosaurs, playing hide and go seek, playing in water, digging in dirt...he's all BOY! He knows the colors red, blue, yellow, and green. We're working on orange, purple, white and black. When he counts instead of saying, "1, 2, 3, 4" he says, "no, no, no, no"...it's really funny. I'm so looking forward to watching this little boy grow and seeing his sister in him everyday is just wonderful.

Adrian-Happy birthday to the sweetest boy I know-I love you more than I could ever begin to tell you. You are absolutely my most precious blessing.

Ainslee-I miss you with every fiber I have in my body. I long to hold your body, to feel the weight of you in my arms. Keep a close eye on us, we need you now more than ever. Give your big brother a heavenly birthday kiss, he misses you so.

Always,
Channan

My Heaviness Began 5.24.2011

PREFACE***This is a long post and also is graphic about what happened the day Ainslee passed. It's raw emotion but remember, it's important for me to remember. I never want to forget.
******************************************************************************

Just thinking about writing about what happened...the grief..the terrible things we've had to do since Ainslee's been gone makes me so "heavy." I feel a physical weakness, a cool numbing feeling, a heaviness that consumes my mind, body, and heart. I miss my girl when I walk into Ainslee's room. I get heavy. So many memories, emotions and wishes come flooding in. I still can see her sleeping in her crib-I can even feel her in there. Every night, Travis and I check on Adrian before we go to bed and then go to tell Ainslee goodnight. I leave Ainslee's lamp on all day so I feel like she's still here. Last night when we turned her light off, I stayed in her room for a minute. Her night light was on and I felt her there-she should be in her bed sound asleep. I should be next to her in the guest bed, waiting for her nightly feeding.

I cannot believe she is not here. I cannot believe we have to live without her-we have to live this life of pain and anguish. It all still seems so unreal. I can't believe she's now been gone longer than she was alive. We've spent more time without her than with her. How could this be? The pain is so strong-like it's just beginning. I feel so sorry for Adrian. He should be able to be playing with his little playmate. They were going to be the best of friends. He knows she's not here and I can tell he misses her too. I feel like I didn't do my job as a mother to protect her. I could've been a better mother and advocate for my daughter and I wasn't.

The day everything happened was by far the worst day of my life. I've had 2 other calls to date that people I love had died-but that was NOTHING compared to this call...the call that would forever change me...the call telling me my DAUGHTER was lifeless.

February 8th, 2011 was awful. The morning started out as a very normal joyful morning. I woke Ainslee up at 7:15 to get her dressed. I changed her diaper and had her ready for our daycare lady's. Travis fed her a bottle at 7:30-I was mostly breastfeeding but we had to supplement formula too. Ainslee was happy that morning and ate just fine. The last image of her I have is her sitting in her car seat on the dining room table while I tucked her blanket around her so the kids could leave with Trav. I gave my kids a kiss, told them I loved them, and was off to work. I would never, in a million years, would have thought I'd get the most horrific call just 2 hours later.

Travis dropped Adrian and Ainslee off at 8:00 a.m. The daycare lady said Ainslee was happy and smiling all morning and even flashed her a huge "Ainslee" smile before she laid her down. She said she laid her down for her nap at 9:15. She didn't take her paci when she laid down like she normally did. Ainslee always took her paci.

I was at work and was enjoying my morning when I saw my phone ringing. It was our daycare lady. I had no idea that what she was about to tell me would forever change our family. When I answered the phone I remember her saying, "Channan...I went to get our girl up from her nap and she's not breathing."

WHAT!?!?!?!

Make her breath! Dangit why couldn't she make her breath! She said she did CPR without any response from Ainslee. When I found out 911 hadn't yet been called, I literally hit the floor at work screaming No. This just couldn't be happening. She called 911 and so did my co-worker. I was now faced with a terrible thing-I had to call Travis. After telling him, I ran out of the office with 2 of my co-workers. We drove like maniacs to get to Ainslee. I kept trying to call my mom on the drive, called my sister in law, Travis, firefighters...I had to figure out where we were supposed to go. Once I found out I told Travis-we met at the hospital. I remember seeing the ambulance that brought my daughter there. I frantically was searching for her and was then shown where my baby was.

She looked so little-so helpless.

We got to be in the ER with her while they kept working on her. They worked on her for an hour and the entire time we held her hand, rubbed her foot and pleaded with her to come back to us. I could tell she was gone. Her feet were losing color, her cheeks looked chapped and dry, her tongue has the post mortem look. I will never forget that. It's awful.

The doctor came to me and said they did all they could do and she wasn't coming back. Our little girl was forever gone. Time of death: 11:17. I will always hear that in my head. We stayed with her until probably 2 that day. My father in law picked up Adrian for me-I wanted him safe.

We held our sweet baby, kissed her, pleaded with her to still come back.

This is the day the heaviness began...

Always,
Channan

102 Days of Love! 4.19.2011

Again, I wrote this on 4.19.2011...

Ainslee's 102 "earthly" days were some of the most wonderful days I've ever had. As a mother, having the memories, the hopes, and the love your children, it makes this life worth more than just existing-you actually LIVE life.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Ainslee. I thought, "how am I ever going to love her the same as Adrian?" I soon came to find out I wouldn't. The love I have for Adrian and Ainslee are one in the same-yet completely different.

Each child gave me something a little different. Adrian is my sweetest boy-my partner in crime. He is so funny-always can make me laugh. He's my first born and although a toddler-forever my baby. He's my heart.

My precious Ainslee...she is my girl. She showed me a different love. She was completely dependent on me-she loved her Mommy. She would sit in my lap and we would talk to each other and it was one of the most sweetest sounds. When I would nurse her, an entire sense of peace would consume my body. She had such a contagious smile-so beautiful. Her hair was so dark, her eyes were dark brown, like her Daddy's. And when she smiled-so did her eyes. She is my heaven. When I'd give her a bath, I'd cover up her chest with a wash cloth to keep her warm. By 3 months old, she started to come around to baths. She didn't like to be cold. When she was a newborn, she'd like to get in Mommy and Daddy's bed to snuggle. When Mommy couldn't get her to sleep, I'd sit her upright on my chest...soon she'd snuggle in with her head nuzzled in my neck and she'd quickly fall asleep. It was one of THE best feelings. Heaven on earth.

I loved to put bows on Ainslee, and dress her in cute outfits. I think I had her entire first year's worth of outfits bought in hopes of seeing her in each one.

My love since that horrible day has continued to grow for my sweet angel as I'm sure it will continue to do. In the short time she was here, she showed me so much unconditional love-something you don't find too often. I'd give ANYTHING to have those 102 days back....

"God pick up the pieces. Put me back together again. You are my praise!" ~Psalm 17:14

Always,
Channan

Healing

Today marks the day I am just typing "something" to start this new blog. I've never blogged before but I do have entirely too many thoughts in one brain to contain so I must get them out somehow. The feelings I've had over the last 4+ months are many I've never had before so I think it's time to get them out. Hopefully through my healing, others will enjoy and catch a glimpse of the daily journey/struggle we're on. In preface, I hope to never offend anyone or seem selfish...but some days it may seem that way and I apologize in advance. I've journaled twice since our daughter, Ainslee has been gone and I think today I will go ahead and post them separately to catch you up on a couple of my thoughts thus far. I don't intend to get better through this journey..I intend to get a little bit stronger.

Always,
Channan