I am a wife and mother. I married Travis the summer of 2007 and life really took off. We welcomed our first born, Adrian Reese, June of 2009. We welcomed our second born, Ainslee Ryan, October of 2010 and had a short time with her. She was taken from us in February 2011, just 3 months and 10 days old, from the silent killer called SIDS. 6 months after she passed away, we found out we were expecting our 3rd, due in April of 2012. Our rainbow baby is a girl, sweet Hadlee Hope. We're slowly picking up the pieces and learning how to fit grief and happiness into this crazy thing called life.
My Dear Hadlee Hope,
Today you are 9 weeks old. You are growing so much. You bring so much joy into all of our lives. It has been so much fun to watch you get older and with each week we reach another milestone with you. I am so thankful for each day, each week.
You have been awake more during the day. You love your little parrot that is on your car seat. You think he's your boyfriend and you smile at him and talk to him. It cracks me up. You are pretty good in the car when we take rides. I sometimes have to reach back at a stop light and give you your paci. You love your paci just like Adrian and Ainslee did. Your brother just gave up his paci's this last weekend! We were so proud.
During the day you will nurse on both sides, then stay awake for about an hour and then it's time for you to go back to sleep. So, I swaddle you with your arms in now and that tells you it's time for bed. Your colicky periods have started to ease up. You usually cry if you're needing something or just tired. Sometimes when I nurse you, you get fussy so I have to stand up and nurse you while I bounce and shhh you. It's an art! :)
You've gotten better about going right back to sleep at night after you nurse. You are still in your nap nanny in Mommy and Daddy's room with your snuze on your diaper. You love to smile and talk to me and you are still trying to master the talking. I sometimes hear a little laugh when you are sleeping. You have MASSIVE blowouts in your diapers that leak through and ruin your clothes!
Tonight I gave you a bath and you just love your baths. As I washed your face you just smiled. Our new thing we like to do is sing together. I have loved singing to you. I've never really sang before to our babies. I always try but usually no one likes it. You seem to like my singing. I've been singing songs to you that remind me of Ainslee. I feel like I'm singing to her and telling her story to you through the songs. I feel like it's my way of telling you how I feel about our loss. You are our hope Hadlee and we are so very thankful for you and for your love. I love you to the moon and back.
Yours always- Mommy
Our sweet Hadlee Hope is 2 months old today! I can't believe she is already 2 months old and I am so thrilled to take another picture of her with a new month on her onesie. Adrian calls her Hattie so we've adopted that as her new nickname and call her Hattie girl. She is such a sweet little blessing, as is her big brother. He is so incredibly sweet to her and gives her kisses all the time. Here is an updated picture of her 1 month picture and her 2 month picture for comparison. I take her to the pediatrician next Monday for her 2 month well check and I'll be looking forward to discussing any of my concerns with him. We are entering the dreaded 2-5 month SIDS peak and part of me feels anxious about this and part of me remains hopeful. I pray so hard that we won't experience loss again. And I thank God everyday for blessing us with two living children. I can't wait to share Hattie's growth updates next week!
Well hello! It's been a long long over do post. But, I'm writing a little something since it's been so long. It doesn't matter how many kids you have, you never seem to be fully prepared for a newborn and all that comes along with it. Here's an update in our lives to catch everyone up and hopefully I'll be able to pick back up to blogging on a regular basis. I don't to ever forget what our lives were like the year we became a family of five. :)
The last few weeks have been a lot of trial and error. I started Hadlee sleeping in a bassinet next to our bed. I loved it, she didn't. I think after I nursed her she didn't like being flat on her back. She wouldn't sleep for more than 20 minutes in it. So, it was time to switch it up. So, I started having her sleep in the nap nanny. The nap nanny makes me nervous for some reason, but she will sleep in it at night. She hates for her arms to be swaddled. So, I've adapted swaddling to include it underneath her arms so they are more free. Since we moved her from the bassinet, I can't use the angel care. So, I have her on the snuza (hooked onto the front of her diaper) and swaddled under her arms, sleeping on the nap nanny in our room next to me. Last night, I tried to put her back in the bassinet because I ultimately feel she is safer in there right next to our bed.
The last few weeks, she has been more fussy. It's definitely not reflux, I've had a reflux baby and know what that consists of. She is more colicky. So, I'm reading The Happiest Baby on the Block. I'm slowly getting through the book and trying to implement various techniques to help make her happier. Instead of just nursing 7 minutes, burping and switching sides for another 7 minutes...I'm now feeding for a few minutes on one side, burping, same side for another few minutes, burping, same side again and then switching and doing the same process until she is content with eating. That seems to make her much happier and get her the necessary hind milk that fills her tummy up.
Adrian is doing fabulous! He is adjusting to having another little sister beautifully. He is loving having her around and he loves doing things for us to help me or to help Hadlee. It is so nice to have another baby added to our family. I think it has been equally as healing for him as it has for us. Granted, my heart is still hurting and there is still a bleeding wound. But my 2 living children have helped to slow the bleed.
Today I went out on a run and as I started running, had music blasting in my earphones, I started to feel guilty for enjoying a run. And the entire run I thought about Ainslee and my guilt that can seap in. I miss her terribly. All of our journeys are so different and bring on different emotions. We try to incorporate all these emotions and feelings into our life and embrace them as best as possible.
Things Hadlee loves: She loves to talk, she likes to smile and she is learning to master these two techiques. I love when I can see her little personality start to come through. She loves loves taking baths. I cover her little chest with a warm wash cloth the same way I did our other two. She hates to be cold so I have to make the drying off process a quick one and get her all wrapped up and warm. She loves being bounced and being close to me. I can see pieces of Ainslee and she loves to hear about her big sister. Anytime I try to tell her of her big sister, I get emotional. I'm sure it'll always be that way.
Adrian's birthday is this month and I have been so excited and happy to plan his birthday party. He is such a joy in my life. I love having him and hearing him tell me he loves me every day. He makes the pain of losing Ainslee more bearable. I'm so thankful for these two incredible blessings. I'm also thankful for being Ainslee's mother and knowing that I have a great welcoming when I get to Heaven. I'm so proud of her and thankful that I can say I have a daughter in Heaven. I would much rather her be here, but to know she has made it to the place we are all ultimately praying to be can be motivating. It's motivating in the fact that it keeps me going and keeps my faith. Keep praying for our family. Every day I am thankful to wake to another day with my children and I pray that I will have that same thankfulness when I am waking to them at the age of 80. Hopefully they'll have moved out, but will be very much a part of our lives.