I am a wife and mother. I married Travis the summer of 2007 and life really took off. We welcomed our first born, Adrian Reese, June of 2009. We welcomed our second born, Ainslee Ryan, October of 2010 and had a short time with her. She was taken from us in February 2011, just 3 months and 10 days old, from the silent killer called SIDS. 6 months after she passed away, we found out we were expecting our 3rd, due in April of 2012. Our rainbow baby is a girl, sweet Hadlee Hope. We're slowly picking up the pieces and learning how to fit grief and happiness into this crazy thing called life.
A very happy 3 months to my sweet Hadlee Hope!
My dear Hadlee,
You are growing bigger everyday...literally! You now weigh 12 pounds! And you have the cutest little butt rolls next to your butt. Makes it look like you have 2 butts, I love it! Your thighs are getting chunkier and it looks like all of Mommy's milk goes straight to your cheeks! The ones on your face. :)
You are smiling, talking and love to try and use your legs. You try to push straight up when I hold you on my lap so you stand. You have some mean cradle cap that I try to scrub off a bit with a brush during your baths. And you absolutely love your baths and the water so it makes it super easy to scrub. I can pour water from the wash cloth over your head and it'll trickle down the sides of your face and you don't mind it one bit. Your brother isn't too fond of water being in his face and eyes (we're currently battling swimming lessons) so I'm trying to get you more used to water in your face during bathtime. And you seem to really enjoy it.
You have really started to show an ability to try and roll over from your back to your tummy. Anytime you are in your bouncer, you're trying to spin over onto your tummy and you have to be watched constantly so you don't actually flip and get stuck! That would scare Mommy for sure.
Speaking of scares, last night your snuza alarm went off and I shook you to wake up. You were fine and breathing but it sure did scare the daylights out of me. I think it just got stuck too far to the side of your diaper and didn't register your movements. At least I hope.
You are in one of your non nursing phases so Mommy is pumping milk for you and feeding bottles. I do occasionally still nurse you but you get frustrated after eating on one side and then I have to end up pumping anyways and feeding you the rest. I took you to a SIDS support group meeting the other night though and breastfed you at the restaurant. My first time ever to breastfeed in public. I was so excited about this! I felt like a great mother.
You are taking about 4 ounces in each bottle. You still get swaddled when it's time to sleep. Your brother held you yesterday and helped to feed you some of your bottle, with us right there of course. He absolutely loved being a part of caring for you. He loves you so much. Just as we all do.
You are still in a size 1 Pampers diaper and can fit some 0-3 month clothes but are moving more into the 3-6 month clothes. You got to go to the family lakehouse 2 weekends ago and are going again this weekend. I am so thankful to have been able to take you there. I love you so so much Hadlee. I pray every day for your health, for your growth, and for Jesus to constantly breath life into you. Please don't ever leave us my dear girl, we love you too much.
So I'm posting about Hadlee's little urgent care visit when she was 2 months and 4 days old. I want to remember what we went through in case we ever have that happen with another child, I will know that we can make it through it and things will be fine. I have a much more important post later today!
So, rewind to Friday, June 15th. Travis was at work and I laid Adrian down for his nap. Soon enough, H was ready to lay down for a nap too. So, I got her swaddled up and laid her in her nap nanny. She slept for about 40 minutes, just enough time for me to fall asleep. She woke up and I was frustrated that I didn't get any nap in. I was just exhausted that day. When she woke up, she felt warm but I associated it with her swaddle. So, I got her unswaddled and took her into the living room. She still seemed warm after 30 minutes so I took her temp, temporally. It registered 99.5. I called the pediatrician because it was 4 on a Friday and I knew they were closing soon. I knew it was low grade but just wanted to see what to do if it changes at all. They did tell me to go ahead and just take her to Cook's urgent care to get her checked out.
When I would hold her, she would kind of grunt when she was breathing and I didn't like the sound of it. So, I called Travis and had him come home early. I really didn't want to take Adrian in the facility, trying to avoid getting any further illnesses.
As I arrived at the urgent care, I checked her in and they immediately got me in the check in area. They took her temp rectally and it brought back a lot of emotions. I've never taken my kid's temps rectally as I've felt it's such a little area and so private. I've always felt it's so personal. The day Ainslee passed away and was in the ER, I remember holding her hand and all of a sudden a nurse came in and undid her diaper and stuck a thermometer in her bottom. No asking, just did it. And I understand why they were just working so diligently to try and save her and monitor her temp to see what the reading was. But, I vividly remember in that moment feeling so violated for her and thinking "my God, she is so little, have mercy on her please."
The nurse at the urgent care taking Hadlee's said her temp was 102.4. I instantly fell apart. How could there be such a discrepancy in readings from just 30 minutes. And of course the flashbacks from the ER came in and I felt like we were back to surrendering to fear.
They got us back and did a series of testing. They ended up catheterizing her, drawing blood, and doing a chest x-ray. Every initial test came back normal. They gave us the option of taking her home and treating for fever, or doing a spinal tap and giving a shot of antibiotics just in case it was a bacterial infection. I barely got through a rectal temp reading so there was no way I was going to electively consent to a spinal tap. We took her home and treated for fever. They wanted me to bring her back in the next day for a recheck. I did and they still felt they were seeing a viral infection making it's way through. That Saturday night at 8 pm was the last time we had to administer tylenol. Through this process, I ended up having to pump and bottle feed Hadlee for the first time to ensure she was getting enough fluid. The last thing I wanted was dehydration. During that, she decided it was easier to feed from a bottle than from me which made me so sad. I was able to get her back to nursing the following week but we're on a no nursing phase again this week. So, I'm pumping and feeding her the bottle. I do occasionally nurse her on one side and she will eat okay on one side and then get really angry and frustrated when I switch her and then falls apart. So, I either warm up some already pumped milk or finish pumping off what she hasn't eaten and feed her that.
All the blood cultures and urine cultures came back normal so nothing bacteria wise was growing out. She sure gave us a scare. Of course 2 weeks after Ainslee had a fever, she passed away. So, the countdown began. We've passed that two weeks and she has been fine. It was such a scary time for us and I was fearful my breastfeeding days were done, but we're pushing through. I'll update with her 3 month a little later....the little stinker is waking up and ready to eat! :)
I have been in the biggest blog funk I've ever experienced. I have so many things that come up that I totally want to blog about and then the beautiful chaos of babies and life stop me. Which I am completely fine with. We had a scare with Hadlee when she was 2 months and 4 days old. She got really ill and I've wanted to blog about that and our experience. Adrian turned 3 at the end of June and I want a post for his birthday. Of course I want to update on our Hattie girl and all she's doing. But first, let me talk about the wave of grief.
Most times, since Hadlee's been born, I get so consumed with the busyness of taking care of a newborn/baby, taking care of a toddler, being a wife, trying to keep up with the house and life that it doesn't leave much emotional energy to grieve as heavy. Every day I think of Ainslee, I remember her. I think of our time together and little things I miss about her. But when I find myself falling into the depths of grief, one of my living children needs me and I quickly jump onto what it is they need me for and then get lost in life. Because of how busy we are most days I'm not allowing myself to get consumed with grief.
Today I handed off Hadlee to her Daddy so I could eat dinner and happened to glance at a picture of Ainslee, one of her most precious pictures. May be one of my favorites...This one:
I've found that when I look at her pictures now I feel the heaviness again. And just like that, as I stared at her picture...the heaviness was back. And I gave into grief. I sat at the kitchen table and just wept, mourning once again for the daughter I've lost, the daughter I miss terribly, the one I'll never get to watch grow up. As I even write this, I find myself having to remind my lungs to breath. The wave of grief has struck today but I still stand grounded, blessed, and stronger. Last night I took Hadlee to a SIDS support meeting where I met with 5 other mothers who all lost their babies to SIDS, ages 3-5 months of age. Tears were shed and I couldn't help but look at my Hadlee and feel so incredibly blessed to be given another chance. But I also feel so disheartened at the loss of Ainslee. I miss my 21 month old running around here, what she'd look like, who she'd be, the love she would give me and the love I could give to her.
Today I gave into grief and grief won. But, I will say that there are more days that I am winning the battle and allowing myself to grow in strength. It's not an easy road and I've found myself losing my patience, having more anger, and not being the normal "Channan" so to speak. I'm going to find a way to work through that and I associate it all with feeling like I need to have control over every situation yet not being able to have that control all the time. I get sad at the friendships that have changed that I hope to one day restore. I'm not sure if those friendships will ever be salvageable due to not feeling like I had those people at the time when I most needed them. Again there is way more to sort out in this head of mine then I am able to type. Maybe one day I will be able to be fully honest with my feelings to those who have hurt me, made me feel like I should be "better", and those that haven't been there the way I thought. Sorry for the tangant.
Hadlee will be 3 months old tomorrow! Just 11 days away from Ainslee's age when she passed away. Maybe that's why I'm getting more anxious, more angry, more unpredictable. While I understand that about myself, I'm not sure that anyone else does. I just keep praying my way through each day.