Sorting through the Jumbled Mess

Oh what a mess. I don't even know where to begin to get this pain, insanity, and confusion out. I guess I'll just start from the beginning and hopefully by the end of this I will have some clarity. Either that or remain a jumbled mess.

So yesterday when I was having my sonogram of my sweet baby girl, the sonographer mentioned a couple things that were concerning to me. She just mentioned that she couldn't depict baby's toes yet, and that this one part in the brain she was looking at was there, but she wants to see it more prevalent at my 20 week, along with the outflow tracts of the heart. She saw those, but wants to see them "better" at 20 weeks. Why she thought it was a good idea to tell this mother who has already lost has got me puzzled. I left the sonogram feeling over joyed that God was blessing us with another baby girl...terrified that she would be taken from me also. I also have a subchorionic bleed, a tiny one, but I do have one to say the least. And I'm terrified for that also. I know every mother wants to keep their babies, but Lord, please...I pray, let me keep this daughter of mine.

I wrestled with anxious thoughts last night, fighting the fear. I'm so tired of living in fear. I hate that I worry. I hate that I have this anxiety. And I hate living without Ainslee. The fear is exhausting and I so wish that I could hand it over to God. I think that's easier said than done. If I could literally hand it over, I would. Anyone who suffers from anxiety knows as a human it's not as easy. Those are human emotions that are difficult to escape from.

This morning came and as I still had doubts and fear, I decided to call my OB. I felt his "job" would be to ease the apprehensions, help me get through this phase also. He did nothing short of blaming me for my guilt and my fears, he told me I basically brought it on myself. He said he thought they were doing me a favor by bringing me in earlier to do a gender check but in the grand scheme of it, only hindered the problem. I guess I've now become his problem. He did tell me he thinks she is just fine, that she will be perfect.

He then proceeds to tell me that I need to be having more good days than bad days. I don't even know how to respond to that except to ask,  "have you lost a child?" When you've lost a child, then please talk to me about my grief and about how I should or should not feel. But as if that wasn't enough, he then highly suggests I be medicated for this new condition of grief I have. I need to suppress it and ignore it. I need to get on anti-depressents to have "better" days. It's not that I disagree with anti-depressents, but it's not my choice at the moment for how to filter through my grief feelings. And I especially will not be taking anything during my pregnancy. Those are my personal choices. There are no judgements for those that do. I feel that's what's best for me and my baby right now.

After this, I called the OB line again to ask another question, a question he had brought up during our previous conversation that hadn't been discussed before. But, I am the type of person where information has to register in my head before I really discuss it. It had registered what he had said, so I called to question it again. His nurse called back, also his wife, and explained to me that the sonographer hadn't seen Baby "Hope's" toes but would check that at 20 weeks, it could be a gestational thing. She then told me that I should seriously think about anti-depressents. I can't believe that now days you can't ask simple questions without being viewed as a head case and someone who needs to be medicated. I can't believe I can't cry over my Ainslee without being judged. I can't believe that when someone tells me that they need to check back on certain things at my 20 week mark and I have questions about that and the well being of my "hope" I'm then ridiculed for being a mother.

So, I'm seriously considering finding a new OB. I'm one that really likes consistency and he's delivered my other two babies. I hate change. But, I can't have someone thinking I'm crazy because I'm still grieving my daughter. And if after 5 years, I'm still grieving her, don't judge me. And if after 40 years, I'm still missing my sweet beautiful Ainslee, don't you judge me. ESPECIALLY if you don't know this pain. I would never want anyone to know this pain, but I would at least hope for others who don't know it to be sensitive, especially in the "professional" field.

So tonight our church had a mass for All Souls Day. They happened to have it at the cemetery...the cemetery where Ainslee is buried. Travis and I visited Ainslee first and then went to the service held at the mausoleum. I just sobbed during the first part of it. Grieving for Ainslee, scared for this baby girl, fearful of losing again.

At the end of all this, all the fear and anxiety, I'd like to think that I'm making some head way and gaining some clarity. I'd like to think that I'm going to get through this and that this baby girl will be healthy. And if she's not, we will love her and be so very thankful for another beautiful baby girl. Now that I'm at the end of this post and have scribbled all my thoughts down from the last 24 hours, I still feel like a complete jumbled mess. And while this mess is hard to sort through, I will do it. And I will do it on my own. I will do it with the help from my sweet Adrian and my supportive Travis. I will do it for my sweet Ainslee girl. And I will do it for this wonderful life growing inside me. So, while I may seem like a mess, and my life may seem upside down more times than not.....trust me, I will do this.