Friday, July 1, 2011

I wonder what you'd think of me.

Dear Ainslee,

I can't help but wonder. I found myself getting consumed with what things would, should, could be like. What would your laugh sound like? What would your favorite food be? What would your first day of Kindergarten be like? What would your first car be? What would your hobbies be? What would you do in college? Who would you become? Who is the man you would've married? Who are the grandchildren I would miss out on? Who would your friends be? What would you wear the day of your senior prom? What would it feel like to go wedding dress shopping with you? Why don't we get to see you on your wedding day? Why can't I see your Daddy walk you down the aisle, and share a first dance? What are we supposed to do without you? How are we supposed to live a life beyond simply existing without you here? Why is this our life now? Why did this happen to you? What would have happened if I just kept you home with me? What if the daycare lady didn't lay you on your side or stomach? Why didn't I listen to my mother's intuition? How can someone so perfect, so happy, so healthy, just stop breathing? Why couldn't you just breath? Why couldn't they help you breath?

I can't help but wonder what you'd think of me.....

I feel like I've completely failed you. I'm your mother, someone who is supposed to protect you, and I don't even feel I could do that. I'd give my life for you, I'd do anything to save you. I knew from the moment I held you that you and I were meant to be...meant to be mother and daughter. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I just can't help but wonder.....

I love you my sweet girl.

Yours Always,


  1. Try hard not to beat yourself up Channon. You loved your little girl~we can all see that, and we don't even know you. God had other plans for her, for you, and your whole family. No matter what you did that day, the Lord was calling her home. The last part of this verse is so true for us all. (hugs)

    For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:13-16).

  2. She thinks you are an amazing Mother and so do I friend!!! Can't wait to see you at another meeting...hope we can get together before that!!