Saturday, July 16, 2011


Since the heaviness began, I have been told this word "strong" to describe me as a person. I decided to look up the word and see what the actual definition of it is.

Strong~ not easily broken, damaged or destroyed

Seriously!? I am completely broken, I am the most damaged I've ever been, and feel absolutely destroyed. Strong can not possibly be the word to describe me in this state. I know it's said by people that feel they see a strong exterior, but internally, I'm just shattered. I am not strong. In fact, I am quite the opposite of strong. I am absolutely and completely weak, fragile. It's awful.

Some people say, they don't know how I do this, how I can constantly live in a life of grief. I'm not sure how it happens either, I definitely wouldn't chose it. I've also heard that other people "couldn't do this"...DO YOU THINK I CAN!? What choice do I have at this point? What makes people think I'm any different from them? I'm not.

I simply have 2 choices at this point:
1. get up every day, be thankful for my husband, my son, and the time with my daughter...
2. or be done with this life.

You can see the route I've chosen. This is a hard, long road. One in which I'd never wish on anyone. And while I feel like it's my job to get a little bit stronger, the word itself, couldn't be more opposite of how I am today. This is not my strength. I HAVE to be simply carried by the Lord. There's not any other way I could do this. If He wasn't carrying me, if He wasn't my strength, I wouldn't be here. He's shown me that my little boy needs me. He's shown me that He chose me to be the mother of Ainslee, that's something I'd never change.

You see...He's shown me that even on my weakest days, He is helping me with His strength, not mine. While my faith has been tested, questioned, and at times in a state of denial....I'm reminded of the strength that exudes through me. Understand friends, it's not my's His.

John 16:33  I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

I've really been having a rough time. I feel like it's so difficult to really wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. I'm NEVER going to get her back. I just can't believe this has happened. It's such a surreal thing to happen and it's so excruciating to think of living this life without her. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, I feel like just breaking into a million pieces. I miss her beyond words can say. I can't believe my baby's gone.



  1. Channan,
    This post really touched me. I have so many of those same feelings and emotions. I'm so thankful that the Lord is carrying us. You really are so strong. I hope you have a good weekend with your boys. Thinking of you.
    Love and prayers,

  2. Channan,
    You are saying the same words I have typed on my blog many many times. I HATE that we are feeling this. I can't really tell you anything you do not already know. Sometimes I feel like I have no reason to get out of bed. James and I do not have any other children for me to get out of bed for and this hurts so bad..but we do it every day.. We have to right?

    I am sorry. I am SO sorry.

    Know I am thinking about you (and praying)