Friday, July 8, 2011

5 Months

Today is 5 months she's been gone. How in the world has it been 5 months since I've held her in my arms?

We're headed out to the lakehouse this weekend and I'm hoping to have some much needed smiles in addition to all these tears. The tears, the sadness, the pain are all so exhausting. My energy levels and patience are not what they used to be. I don't mind getting away occasionally and I think it's probably good for us, but it's so hard to be away from Ainslee's nursery and from the cemetery. Travis and I go to the cemetery every day b/c we feel closer to her if we can go there and make sure that her "spot" is kept just as perfect as possible. We've had so many problems with grave robbers and it's so hard to feel that devastation each time someone decides to take from us AGAIN. I think we've already been taken from enough at this point. I just don't understand the mentality. We've had this happen probably 5 times. I put out her 4th of July flowers in a cute pot with a little American Flag last Friday and on Sunday night, before the 4th, it disappeared. I hate that. There's only so much we can still do for our daughter so these little things that people do to take from us, from her, are so awful. I always just feel so helpless. I couldn't protect her when she was here, and I can't protect her when she's gone.

So. Helpless.

On a different note, I've got a couple posts to catch up on. My sister had my sweet little nephew last Saturday and I need to post about him and share a couple of his pictures. We're also participating in a golf tournament in August for a little boy here named Holton. He passed of SIDS also. I need to post about that as well soon.

In the meantime, we're off to the lake with Adrian and all our friends. Pray that I'm able to have a relaxing time with people we love while remembering our sweet Angel. I pray that I can feel her presence always, knowing she's constantly with us. I pray that death will not keep us apart. I miss her so.

I love you Ainslee...always.



  1. Oh Channan, I hope you have a wonderful relaxing weekend! You deserve it so... Take time to just let yourself enjoy the little moments and let yourself grieve when you need to. There is no better place to be than surrounded by your Husband, little boy and loving friends.

    It's been 6 months today for me since I've held Maddie Grace. It hurts so much and still doesn't seem real. I will be praying for strength for you too today. I'm so sorry. Much love to you.

    Natalie Ross

  2. I'm glad you are getting away...I hope you have a wonderful time with your family. I can't believe people are taking things from your sweet little girls grave. Makes me sick. I am so sorry!! I'm praying y'all have a fun weekend with Adrian and thinking about your sweet Ainslee. Love ya!!

  3. I have just started reading your blog and as a NEW mommy myself ... I can say that ur an amazing and strong woman ... I hope this weekend helps bring some laughter and fun @ this time in ur life!! I pray everyday that U grow stronger and stronger and KNOW that ur sweet lil ainslee is looking over u!

  4. Hey girl. I have been trying to comment on your blog but have never been able to.
    Thanks for writing about your precious daughter. I know this journey we are both on is next to impossible. Don't listen to what anyone else has to say about you grieving. It's such a personal experience. You do what you need to do to get through each day. If you want to scream then scream. If you want to cry then cry. Do Whatever! I'm thinking and praying for you.
    Maddie will be gone 5 months in a few weeks. I hate it! I hate saying those words!! I want to cry with you. I am so sorry!

  5. Praying for you. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. I think it is so sad that you can't put things on your Angel's grave because of the sick people in this world.

  6. I hope you enjoy your time away, and remember that Ainslee is with you whether you are at the cemetary, lake house, or anywhere else. I continue to pray for your comfort and peace in this, and I appreciate your grieving process and that you are sharing it here. Never apologize for your thoughts and feelings. Your grieving is your grieving, and there is no right or wrong way. Love you guys.

  7. My heart aches for you! I lost my son almost 7 months ago...I am approaching his first birthday. He was exactly 5 months old. 7/28-12/28 2010 I cry just reading your blog...we could all use a much needed vacation from reality! Thinking of you!