Drowning

Since New Year's I have felt like I am drowning. It started a few days before New Year's eve and it has yet to ease up. If anything it's increasing. The storm. This tornado. The grief and the pain. Oh how I hate it.

I thought if I made it through New Year's I'd come up for air. I knew that the storm would pull me under again but if only I could come up for air, for a brief moment, then I could gain some energy to go through the storm again, and again. I feel like I am in the middle of an icy cold ocean, with anchors on my feet, being dragged down to the bottom. Swimming uncontrollably to the top yet never to reach the much needed air. It's like knives in my body, never ceasing to give me a break from the stabbing pain.

I can only assume this grief has come due to Ainslee's 1 year memorial. I'm not sure how to let go of the grief, how to accept what's been given to me in this life and incorporate it into my new so-called "normal." My faith is being tested. How can there be a God that allows children to be beaten in abusive homes, pregnant mothers who neglect their pregnancies and continue down a poor lifestyle, a baby ripped from the arms of their mother at just 3 months old? How could He, the Almighty, allow this to happen? Gosh I sure haven't altered on my faith since Ainslee passed, but boy have I ever felt alone. These are the times you're supposed to feel God and instead, I feel empty. I need to feel Him. I need to feel Ainslee. I want to know she hears me, sees me, loves me, comforts me. I want to hold her. I want to feel her body in my arms. I want to dream with her. It's been so long since I've dreamt with her and I miss her. A dream is such a simple thing. Can't He at least give me that?

I hate to question God. I know it's natural, but I want to be confident. I want to be sure.

My exhuastion has reached a new level. I barely have the energy for anything. I'm trying my hardest at work to get everything done accordingly and I think from an outsider, you'd never be able to tell I'm struggling....which is good from a client perspective. But then the energy I do have that I pour into my work is then drained from my total energy. Meaning, the only energy I have left is for my family. It leaves things like cooking and cleaning absolute last on the list that I have a hard time getting to. I am a neat freak, I like my things in order, clean, and organized. If it's not like this, I am affected mentally. I've been asking Travis a lot to help me with various things and he always does it, but I always hate being the one to constantly ask of help from others. I just don't have it in me anymore.

I'm trying to stay above water but the weights are dragging me down. I'm drowning and I'm trying my hardest to survive. This isn't easy. And I keep praying I'm going to breath again. I don't know when or how to get to a "better" place, but pray that the weights will be set free and I will surface to find some air and gain a little bit of energy to continue on this ever unpredictable grief journey. I get scared that I'm not going to make it out on the other side when the grief gets to be too much. The intensity of the pain is just too overwhelming that I literally think it's killing me. I feel as if my lungs are collapsing and I can't possibly live another moment. I am ready for air.

Always,
Channan