Tuesday, January 31, 2012


Since New Year's I have felt like I am drowning. It started a few days before New Year's eve and it has yet to ease up. If anything it's increasing. The storm. This tornado. The grief and the pain. Oh how I hate it.

I thought if I made it through New Year's I'd come up for air. I knew that the storm would pull me under again but if only I could come up for air, for a brief moment, then I could gain some energy to go through the storm again, and again. I feel like I am in the middle of an icy cold ocean, with anchors on my feet, being dragged down to the bottom. Swimming uncontrollably to the top yet never to reach the much needed air. It's like knives in my body, never ceasing to give me a break from the stabbing pain.

I can only assume this grief has come due to Ainslee's 1 year memorial. I'm not sure how to let go of the grief, how to accept what's been given to me in this life and incorporate it into my new so-called "normal." My faith is being tested. How can there be a God that allows children to be beaten in abusive homes, pregnant mothers who neglect their pregnancies and continue down a poor lifestyle, a baby ripped from the arms of their mother at just 3 months old? How could He, the Almighty, allow this to happen? Gosh I sure haven't altered on my faith since Ainslee passed, but boy have I ever felt alone. These are the times you're supposed to feel God and instead, I feel empty. I need to feel Him. I need to feel Ainslee. I want to know she hears me, sees me, loves me, comforts me. I want to hold her. I want to feel her body in my arms. I want to dream with her. It's been so long since I've dreamt with her and I miss her. A dream is such a simple thing. Can't He at least give me that?

I hate to question God. I know it's natural, but I want to be confident. I want to be sure.

My exhuastion has reached a new level. I barely have the energy for anything. I'm trying my hardest at work to get everything done accordingly and I think from an outsider, you'd never be able to tell I'm struggling....which is good from a client perspective. But then the energy I do have that I pour into my work is then drained from my total energy. Meaning, the only energy I have left is for my family. It leaves things like cooking and cleaning absolute last on the list that I have a hard time getting to. I am a neat freak, I like my things in order, clean, and organized. If it's not like this, I am affected mentally. I've been asking Travis a lot to help me with various things and he always does it, but I always hate being the one to constantly ask of help from others. I just don't have it in me anymore.

I'm trying to stay above water but the weights are dragging me down. I'm drowning and I'm trying my hardest to survive. This isn't easy. And I keep praying I'm going to breath again. I don't know when or how to get to a "better" place, but pray that the weights will be set free and I will surface to find some air and gain a little bit of energy to continue on this ever unpredictable grief journey. I get scared that I'm not going to make it out on the other side when the grief gets to be too much. The intensity of the pain is just too overwhelming that I literally think it's killing me. I feel as if my lungs are collapsing and I can't possibly live another moment. I am ready for air.



  1. Oh Channan, I am so sorry. I remember those days leading up to Samuel's first birthday and it was so incredibly hard... just like he had just died... all over again. I continue to pray that you can keep taking one step in front of the other. I totally can relate to the questioning of God...I felt like I was wrestleing with him all the time... Keep persevering... it will get better... Trust me, you will never not miss her, never not wish she was here, but the Lord will somehow carry you through these unbearable times. He is carrying you now even though you can't feel it or HIm possibly... Praying like crazy for you!

  2. It's normal to question God. We all do because we are flesh and it is human nature to do so. No, we aren't suppose to but it happens. We just have to put our trust in Him and believe that He knows the why. I wish I could say something that will help but I know that I can't. You never get over the grief, you just get stronger. I pray that you can have a sweet dream of Ainslee and that she will visit with you. Praying for you!!!
    We go through life so often
    Not stopping to enjoy the day,
    And we take each one for granted
    As we travel on our way.

    We never stop to measure
    Anything we just might miss,
    But if the wind should blow by softly
    You'll feel an angel's kiss.

    A kiss that is sent from Heaven
    A kiss from up above,
    A kiss that is very special
    From someone that you love.

    For in your pain and sorrow
    An angel's kiss will help you through,
    This kiss is very private
    For it is meant for only you.

    So when your hearts are heavy
    And filled with tears and pain,
    And no one can console you
    Remember once again.....

    About the ones you grieve for
    Because you sadly miss
    And the gentle breeze you took for granted
    Was just......... "an angel's kiss."

  3. Praying for you so much. The anniverssary dates are so hard! Its makes it much harder to think, move even breath. I am praying for you. You are one amazing mama and person! Great big bear hugs!

  4. My heart breaks for you - I know how it feels to question God, question His presence - it's a dark place, one that when you're in the middle of it, feels like you're never going to come out of it.
    But, He is a faithful God - stand on that promise. Even when you can't feel Him - He's there.
    I don't think it's possible to get through life without asking 'Why?', 'Why me?' and the majority of the time there are no answers. But I pray that you will begin to find peace xxx

  5. You can do it- just keep your head up and keep praying. It is okay to ask for help.

  6. You aren't alone in questioning God's plan. I do it myself. I'm continuing to pray for you. (((HUGS)))

  7. I have definitely felt all those same emotions. I question God letting these things happen all the time...why does he want me to hurt so bad? This I don't know but am hoping and praying that there are good reasons why some babies can't stay with their families.

    Thinking of you!

  8. I am so sorry for your loss. I can not pretend to know what it is like to lose a child, but after watching my good friend lose her daughter last year (she and my daughter were just 3 days apart) at the age of 2 1/2, I pray every day for the parents that are faced with this grief. My heart goes out to you, and I commend you for your strength. You don't know it, but you are an inspiration and a living example of faith. Thank you and God Bless.