I wanted to write you a letter to wrap up 2011 and to document where you are, what you are into, and what you love. This has been an interesting year to say the least and you were very much a part of this year and helped us in ways you may never know. I felt it was important to write this down to you so you know just how much we love you and how much you helped your Mommy and Daddy in a year where we felt defeated. I know that there are many more hard days ahead of us, but I've seen that with you by our side, we will make it.
February of 2011 marked the most awful month to date. Your sweet sister Ainslee passed away in her sleep, no explanation except it was her time to be with Jesus. I hate that, but I'm learning to not have a choice but to accept it. As soon as Mommy and Daddy reached the hospital and learned that your sister was no longer alive, my thoughts immediately turned to you and your safety. I had your Grandpa Hook go get you right away to be in his safe care. I remember coming home from the hospital, empty handed without your sister, and you were just waking up from your nap. You were crying, I knew you missed her too. I just sobbed as I held you, and you wanted your Daddy. :) I knew in that moment I would have to cling to you-you would help me through.
The months to follow were devastating. Each day we lived a day without her. But as each day was revealed, I saw her in you. I saw her smile in yours. I see her eyes in yours-even though they were a different color. Your eyes as a baby were bright blue although now I see them changing a bit to have a more greenish tint. Your sweet sister Ainslee's eyes were a beautiful brown, like your Daddy's. And althougth you two have different features, you are both my children and I see so much of her in you.
Days would pass and due to your contagious smile and laughter, I would find myself smiling at the things I absolutely loved about you. Your innocence was hard to not smile at. God knew what He was doing by giving you to me first. He knew you could help me through. I still can't believe how an innocent two year old can always know the right things to say and do. I would get mad, you'd say, "it's okay Momma." I'd cry and you'd hug me, hold me, and say, "you miss Ainslee?" And then slowly, I started to see there were brighter moments in which you and I could simply laugh together.
I took you out of your daycare setting, knowing I needed to be with you all the time. I wanted to watch you breath as crazy as it sounds. You'll understand one day. :) The hot summer days went by and let me tell you, 2011's summer in Texas was a hot one. The hottest one since 1980-something. I was able to go back to work, but only did it from home to be with you. Your Daddy and I decided it would be a good idea to get you back in a part time preschool program and felt the best place would be at our church preschool. It's two days a week from 9-2:30. It was a rough transition for us both, being apart from each other again. It took you about 2 weeks to transition. I still have my moments after 5 months and cry because I miss you every second I'm not with you. Your teacher is amazing. She is the most wonderful caring lady and I feel so comfortable with you in her care. She knows our story, and she is sensitive to it. She knows when I'm sad and she acknowledges it. She has helped me in your transition into "school."
In November 2011, you had your first Thanksgiving Feast at school. I am your home room Mom so I have helped out in many ways throughout the school year with various activities. For the Feast I brought food up there to help set up. I was emotionally elated to see what a wonderful job your school did. They had the cutest little place mats, which I of course kept for you to look at, they said prayers, and I ate a feast with you by my side. It was a moment I will never forget. I was so proud of you for being in such a wonderful program. I was proud of me for allowing myself to try to let go enough to put you in a loving social and learning environment. I was sad Ainslee wasn't with us. But, I knew if she was with us, you wouldn't be a part of this program. I had other plans for you prior to losing her. This is where God wanted you. Where He wanted our family.
This Christmas break came and I took off work the entire time you were home to just have "Adrian/Mommy time." It was great. You were such a helper with the cooking, with picking out new decorations for our house, and by simply being you. You love to help just about anybody with anything. You have to be in the center of it all, helping in any way possible. I think it's the cutest thing. I think you may be the next up and coming Grandpa Hook which is a wonderful thing since your Daddy isn't exactly a fixer upper. :) Don't tell him I said that.
Right now you love to play with your play tools. You love your hammer, your tape measure, and your screw driver. You love to do puzzles of any kind right now. Your favorite puzzles are the firetruck puzzle and the alphabet train puzzle we got for Christmas. For Christmas, Santa brought you a big train table and you love that too. This Halloween and Christmas was a lot of fun with you. This is the first year you understand what is going on. You loved Halloween and you kept saying it was a Halloween Party. I think it was a Halloween party for 2 months....until Christmas came. Grandma Jan got you a big easel for all your coloring and drawing. Mommy got a big craft box for you and put all your markers, crayons, paper, paints, etc in there and you could spend a ton of time painting and drawing things. You love it so much, that you drew all over our dining room walls. You're such an artist!
With Christmas came lights and trees. You had so much fun picking out the tree, putting up the lights, putting ornaments on our tree, and getting ready for Christmas. You loved counting every night to get Daddy to turn the lights on...."3....1....5....6...7..8...go!" It was such a great reminder of all we have to live for. You bring us so much joy and happiness.
You love your Daddy to put you to bed. Every night before you go to bed, or every day before one of us leaves, you always say, "hug kiss." We know that means you want a tight hug and a big smooch. You love race cars, dinosaurs, tractors, towers, and you love when we pull up to a stop light. You like to tell us if it's red or green and if we should stop or go. When you say please, you say, "Meeease." You know the colors red, yellow, orange, green, blue, and pink. You still haven't had a hair cut, you're slow in growing hair but that's okay, I was the same way. You talk abotu Ainslee, even at such a young age. You say that Mima is rocking her, that she's in heaven with Jesus. You tell us you want to see her again. Trust me, we will all have a mighty reunion one day and I'll be able to finally care for all my children.
Over Christmas break you showed me that you were ready to potty train. I picked out your very own racecar potty that I put in the bathroom. I kept you naked for a couple days, some days with underwear on and took you frequently to potty. You caught on quickly. You would go pee on the potty along with #2. I was so impressed with that. Not so impressed with cleaning the #2's but I'll take it. :) I now keep you in pull ups if you are at school or if we're going somewhere in case of an accident. But, when you're at home, you stay in your big boy underwear. Your Daddy and I are so proud of you for being so easy with it.
Ringing in the New year was anything but exciting. I felt so sad that Ainslee wasn't here. But then I felt grateful that I had you to cling to, to watch, to care for, and to love. Not to mention, we're getting ready for a special little someone in 2012. We'll be welcoming another sweet sister of yours-Hadlee Hope. She will add to our family. She will help our family. She will grow old with us. I'm trying my hardest to give you a sibling because you deserve it. I think when we lost Ainslee, a big part of me felt so guilty that she couldn't be around to play with you and grow up with you. I really felt like you were missing out. It makes me feel hopeful to know that Hadlee is coming and we'll get another chance at giving you a little partner.
Adrian-I love you so very much. You are my first born and that is irreplaceable. Every child a mother has, has their very own special characteristics. You are my little munchie-my munchola. Every night when I pray, you are always first on my list. I pray for your protection, your safety. I pray that you will grow into a Godly man and that one day, you will find a Godly woman to share a lifetime of happiness, with lots of children. I pray that Ainslee watches over you closely and protects you. I pray that I will get to grow old with you.
One of my favorite things is that you call your bottom a bollo and I just love it. It sounds so funny. You light up our lives sweet boy and I am beyond grateful for you. You are the light in my life. I hope out of this, you know just how very much you are loved and needed. Never for a second in this life forget how much I love you. The love of a mother is undescribable. Never forget how much you were wanted and just how incredible you are. At the age of 19 months old, you helped your mother through the hardest time I've ever had. You are a God sent my sweet boy...and from the moment I held you, I loved you. And I always will.
Always,
Mommy
This is such a sweet post. I am praying for you and your family!!!
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