New Years Emotions

The emotions surrounding New Years by far exceeded the emotions surrounding Christmas. I think I cried a couple times Christmas Eve, a couple times Christmas day.....but nothing would prepare me for the grief on New Years eve and day.

Last year on New years's eve, Travis and I dropped off Adrian and Ainslee at my mother in law's for the night so we could enjoy a night out. It was Ainslee's first night away from us. We went to a house party, part of our extended family, and we had a great time. Ainslee had a wonderful first night away, it was her only night away. We spent a wonderful New year's day together in anticipation of the 2011 blessings to come. I had no idea a month later I'd be saying goodbye to our daugther.

Fast forward to New year's eve this year, the same family party was to take place. I had felt the emotions building as New year's eve approached, and I told Travis I didn't think I'd be able to participate in any festivities. I definitely knew I couldn't do any midnight toasts, or celebrate to a new year. You'd think I'd love to see a new year. I think for me, the changing into a new year is so bittersweet to me.

I would find myself reflecting on our pain in 2011, where we've been, how far we've come. I've thought about the last time I held Ainslee in the ER room and how she felt in my arms. I thought about the pain surrounding losing her and the many moments that try to cause me to stop breathing. I pondered how in the world we are still standing almost 11 months later. 2011 has been such sadness for me, for our family. A big piece of us is gone.

The biggest anxiety I feel surrounds knowing that 2012 will not consist of any memories of Ainslee. 2011 will be the last year she was ever a part of. And that thought takes my breath away. I now hate being in a new year in which I'll never know my daughter.

I decided to go to the party with Travis last night. I knew we'd be surrounded by people we love and who love us. But I knew I may not make it, and I told my feelings and thoughts to Travis. If it was up to me, we probably wouldn't have gone. But I wanted Travis to enjoy himself and not be brought down by my sadness. Throughout the night, I cried on and off. I cried when we arrived and I hugged a dear friend. I cried when a girl asked if this was my first baby and I had to go into the details of our children. I cried as I saw the clock getting later and later and finally got Travis out of there, just as I was beginning to really have a breakdown. I cried the whole way home, ready to just get back to our home and watch my little boy on our monitor. And as the clock struck midnight, I laid in the arms of my husband in a silent home sobbing. No midnight kiss or midnight Happy New Year celebration. Instead a sad reflection of our awful year and the pain that goes with it.

I think the biggest shock of all, is that we are quickly approaching the 1 year of her being gone. I literally get dizzy and sick feeling thinking that we've almost been without her a year. An entire year. I just can't wrap my head around that. That cool numbing feeling comes over me all over again, the heaviness I've talked about slips back into my life, and once again, I feel that grief is going to overtake me.

My New Years emotions were something that I wasn't anticipating. But as the week approached, I started to feel it creeping in. I know that 2012 has many things to offer, and we'll be welcoming Hadlee into our family. But the fear of not knowing what could possibly happen to our family is something that can almost be paralyzing. If someone would have told me on New years day 2011, that we would have the year we had, I would have never believed them. It leaves me fearful, once again. I'm hoping that this grief will ease and joy will return again. I will admit, there have been days that are happy days again. Days where I start to feel more like myself, although I know it'll never be the same as it was the day before she passed away. I miss her so much and I so wish she was here for me to care for. I hope she knows how incredibly much I love her and miss her and need her.

I'm hoping this year will provide us with the healing we need, the joy we deserve, and the HOPE we've been praying for.

Always,
Channan