Wednesday, January 25, 2012

January 22-25th, 2011

So I've started going through the motions and reliving every single moment of our lasts with Ainslee. It can be absolutely gut wrenching but I'm sure it's what they call "normal."

January 22nd, 2011: Travis, Adrian, Ainslee and I made another family trip to my hometown, Lawton, Ok! It has always been so important to me to have my children meet their great grandfather, my Pappy. He has been so instrumental in my life. He and my Mima helped to not only raise me, but they instilled morals, values, and faith within me. I am so greatful for them and miss my Mima still every day. I took Ainslee on December 19, 2010 to meet Pappy for the first time when he was in the hospital. I thought this was it for him and was determined to get her to him to meet him. He didn't remember that visit, and still doesn't. He was really sick but luckily recovered. Since he didn't remember, I knew I had to have her go see him again and get the traditional picture of the first time he can hold her. We spent January 22nd and the 23rd with my family, making memories, and I so loved seeing my Pappy hold his great grand-daughter.

This is the first time I took Ainslee to Lawton to meet Pappy. He didn't remember, he was very very sick. This was on December 19, 2010.

January 22nd, 2011: The first time Pappy got to hold Ainslee. I love these memories.

This is my entire family: Mom, sister Holly holding Ainslee, brother Nick, myself, my Pappy holding my niece, Travis in the back holding Adrian, and my sister Sarah and her boyfriend.

Ainslee loved Pappy. She thought he was funny and would laugh and smile at him. Pappy had his high pitched baby talk in full effect, it was so sweet.

January 25th, 2011: Ainslee came down with a 101 fever and a stomach bug. This stomach bug went through every one of us, vomitting/diarrhea, fevers, aches. It wasn't any fun. She got this bug on a Tuesday and recovered just fine from it, as we all did. Exactly 2 weeks later...everything would change.

I now hate illnesses, they freak me out. They used to not. In the autopsy report, they told me they did see reminents of her tummy bug, a virus, and they could see that she had a fever 2 weeks prior. It amazes me what they can see and tell, but it also makes me ill to have to read all of that. It's haunting.

We're counting down, we're trying to stay above water.

Last night at a Stars hockey game, just before the game started, I spotted this sweet old man and felt drawn to him. My friend, Dena and I, went over by where he was to eat our monstrous pretzel. He worked there, and was 69 years old. I could tell he was scarred, literally. His body had been through trauma of some sort and I felt such a tug towards him. I wanted him to know he was special, even at his older age. We got to talking, small talk, he made me laugh and we shared stories. The dreaded question came up...How many kids do you have? I always look at it as an opportunity to share Ainslee, but it always makes my heart feel like it's about to pound through my chest. I would much rather share Ainslee than not. He was so sad to hear her story. He shared his story with me. He was in a car accident at the age of 9, and by the grace of God was somehow pulled from the car. Although the scars are ever present. It burned 1/3 of his body, mostly all over his face, hands and arms. In the accident, the driver was drunk, a family friend. It killed his twin sisters, 1 year old. And it killed his Mother. I cried.

I wanted this man to know how much I loved him. I know he has struggled with a hateful society...judging, calling him a cripple and handicap, and not giving him a chance. He shared the word of God with me. And what he told me was just what I needed to hear and remind myself of.

"God did not cause this. God did not give you this. Yes, He allowed it. But it does not mean He doesn't love you or her. We just can't possibly understand His plan, the why's, and the way things do or don't happen. Keep the faith, look to Him and one day we will get answers when we are in His presence."

I wept and hugged him. I got back to my seat with Dena, and wept some more in her arms. She is a tremendous friend. She is one of the two girls that took me to the hospital when we got the call. She sees me at my lowest of lows all the time. She's protective of me, she would drop anything for me, and I could call her at 3 in the morning if I needed to. God puts people in our lives right where we need them.

I wanted to just share some of what I've been going through leading up to Ainslee's 1 year. I ordered something special to send out to family and friends in memory of our precious daughter. It was the only thing I felt was "right" at the time and I'm hoping it'll make me feel good to simply remember her, her short but ever so productive life, and to hold her memory alive now and always.



  1. Although you feel the man you met ministered to you, I believe your compassion was a ministry, also. I read your blog regularly and am awed by your grace and spirit. We never understand, never forget, never cease to mourn during our time on earth. Thank God for his presence in friends, family and even strangers who share your pain.

  2. We met sweet Jimmy Milam for a reason. Love you!!

  3. It's amazing how God brings the right people into our life at the right moment. And they have just the right words that we need to hear. Praying for you and this sweet man that you were talking to. I know that he faces so many difficult times in life as people can be cruel.

  4. What kind words from the gentleman at the hockey game! I've always said that we, as grieving mothers, have a marker that people who have also lost children, recognize.

    Prayers to you as Ainslee's angel date approaches.

  5. We were meant to meet Sweet Jimmy Milam. Love you!!

  6. The building up part is to hard all of those feelings and emotions... reliving the hardest parts. What an amazing man to meet and one so full of wisdom! Praying for you during this extra hard time and rememebring Anslee always!

  7. channan, I am praying for you right now... I know how hard that first year anniversary date is. I am praying for the Lord to give you new strength each day and that he will comfort your heart is your deep sorrow. Missing your beautiful Ainslee with you!

  8. What a beautiful story to treasure in your heart forever. It made me cry.