Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Sorting through the Jumbled Mess

Oh what a mess. I don't even know where to begin to get this pain, insanity, and confusion out. I guess I'll just start from the beginning and hopefully by the end of this I will have some clarity. Either that or remain a jumbled mess.

So yesterday when I was having my sonogram of my sweet baby girl, the sonographer mentioned a couple things that were concerning to me. She just mentioned that she couldn't depict baby's toes yet, and that this one part in the brain she was looking at was there, but she wants to see it more prevalent at my 20 week, along with the outflow tracts of the heart. She saw those, but wants to see them "better" at 20 weeks. Why she thought it was a good idea to tell this mother who has already lost has got me puzzled. I left the sonogram feeling over joyed that God was blessing us with another baby girl...terrified that she would be taken from me also. I also have a subchorionic bleed, a tiny one, but I do have one to say the least. And I'm terrified for that also. I know every mother wants to keep their babies, but Lord, please...I pray, let me keep this daughter of mine.

I wrestled with anxious thoughts last night, fighting the fear. I'm so tired of living in fear. I hate that I worry. I hate that I have this anxiety. And I hate living without Ainslee. The fear is exhausting and I so wish that I could hand it over to God. I think that's easier said than done. If I could literally hand it over, I would. Anyone who suffers from anxiety knows as a human it's not as easy. Those are human emotions that are difficult to escape from.

This morning came and as I still had doubts and fear, I decided to call my OB. I felt his "job" would be to ease the apprehensions, help me get through this phase also. He did nothing short of blaming me for my guilt and my fears, he told me I basically brought it on myself. He said he thought they were doing me a favor by bringing me in earlier to do a gender check but in the grand scheme of it, only hindered the problem. I guess I've now become his problem. He did tell me he thinks she is just fine, that she will be perfect.

He then proceeds to tell me that I need to be having more good days than bad days. I don't even know how to respond to that except to ask,  "have you lost a child?" When you've lost a child, then please talk to me about my grief and about how I should or should not feel. But as if that wasn't enough, he then highly suggests I be medicated for this new condition of grief I have. I need to suppress it and ignore it. I need to get on anti-depressents to have "better" days. It's not that I disagree with anti-depressents, but it's not my choice at the moment for how to filter through my grief feelings. And I especially will not be taking anything during my pregnancy. Those are my personal choices. There are no judgements for those that do. I feel that's what's best for me and my baby right now.

After this, I called the OB line again to ask another question, a question he had brought up during our previous conversation that hadn't been discussed before. But, I am the type of person where information has to register in my head before I really discuss it. It had registered what he had said, so I called to question it again. His nurse called back, also his wife, and explained to me that the sonographer hadn't seen Baby "Hope's" toes but would check that at 20 weeks, it could be a gestational thing. She then told me that I should seriously think about anti-depressents. I can't believe that now days you can't ask simple questions without being viewed as a head case and someone who needs to be medicated. I can't believe I can't cry over my Ainslee without being judged. I can't believe that when someone tells me that they need to check back on certain things at my 20 week mark and I have questions about that and the well being of my "hope" I'm then ridiculed for being a mother.

So, I'm seriously considering finding a new OB. I'm one that really likes consistency and he's delivered my other two babies. I hate change. But, I can't have someone thinking I'm crazy because I'm still grieving my daughter. And if after 5 years, I'm still grieving her, don't judge me. And if after 40 years, I'm still missing my sweet beautiful Ainslee, don't you judge me. ESPECIALLY if you don't know this pain. I would never want anyone to know this pain, but I would at least hope for others who don't know it to be sensitive, especially in the "professional" field.

So tonight our church had a mass for All Souls Day. They happened to have it at the cemetery...the cemetery where Ainslee is buried. Travis and I visited Ainslee first and then went to the service held at the mausoleum. I just sobbed during the first part of it. Grieving for Ainslee, scared for this baby girl, fearful of losing again.

At the end of all this, all the fear and anxiety, I'd like to think that I'm making some head way and gaining some clarity. I'd like to think that I'm going to get through this and that this baby girl will be healthy. And if she's not, we will love her and be so very thankful for another beautiful baby girl. Now that I'm at the end of this post and have scribbled all my thoughts down from the last 24 hours, I still feel like a complete jumbled mess. And while this mess is hard to sort through, I will do it. And I will do it on my own. I will do it with the help from my sweet Adrian and my supportive Travis. I will do it for my sweet Ainslee girl. And I will do it for this wonderful life growing inside me. So, while I may seem like a mess, and my life may seem upside down more times than not.....trust me, I will do this.

20 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear that your doctor isn't comforting you the way he should. I adore my OB. Let me know if you want his name and number. Praying for Baby Hope and you tonight!!!

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  2. Channan,

    I just want to say that I personally am proud of the way that you have been handling yourself and your grief. This is an impossibly difficult situation, and you have been honest with a lot of people about the good times and the bad rather than avoiding and pretending that everything is always fine. Don't let anyone, including "professionals," tell you how to grieve. As a licensed mental health "professional," I want to tell you that I think you are doing just right. You are the one who lost a precious life, and no one else can know what that is really like for you. Ainslee was unique, as was your relationship (as are all relationships), so even someone who has lost a baby does not have the right to tell you you are wrong for grieving. I am proud of you for standing up for what you want for yourself, your family, and your baby. I understand the desire for consistency, but my best advice would be either to confront your current doctor about his insensitivity (which is not likely to help since doctors tend to think they know everything), or find a new OB who can understand why you might have concerns, especially related to legitimate issues that the sonographer pointed out to you in the first place. Remember that fighting for your family is always the most important thing, and I feel like you are doing just that. I pray that God continues to give you measures of his peace and that He guides you to people who will give you what you need unselfishly. Thank you for constantly being so vulnerable on this blog; you have shown courage in the face of hardship throughout these hard times. I love you, and I am sorry that some people have to make hard times harder and make what should be joyous times hard. I continue to pray for you and your family.

    Derek T.

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  3. Oh sweety, what a horrible reaction from your OB. First of all, any mother will have many questions if something "doesn't seem right" I know I had a million questions and my OB was ready to answer them all, even if I seemed over paranoid or sounded dumb. He even gave me his personal cell number in case I ever had a question or felt concerned about anything. No one should ever tell you, you need to go on meds, hello your pregnant, your gonna be hormonal! idiots. Now as your worries, my husband works in high risk prenatal clinic. The only one in San Diego, so with that said in a way it was GOOD you were checked early or else they could have missed your bleed. I too had a subchorionic bleed and it was small as well, I'd suggest relax, relax, relax. NO heavy lifting, even lil' man if you can hold off. Chances are it'll just go away, but also ask your OB about progesterone. I was put on it when they found out I had a bleed to reduce miscarriage. Now regarding the toes, don't worry hun. The baby is still so small some things can't be seen. First of all, I can't believe they would ever tell you they couldn't see the toes. What?! No doctor, or even sonographer should tell you that, that early. I know my husband nor would the docs tell any patience that. I asked my hubby and he said unless they said, foot, then they are kinda pulling strings by saying toes. It sounds like your sonographer missed the toes, instead of the baby NOT having toes. I hope this eases your heart. People and their cold hearts these days.

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  4. I am so sorry that you are having to go through that with your Ob. I think ANY pregnant woman having heard that during an ultrasound would be scared! I had missed miscarriage a month prior to being blessed with my son. I was a bundle of nerves to say the least the entire time. Ultrasounds were particularly hard for me. My OB was understanding and patient with me tho. Have you thought about renting a fetal heartbeat Doppler? It was a lifesaver for me!

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  5. Channon -

    I hate that you left your appointment with more questions than answers. They should've never put you off like that. If anything, they should've done a more extensive u/s to ease your fears - especially knowing what you've already been through.

    I too have had experience with people telling me I needed to stop crying over losing my son and deal with it better. My boss at work told me that I basically needed to get over it because I was coming off as a bitch and everyone thought I was pissed off all the time. Um, hello?! I buried my child - I have every single right to be pissed off.

    Just please know that you have to do what is right for YOU. Nobody else. I'll be praying for you and your sweet "Hope" I know that she'll be perfect.

    Ashley

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  6. Please please do find a new OB. You have every right to feel how you do and he and his staff were super insensitive. You and your family deserve better than that! Many prayers lifted up for you all.

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  7. To me that dr was rude to u.
    I read in another post u were from DFW- I saw a dr in the Harris southwest in fort worth, near the hulen mall. She and her whole office is amazing!!! Dr name is dr deem and the number to the office is 817 346 5336' she also has an office in granbury.
    You are such a strong lady and i hope that u can find a dr that helpful Amd loving to u.

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  9. I don't know you, but live in the DFW area. I have an awesome OB in Arlington. Dr Kevin Gordon with the Omega/OBGYN group. Their sonogram machine is a 3D/4D and they show in this form every time. I even have pictures of my little man when he looked like a little lizard. =0)I have never lost an angel, but my son was conceived with IVF. After 3 long years, we were finally blessed with a pregnancy. I developed a large subchorionic bleed at 7 weeks (put on bed rest for a week and pelvic rest until 20 weeks) and spotted until 18 weeks (delivered a healthy 8lb 2oz baby boy). Because I was an IVF mom and let's face it an emotional wreck. My doctor was so sweet and would do a sonogram any time I felt I needed it for MY peace of mind. He answered all my questions and was very understanding considering my history. I highly recommend you finding a different doctor. My brother passed away when he was 8 years old this was 30 years ago. My parents still grieve for their little boy. Don't let ANYONE tell you how you should feel about your sweet girl. Praying for your peace and little "Hope".

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  10. I would change Docs!!! As far as baby "Hope" goes, I'm sure it is just a bit early. It the profile pic you posted, those cute lil feet look like toes on them to me! When I had my Son 3 yrs ago, I found out at 18 weeks, and they too made me come in for a 20 week apt to check into it more b.c they just couldnt tell on some things. Please keep us posted and you greif the way you need to, and dont let their negative impact hurt you. Like you said, " have you lost a child?" Until then ( i hope that dont happen) they havent walked in your shoes and should be more considerate of your feelings.
    Praying for you and baby Hope!

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  11. You don't know me. I found your blog through Ashley Elder. I'm another BLM. But anyway... I would be sooo upset if my doctor told me those things!! UGGg! This probably won't mean anything, but I changed to a midwife from an OBGYN at about 18 weeks and it was NIGHT AND DAY! (Now I know some people aren't into the "midwife thing" and really just like doctors, so it's kind of a different subject, but it was like I all of a sudden had a cheerleader or a friend on my team. So much more personable to me) Your experience kind of reminds me of what happened to me not too long ago... I was at my sister's house and my mom said something extremely rude basically saying that "I don't understand because I don't have any kids".. You can imagine how upset I was for someone to say that "I'm not a mom"... it wasn't the first time she had something something like this either, but this time I had it and I don't know what came over me, but I totally blew up, started yelling at her, crying hysterically, grabbing my things as fast as I could to leave that house and drive home. My sister tried to follow me saying, "she didn't mean it like that, I'm sorry, I know youre hurting..." I cried the longest I had ever cried... the entire car ride home, which was a good hour. Anyway though, After that experience I felt so distant from my family, and then to make things even worse.. my sister texted me telling me she didn't want me doing her sons birthday party because "She didn't think I could handle it, because Joshua's birthday was coming up".. And I felt so judged and betrayed. Anyway, the whole thing was just SO weird to me because even though my sister had always acted "compassionate about my loss" just because ONE TIME (yes, it was the only time ever) that anyone had seen me show any emotion at all over my loss in almost a year, since it happened, then all of a sudden "I'm the crazy one"... the one that can't handle doing simple tasks or things that I was already working my butt off planning and working on (her sons birthday party)... I guess it did something to them to actually "Show that I am sad about my loss".... uh hello of course, especially when you tell me that "I don't have any kids"

    Anyway.... sorry for the long story. All I can say is that I would be so upset. I would think about changing doctors but that's just me.

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  12. Praying for you and this sweet baby. I know that God is in control and He will take care of her. I can't believe how ugly your OB was. When a mother has lost one child and you tell her all these things about her baby on the way, how does he expect you to act. It looks like he needs to find a new profession unless he was just having a bad day like we all do. His job is to comfort you and make you feel better, not make you think your crazy for still grieving. I will be praying for you as you make these new decisions in the next couple of months about finding a new doctor or keeping the one you have. I can go ahead and tell you from experience, the pills don't help. I felt like I got worse instead of better but with God's help, I've made it and have become stronger. Hope all gets better for you. Sending lots of (((HUGS))) to you!!!

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  13. Channan,
    You have always made the best choices as far back as I can remember. No one should "discount" your feelings or fears. This little girl coming is going to be perfect. Just like a rainbow after a storm. She is our healing. She is our promise. Love you honey.

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  14. O my. My heart is hurting for you right now. But my mind is screaming at that doctor!!! You are doing everything exactly right. I have read every single post you have written and I can "SEE" the progress you are making. Please try and stay strong to your self and grieve the way you feel is right. I would recommend seeing a new OB but I also know how it feels to want to see the person you have history with. I am in a similar situation on that topic. My family will pray that you and your family has peace about this........

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  15. Definitely find a new doctor...when I was pregnant with my 3rd child my OB who I had been with for 10 years turned on me also. Any doctor that makes you cry or feel bad should not be your doctor. Switching doctors was the BEST decision I ever made!
    Also, you are not crazy. You have been through something so horrible that no one should have to go through. Hang in there you are doing great! Thanks for sharing your story with us. Ainslee is so proud of her mama!! And baby Hope is growing bigger every day!

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  16. Shedding many tears for you right now. I know it doesn't help you at all, but I want you to know that i feel for you. Any mother would be a bit concerned. I'm sure your daughter will be just fine, but it's SO very normal to have concerns. Take care of yourself!

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  17. Im so sorry you have such an insensitive OBGYN. To cloud your joy with fear and doubt and then suggest medication is WRONG of them. I pray your baby girl is born healthy and happy with 10 toes and 10 fingers perfect in every way.

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  18. I am so sorry. I would agree that maybe you need a new OB. With all you have been through your ob should be much more sensitive... I will keep you and baby Hope in my prayers. I am sure she is just fine..

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  19. New reader..first time posting.

    In my opinion, I would find a new clinic, a new OB/GYN. Rather than telling you to medicate yourself....they should be reassuring you that your sweet baby girl is healthy and developing on track. If you are anything like me...if you stay at this clinic, you will always question whether they are telling you the truth at your next visits. Go with your gut. If your gut tells you to find another OB/GYN, then do it.

    Praying for your sweet baby girl!!!

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  20. I agree with all the other comments here - find a new OB. I can't believe he would instantly jump on you and tell you you need to be medicated. Your feelings are strong and they should be and he should lend his ear for support. He should be guiding and reassuring you of your baby on the way and not criticizing. Follow your heart and lots of prayers for you.

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