Toes Toes Toes!

So, this week has been incredibly busy. I am ready for it to slow down, not sure when that will happen. At any rate, I ended my day with a visit to my OB. His sono machine vs. my sonographer's sono machine are very different. His machine is from like 1902 and you can see basics on it....however, we saw her TOES! What a relief it was to see her sweet little feets swimming so freely.

We followed up my visit with a conversation that actually went well. I was just going to let this appt play itself out and it did just that. We did discuss medication again, and I did tell him he's brought it up a number of times and that if he didn't get the request from me, not to even bother bringing it up anymore. He told me that he forgets if he offers it, and he prefers not to use it, but didn't want me to feel like there wasn't help. He told me that he just genuinely cares about us, and it's hard for him to see us so sad. I explained that while it is hard for outsiders to see us suffer, cry, and grieve, that it doesn't make it their job to fix us. We're not a project and due to the tragedy of losing Ainslee, it's now a life we have to live. And we do it as best as we know how. I explained that I do feel comfortable coming into his office and crying and that I didn't want to feel insane or crazy when I left for letting my emotions out as I see fit. I told him how this pregnancy was wonderful and how I couldn't feel more blessed to have another child. But we are in the middle of a disaster and we're searching for pieces and ways to construct our lives back to "normal." I understand he likes to see the happy pregnant mommy, and I love to be that person. But, our story took a different turn and now along with my happiness in this pregnancy, is my sadness with our loss. He then hugged me and I felt that I left there with a common understanding. I genuinely believe he does care for us, I just think he thought it was his job to fix us.

All that said, I am still going to consult with another OB and after that, make a decision on what I feel is best for our family. If I decide to stay with my current OB, then that will be just fine. I have been praying about it along with praying for what we will name baby "Hope." I do feel God will show me the answers to both and the comfort for each decision we decide on.

On a greater note, I have felt this sweet little girl move around all day long today and what a blessing and wonderful reminder she is to the life we have still to live. When I think about her, I think about her older sister watching over her, guarding her, and protecting her every move. And I just love that her older sister already knows this sweet little girl. To think that Ainslee last was in my tummy and now her little sister is in there is such a wonderful thing. To think that they both were/are in the same place growing in my stomach makes me feel like they are close to each other.

I love this sweet baby "Hope" so incredibly much. She is just wonderful to see, to feel, to hope for. I go back December 7th for my 20 week sono, I'll be 21 weeks at that point and will be so ready to see her and pray that everything looks just great.

Always,
Channan