Oh the Pain

Oh the pain. The pain has hit me once again full force. I knew two days ago it was coming, the grief tornado. I told Travis it was coming, I could feel the storm brewing. I can cry everyday and feel sad, but it's nothing compared to the grief tornado.

I took Adrian to school today and as I was walking out, the emotions came flooding over me. They engulfed me as a hurricane engulfs a shoreline. I could barely make it to my car. The pain of not having Ainslee was unbearable. How are we still doing this 8 months later? I'm dreading her first birthday. We have 11 days to go. The 29th will be here before we know it. The day we've dreaded since she passed. I can't even imagine having a one year old. I can't imagine looking down at my little brown eyed girl, hearing her say Ma-Ma, and smile her gummy grin. Oh the pain.

Lately on facebook I've seen that there are other little girls turning one. I've seen their enormous bows. I've seen their adorable tutus. I've seen their One year old pictures. I've seen the life behind those pictures, the life in their smiles, the happiness that comes from a one year old. It's a slap in the face of all we're missing out on. Oh the pain.

We are planning a birthday party for Ainslee starting at the cemetery, releasing 29 very colorful balloons for her heavenly party, singing her happy birthday, and following it with cake and ice cream at our house. It only feels natural to plan a party for her. On the other hand it feels incredibly UNNATURAL to plan a party without her here. To pick out a cake just perfect for her. To choose every balloon so carefully to make her feel special. To choose her party hat, her plates and napkins, to choose every little detail without this special little girl here to enjoy it. Oh this pain is awful.

I think today has been one of the hardest days in awhile. As I said, I can cry every day and I can be sad everyday. But there is something different about today. And maybe it's my anticipation of her birthday. But this pain is almost unbearable. Today has been one of those days where I felt I couldn't do it anymore, where I was ready to throw in the towel. Adrian wasn't here for me to cling to him and hold him tight which then makes it worse. Those are the times when I need to cling to him. I love my husband, I love my family...but my little boy is my reason for living. He is just such a kind hearted little boy. He comforts me, he kisses me to make me feel better, he hugs me, he holds me. He needs his mother, and I need him. When I concentrate on him, he helps the pain.

Today my heart is just heavy. I miss Ainslee beyond belief. I miss her face. I miss her brown eyes. I miss her gummy grin. I miss her talks, our talks we would have. I miss giving her a bath. I miss falling asleep with her. I miss nursing her. I miss rocking her. I miss waiting for her to wake up to eat. I miss my little girl.

Oh the pain.

Always,
Channan