Hadlee's Birth Day

So the day we had Hadlee was wonderful yet so nerve wracking. We left our house that morning at 6:10 to get to the hospital. My mother in law had come to stay with Adrian while he continued to sleep. I was anxious how he was going to take this whole thing. We were driving to the hospital and the song "Over You" by Miranda Lambert came on the radio. The part where it says "but you went away, how dare you, i miss you, they say I'll be okay, but I'll never get over you," really gets to me. It reminds me of Ainslee. I was having such strong emotions of missing her in that moment yet trying to fight it and not give in to the grief. I wanted that day to be about Hadlee and the joy she was going to bring us. I didn't want to muddy the water with this grief that has consumed most of our life the last year. As we pulled into the hospital parking lot, it was all surreal. We were walking into this hospital for the 3rd time ready to have our 3rd baby. We checked in and everything moved pretty quickly. There wasn't any down time. I felt myself getting so nervous and anxious. I didn't know what in the world we were doing there. It all just seemed like a strange dream. Losing Ainslee, fighting grief, having Hadlee. What were we doing and was this right? It was so confusing. The nursing staff was all aware of our loss and embracing it. Then it was time for me to walk to the OR. I hate the walk to the OR and having to leave Travis. Travis is my comfort and I wish he could be by my side when they did my spinal and prep me for delivery. As I waited on the table and had to get my spinal, I remember thinking Ainslee is here. She gets a front row seat at the birth of her baby sister. As the needle went in my back I kept breathing thinking, this is for Hadlee. The anestesiologist hit a nerve and my right leg went shooting out, not pleasant. As the spinal was complete, they laid me back and began to get everything ready. They got the blue screen up, had my arms out to the side on the OR table, and escorted my sweet husband in. He's always so sweet when he comes in asking if I'm okay. They started cutting on me and the pulling, tugging and pressure began. I've had this done twice before only this time was a little different. I started to feel everything. I thought I was going to vomit from the pain. The spinal didn't work as well as it should have and caused windows of feeling among my body. As they made their way down to Hadlee, they started saying they see lots of hair, and had to grab the vacuum to position her better to pull her out. Travis stands up the entire time watching his baby girl being born. I lay there trying to breath from the pain. And as she comes out, I hear my doctor say, "She's here. She's big. She's healthy." When I heard her cry, I could breath. Travis immediately was taking pictures and video taping. They cut her cord and brought her to me and placed her on my chest. I was staring at this beautiful black haired baby girl who we had desperately prayed so hard for. She was here. Our hope. She lifted her head off my chest and took a look around. She was so curious about what she was doing here. I couldn't believe she was here. I couldn't believe we had just had our 3rd baby. I never imagined having 3 babies at my age. But, then again, we didn't plan losing Ainslee and when we lost her, it changed everything. In recovery, I nursed Hadlee. 18 minutes on both sides. She did great. The pain was still pretty bad since my spinal hadn't worked the way it should. We were in recovery for about an hour and a half and then it was time to go to our room. Adrian was waiting on us and I couldn't wait to see him and let him see Hadlee. He was walking next to my hospital bed the entire way, holding onto the side rail. It was so cute. He had the biggest smile on his face. He was proud. That was a memorable day. I had a cake for Hadlee and we sang her happy birthday. We had our priest come to the hospital to bless her and say prayers over our family. And we celebrated a day in our live that will be remembered for something positive, something good. We are starting to build new good memories. Due to all the excitement of having Hadlee, our families were running around trying to gather all their belongings as I came out of recovery. One of my camera cases got left behind and it happened to have all my memory discs with every picture I own along with every video. I have all the pictures for the most part saved, but dont' have any of the videos. That means all of my Ainslee videos are gone. I don't have one. Adrian's first Christmas, the funny things he would say growing up. Our only Christmas as a family with Ainslee. It's just awful. I have felt so incredibly sad about this. I'm not sure I can get over the grief associated with losing such a special thing to me. While we were in the hospital I was constantly feeling like my bottom was numb. I didn't sleep any in the hospital and thought that my numb bottom was due to the awful hospital bed. When I got home I noticed I was having a hard time walking and it was impossible to bear any weight. One night prior to getting in the shower, I noticed that my entire lower back surrounding my spine was swollen. I thought the swollen area was pushing on my sciatic causing the numb feeling and additional pain. It's been a difficult recovery and a hard c-section. My first two were not bad like this. But, I think I am starting to slowly get back on my feet. I've been telling Hadlee about her sister Ainslee and every time I do I get so emotional. My emotions are at an all time high. I feel sad a lot about various things but they are getting better. I can't wait until I feel 100% and am able to lift Adrian and be more involved with his care. I miss him and he's right next to me. It's an odd feeling. Hadlee is a great baby. She is so sweet. She is a great nurser which I am thankful for and I hope it stays that way. Sleep is slowly starting to come better. I have her on the angel care and have a snuza. she sleeps in a bassinet right next to me and so I can just reach through the slats on the bed and hold her hand or touch her in some way. It is comforting to me. I'm thankful every day for another day with her and keep begging for us to grow old together. We are so glad to have her here and a part of our family. Her presence is much needed. And it's so sweet to see Adrian with her. We are happy and blessed.