Saturday, August 20, 2011

Loneliness and Relationships

Let me tell you.....the loneliness has set in. I often feel very alone in my grief. I think it's easy to feel that way because life for everyone else just keeps going. And essentially it does for us as well, even though it feels as if it stopped the day she died. Pregnancies are all around, babies being born (girls seem to be the "in" thing right now), passing 3 months in age, 6 months....and soon a year. And our little girl had to stop at 3 months. Just doesn't seem right.

There can be days where the phone doesn't ring, no emails to be seen, no cards in the mail. On those days, it can feel as if you're alone in your grief. It can feel as if the world is going on and you're just stuck in this awful place with nowhere to go or no way to get out. You're trapped. That's when the loneliness can really set in. The depression can feel heavier.

The loneliness has led me to feeling like my relationships have changed drastically. I was told when Ainslee died that this would happen and I thought surely not, not to us. We've already had the unthinkable happen, surely our relationships in life wouldn't change also. Boy was I wrong. Through the loneliness, you want to have those same relationships you've always had, you want those to continue. You don't want to lose anymore than you already have. And those people want the "normal" you back. They want to carry on as if nothing has happened. They want to be there, but say they don't know how to be. Trust me, I don't have the answers to that either. It's sad that when we've lost so much in life, that relationships can't stay the same.

I think having gone through what we have, and currently having relationships tested, I would give one piece of advice for those who know someone going through an awful time. Be a friend. Whether your relationship to the person that has lost is their mother, their father, sister/brother, cousin, co-worker, friend, etc....just be there. Don't say that you're there for them, show them. Call them. Tell them you care. Schedule dinner with them, schedule time to see them on a regular basis. Mention their child's name. Trust me, bereaved parents want nothing more than for the entire world to remember their child. Saying the child's name doesn't upset them more, it shows that you remember. And that you're not afraid to show them you remember.

As a bereaved mother, I live this nightmare daily. I know she's gone. Do people think that some days I don't have the pain and don't realize she's gone? I live this day in and day out. So going through the pain can be lonely. But, if you have those special relationships to remind you that each person in your life remembers, cares, and will talk about your child....the loneliness may not seem as bad.



  1. I am sorry you are feeling so alone. I am thinking about you and praying for you. Ainslee will never be forgotten. You are making sure of that! God bless

  2. Very well written, could have wrote it myself. I never thought I could be alone so much with so many people around. This past year has definitely showed me who my true friends are and to my surprise who they really were. Grieving a child I think it the most lonely thing a mother can go through because really, no one understand except those of us that have experienced it.

  3. Channon, my heart goes out to you in all that you are going through right now. I can so relate to what you are saying, though in a different way. While my pain is not one from having loved and lost, it is one from not having the chance to love. My husband and I are going through infertility and what you have written really speaks to my heart. I am praying that you are comforted today. I see that you cling to your faith. I pray that you are reminded that the Lord knows what pain you are experiencing. I pray that you are reminded that He went through such pain Himself (Heb 4:15, Isaiah 53:5). Praying for you and your family as you grieve Ainslee.

  4. Hi Channan, I heard about you and your sweet Ainslee through a friend of a friend. We too lost our daughter, Tess Jenevieve. We lost her in 98. We still miss her, ache for her, think of what she would be doing now and wish she were here. But I will say that it does get better. I promise it does. I fully understand your feeling of loneliness. I think sometimes friends/loved ones stay away for many reasons. Business of life, fear, or just plain being uncomfortable. They don't mean to hurt you, they love you, they just can't fully understand until they have walked in your shoes. You are not alone Channan. I will keep you in my prayers for God to cover you and carry you through this because you can't do it on your own. Blessings, Natasha

  5. You wrote this so perfectly, time stands still and yet it moves so quickly at the same time. You and your family are always in my thoughts.