Sunday, November 4, 2012

Birthday Blessings

Ainslee's birthday has come and gone. Again. She turned 2! I can't even believe it still. We have had such a busy last week and a half...well actually all of October is always busy for us. So, blogging comes last unfortunately even if I wish I could do it more often. We participated in our annual Holton's Drive for SIDS event again this year which was on October 27th, my due date with Ainslee. Last year was my first event to attend and I had recently found out I was pregnant with Hadlee. I was only about 8 weeks along and wasn't telling a soul. I was scared last year of where we'd be this year. But as this year approached, I began to see how beautiful life is. I don't always understand it, but it's beautiful nonetheless....if you allow yourself to see the beauty. I was so incredibly grateful to have added another baby girl. And it was great to show up to the event with our Hadlee in tow. No one knew last year I was pregnant, so to show up this year with a 6 month old was fabulous! We made great memories and raised money to help find answers to the mystery of SIDS. That Sunday, October 28th, we had Ainslee's birthday party at the cemetery. We invited some friends and family and our Deacon at church. It was a beautiful day, sunny with a cool breeze, just perfect. We started with words from the Bible and blessing of her headstone. We then sang Happy Birthday, released balloons with our birthday wishes on them, and then had cupcakes. I got Rainbow Roses for Hadlee to give to her big sister and I think it's a tradition I'll start every year. It was truly a wonderful way to remember the day we had Ainslee. On Ainslee's birthday, October 29th, we didn't want to plan anything because we didn't know how we'd feel. We woke up, and I immediately cried. I longed for my 2 year old. I missed the last year and 9 months of watching her grow, hearing her sweet voice, feeling her face and hands on my face. I just missed her and grief took over again. Luckily, I have 2 pretty sweet living kiddos to really help me out. They can help restore such happiness in this broken Momma. I am really thankful for that. We ended up hanging out at home and then visiting her at the cemetery as a family. Later, Travis' parents picked up some food and came over. We just hung out as a family and it was low key, but just what we needed. The entire day, I thought about the day I had Ainslee. How beautiful she was with jet black hair, sparkly brown eyes, and beautiful olive toned skin. She was like a sack of potatoes, so healthy, so consuming, so perfect. I remember feeling a different feeling becoming the mother to a little baby girl. I remember holding her in recovery and just staring at her thinking, she is mine. The day of her birth was a happy one. For Ainslee's birthday, I did 2 things. I heard a story of a 4th grade class that is wanting to take a class trip to Austin to the capitol. Most of these children don't financially have the ability to support a trip like this. So, I decided to "adopt" a child to pay for their trip. I got a very sweet thank you card in the mail, mentioning Ainslee and how happy the little girl was that we got another daughter. Her teacher, one of my roommates in college, must have told her about our story and the compassion that this little girl had was beyond sweet. The 2nd thing I did was to purchase a birthday gift for a girl who was turning 15 that is in a foster home type setting but doesn't receive much for her birthday. Giving to two other girls during Ainslee's birthday was fulfilling. We are now in the time period of when we had Ainslee alive. I relive those events. We had her at Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, her baptism, and followed by her death. The countdown to February begins. My hope is in Heaven and the reality that we will be together sweet day. Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet Ainslee girl. Your brother talks about you every day. He says how much he misses you and Jesus. :) He thinks Jesus is one of our babies too. :) Oh your brother cracks me up. I love you Ainslee!

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