Loneliness and Relationships

Let me tell you.....the loneliness has set in. I often feel very alone in my grief. I think it's easy to feel that way because life for everyone else just keeps going. And essentially it does for us as well, even though it feels as if it stopped the day she died. Pregnancies are all around, babies being born (girls seem to be the "in" thing right now), passing 3 months in age, 6 months....and soon a year. And our little girl had to stop at 3 months. Just doesn't seem right.

There can be days where the phone doesn't ring, no emails to be seen, no cards in the mail. On those days, it can feel as if you're alone in your grief. It can feel as if the world is going on and you're just stuck in this awful place with nowhere to go or no way to get out. You're trapped. That's when the loneliness can really set in. The depression can feel heavier.

The loneliness has led me to feeling like my relationships have changed drastically. I was told when Ainslee died that this would happen and I thought surely not, not to us. We've already had the unthinkable happen, surely our relationships in life wouldn't change also. Boy was I wrong. Through the loneliness, you want to have those same relationships you've always had, you want those to continue. You don't want to lose anymore than you already have. And those people want the "normal" you back. They want to carry on as if nothing has happened. They want to be there, but say they don't know how to be. Trust me, I don't have the answers to that either. It's sad that when we've lost so much in life, that relationships can't stay the same.

I think having gone through what we have, and currently having relationships tested, I would give one piece of advice for those who know someone going through an awful time. Be a friend. Whether your relationship to the person that has lost is their mother, their father, sister/brother, cousin, co-worker, friend, etc....just be there. Don't say that you're there for them, show them. Call them. Tell them you care. Schedule dinner with them, schedule time to see them on a regular basis. Mention their child's name. Trust me, bereaved parents want nothing more than for the entire world to remember their child. Saying the child's name doesn't upset them more, it shows that you remember. And that you're not afraid to show them you remember.

As a bereaved mother, I live this nightmare daily. I know she's gone. Do people think that some days I don't have the pain and don't realize she's gone? I live this day in and day out. So going through the pain can be lonely. But, if you have those special relationships to remind you that each person in your life remembers, cares, and will talk about your child....the loneliness may not seem as bad.


Always,
Channan