With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
~Lifehouse
Feeling so broken. Feeling like I'm coming to an "end" of what I can possible handle. Feeling like I'm falling apart. There are times when I tell myself to breath. To get to the next moment, the next minute, the next second. It's awful to have a broken heart, completely shattered..yet, it still beats. How is that possible? Through all this heavy pain, this extraordinary burden, this confining grief, there has to be some healing through each consuming moment. Do you know what it's like to be completely broken, damaged, falling apart as you know it, and still have to breath air, have your heart beat....live? I'm not sure I can put into words how much I DO NOT want to do this.
The fear that creeps in through all of this is oh so scary. For those of you who don't know me and those that do, I am an anxious person. I've lived a life of worry. I've lived to try and "control" what I can. I've been so scared about the things I can't control. And as if I needed added fear.
When the heaviness began, the fear jumped to new heights. Heights that I thought weren't possible to reach. I tried to control my fear and worry as much as possible before. But now, it's consuming. There's no stopping it. It's constant. Women live in fear for various reasons. And now, this woman, is fearful of everything. I'm fearful of something happening to Adrian, him starting preschool, any cold he may get, any fever he may get, what if he stops breathing, what if his sleep patterns have been altered, what if he's not eating properly, what if this affects his development and him as a little person, what if the grief gets between my marriage, what if Travis leaves me, what if the grief becomes too much, what if Adrian gets a fatal illness, what if it's sudden, what if I can't have more babies, what if I never have another daughter, what if Ainslee was scared, what if she was alone, what if she felt sad I wasn't with her.....I could go on and on. You see the fear....IS CONSUMING.
I'm broken.......and fearful.
Always,
Channan
Dear sweet Channan, I have never walked in your shoes and I can only imagine the pain that continues to haunt you. I know we share the same beliefs that your little girl now sits with Jesus. She is safe, happy and loved. Try to take some comfort in that and enjoy Adrian to the fullest. I pray that you will find peace and strength and that each day will get a little better for you.
ReplyDeleteChannan,
ReplyDeleteThis broke my heart. I have so many of those same fears. I'm so so sorry. I wish you didn't have to walk around with this broken shattered heart. I wish Ainslee was still here. I wish Madeline was too. <3 Thinking of and praying for you always.
I love that song by Lighthouse too. Such good words.
Much Love,
Natalie
I am so sorry. I wish I could say or do something to make things better. I am amazed at your honesty...that alone has to be healing. I too was/am a worrier. It is no fun. It isn't healthy. Can you talk to a counselor? That really helped me when I was younger and worrying about things that I couldn't control. You need to grieve your baby girl, but you also need to be able to not worry about what might happen next...yes, I know easier said than done. You and your family are in my prayers. I wish I had more insightful things to say. Hang in there...keep blogging.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry...praying for you as always.
ReplyDeleteI love that song so much as well....hugs to you sweetie.
ReplyDeleteThinking about you Channan...praying for hope and peace for you.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog on another baby loss mom's blog...I am so very sorry for your loss. Your daughter was adorable. I lost my son a year ago to SIDS...it's a hard road and so sorry that you are dealing with it. I miss him more and more each day and things don't get easier as time goes on BUT you learn to handle it differently. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI continue to pray for you. I hope that God grants you peace of mind. I may be in no position to give advice, since I've never lived through anything like this, but it seems like the attempts for control breed the fear, rather than helping it. Try to give the control to God. He is better at handling things than we are. Sorry if it doesn't help. I hope that at least the prayers help. Don't go through this just you and your computer. Let God help through the people around you.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet, beautiful Channan. My heart breaks for you. The pain, loss and grief you must carry is unfathomable to me. I, too, see a counselor and if you haven't considered it already I definitely would. The stigma around it is unwarranted. It truly does help. The day of the week that I go I dread it all day and then afterward I'm overwhelming grateful that I went. Thinking of you, so sorrowfully.
ReplyDelete