Bring the Rain

Waking up this morning to a wonderful rainy Saturday morning was amazing. I love rain, I've always loved rain. And this is much needed rain. I feel like it was good mentally for me to have some rain finally. This post is more or less just an update of what's been going on in our lives the last 5 days since I've posted.

This week was busy. I had two support group meetings, a SIDS support group and MEND. We're getting ready for our MEND Walk to Remember October 1st. I've got all our t-shirts ordered, I've got our sign together, and I think I've just about got the number of people that will attend. Looks like we'll have a pretty big group representing Ainslee.

I've been putting off a couple of calls the last 2 or 3 months that I really haven't wanted to make but knew I eventually would. The first call would be to the medical examiner's office. They originally put a ridiculous cause of death on Ainslee's autopsy report and it really angered me. So much so, that I spoke to specialists about the result and then had a 2nd autopsy done for confirmation. The 2nd autopsy came back and confirmed my speculation of SIDS. I knew that's what had happened, I knew that this silent killer took her. I wanted the accurate cause of death on her autopsy report and her death certificate. It is so important to me. I finally got up the energy to call the ME's office on Wednesday. It was really hard on me. The assistant told me they would put Ainslee's case up for review next Wednesday and Thursday and come up with a final decision on her death. I will get a call by Friday. I'm nervous on one hand, but so glad I have that piece of it over with. I'm praying so hard that they put the correct cause of death down.

The 2nd call that I completed this past Wednesday was calling the fire department that responded to Ainslee the day she passed. I have been so eaten up with her being alone when she died and no one really helping her. I do however find comfort that, as soon as the fire department arrived, I KNOW they did their job to try to save our little girl. I know they were the ones with her on the way to the hospital. So, when I feel like I couldn't do anything at that time to save her, these men/women did. I have felt like I wanted to tell them that I'm thankful for what they do. After all, these are the people that were there with my daughter, holding her hand when her mother couldn't.

Those two calls were very emotional for me. My MEND group is always emotional for me. It's just hard everytime we go around the room to tell what has happened to our children. I'm the only one usually at the group that has a SIDS baby. Most babies are stillborn, between 20 and 40 weeks. There is one other couple who lost their 3 month old due to heart issues. These groups really open your eyes to all the possibilities of what can go wrong in a pregnancy, during infant years, and even toddler years. So scary.

Adrian starts preschool the first week of September, it's just 2 days a week. But it will help him to get back into a social setting and it'll free up more time for me to work since I work full time at home with him. I know that him going back to a setting outside of our house in someone else's care will be so hard on me. I'm very very scared about this. My trust has failed in other people. I don't trust much anymore. I did decide that it would be a good idea to take advantage of the volunteer opportunities they have at his school for this next year. Adrian's class is called Little Lambs, and there's 12 two year olds in his class. I decided to volunteer to be Adrian's Home Room Mom. I'm so excited about it. My mom was always my home room mom and growing up I always wanted to do this for my children.

I know I briefly mentioned about Ainslee's Bows...I'm still collecting bows for Ainslee's 1st birthday, holidays, etc. But, I'm also starting "Ainslee's Bows", a way to share our love for bows, and spread SIDS information. I'm really trying to get the first batch of Ainslee's bows delivered in October. So, I've got to get a lot of bows together, the materials to figure out how to put them together in a little package, the SIDS flyers to add in the packages, and a business card sized tag to attach on the outside of the packages to explain "Ainslee's Bows." We have a long way to go, and I think this next year we'll be super busy. I figure this will be good to get me through the rest of the year. Then 2012 I can start planning her 1 year memorial, and celebrate in April with Spring for SIDS Baseball and corporate events. As you can see, I'm trying to keep my mind busy but also use the sad energy I have to do better for Ainslee.

In the meantime, I'm hoping God will keep bringing the rain!

Always,
Channan