Sunday, December 30, 2012

A Baby Changes Everything

The above title has so much meaning to me, in so many ways. Rewind 3 1/2 years ago. We were pregnant with our first born. A son. And he was born with jet black hair and the most beautifully perfect face I had ever seen. He made me a Mom and gave me new meaning in this life. I learned about loving so deeply and definitely had the "first time Mom" feel about me. I cleaned every inch of every paci any time it remotely touched the floor. I had a protective air about me which would go in over gear should I feel anyone was intruding my motherly instinct space. I did everything the best way I knew how and I did it out of love for my son. He definitely changed the dynamic of our family and I am so grateful for that. A baby changes everything. When Adrian was 7 months old, we found out we were pregnant with another baby. It would be our little girl. I was scared at first, thinking Adrian would think I didn't love him enough and didn't make enough time for him with a new baby on the way. We found out we were having a baby girl and I was ecstatic to have a boy and a girl. What a true blessing. This little girl was captivating. She was unexpected, but beautiful nonetheless. Her brown eyes were like chocolate, the sweetest little voice. And she'd curl up in the nape of my neck which could soothe her on even the roughest of colicky days. Ainslee and I attended our first mother/daughter Christmas program and I remember that day vividly. We were in the 5-6th row and I had her in her carseat, all bundled up. She began to fuss and I took her out, held her close, in the nape of my neck. I cried. I felt a little overwhelmed in the moment. I knew this baby was everything to our family. I knew that she came to change us, just didn't know how. As I held her, I heard the most beautiful voice singing a song so dear to me now. "She has to leave, go far way. Heaven knows, she can't stay. A Baby changes Everything." And I cried. And I cried. I cried at the change this baby brought to our family. Feeling so blessed to have Adrian and Ainslee. Feeling sad and guilty that I wasn't able to give more of my undivided attention to Adrian individually, and the same to Ainslee. I also cried at trying to imagine what it must be like to be told you are expecting God's son. Jesus. He would come and be the Messiah. What a scary thing to be told. So much uncertainty. To have Him in a stable, no room for them. The grace that Mary must have. The grace that Joseph must have. The change this baby would bring to you and to me. Going through the loss of Ainslee was tragic beyond words. It continues to be a grief battle. But through that battle and loss of hope...a baby was born. Our sweet Hadlee Hope. I remember when they put Hadlee on my chest when she was born, she looked up all around to see what was going on. That is so Hadlee. She is still just as nosy as the day she was born. I am so grateful for her. I remember when I had her I was so confused by the whole process of everything we had been through. It can still seem surreal at times to think of all the events of having Ainslee, losing her, and having Hadlee...all so close together. It was definitely not my plan. Trusting in plans that are not of my own are difficult for me. I see myself falling into fear more often than not and quite frankly, get tired of it. I get tired of feeling paralyzed by fear, wondering what may possibly happen next. Will I be this poor woman who loses her husband, and all children? I sure hope not. But now that I am no stranger to grief and loss, I can't help but feel that I may lose everything. Natural? Sure. Exhausting? Absolutely. I find myself lately being absolutely head over heels in love with these two living children of mine. I've never felt so in love with them. I am addicted to them to a fault. They consume my mind, my heart, every fiber I have. And tonight, I am truly grateful for all the babies who have changed my life. And everything that has come along with that. A Baby changes Everything. It truly does.

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