Capture your Grief 2012

October has come and once again sadness is in part of my heart. Of course I have happiness with my husband and children, but there will always be a sadness and an ache for Ainslee, especially every October. If you remember, October is filled with many events that would be even more special if Ainslee were here. So since she's not here, the ache has returned. October 6th is our annual Walk to Remember. October 9th is my birthday, October 13th is Pappy's birthday, October 20th is Travis' birthday, along with our sweet daughter's 2nd birthday, October 29th. And then there's Halloween, Ainslee's first holiday with us. I've seen an event titled Capture your Grief and have seen what some are doing for this to help move their grief along and embrace it. This is the CarlyMarie Project in honor of Pregnancy and Infant loss awarness month, which is October. As much as I love the support for Breast Cancer awareness, I too wish that all the babies gone too soon got just as much recognition. There's no cure for SIDS and the only sign is death. This Capture your Grief project started October 1st. Each day you are to take a picture or use a picture that reminds you of the topic for that day. There are 31 topics for 31 days. I am obviously 3 days now behind. The first day was sunset. I'm choosing to forego the sunset day because I don't really have any attachment to sunsets. The 2nd day is Before Loss Self Portrait. I will end this post with my before loss self portrait, and follow it with day 3: After Loss Self Portrait. Tonight we had a Transitus at church, also a memorial for our loved ones. We bring a picture of our loved one up to church, place it on a table for all to pray for during the next month. We each say our loved ones name and this year, I had to sadly add my cousin's name. Derek Crook. He was my oldest cousin, at a young age of 33. He passed away the day before his 34th birthday this year. August 21st, 2012. His family is hurting, his mother is aching for her son. And I sadly understand. I get to see my Aunt, his mother, in a week and a half and I can't wait to wrap my arms around her. This month we are also participating in a golf tournament benefitting SIDS. I feel like this month of October has turned into one giant memorial that I'll never escape. I'm hoping to eventually look at it as a wonderful time to do many things to honor Ainslee instead of focusing on the sadness of each event. We are only into our 2nd year of loss so I know it'll take time. My biggest hurdle right now is trying to get through Ainslee's 2nd birthday. The thought of her being 2 is unbearable. I remember Adrian's 2nd birthday and how much we adore his age and to know we won't get that for our little girl Ainslee. That hurts. Here's my days #2 and #3: Before and After loss. I can definitely see a difference in my face, in my eyes, in my heart. I will never be the same girl again...good, bad, or indifferent.