Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Wave of Grief

I have been in the biggest blog funk I've ever experienced. I have so many things that come up that I totally want to blog about and then the beautiful chaos of babies and life stop me. Which I am completely fine with. We had a scare with Hadlee when she was 2 months and 4 days old. She got really ill and I've wanted to blog about that and our experience. Adrian turned 3 at the end of June and I want a post for his birthday. Of course I want to update on our Hattie girl and all she's doing. But first, let me talk about the wave of grief. Most times, since Hadlee's been born, I get so consumed with the busyness of taking care of a newborn/baby, taking care of a toddler, being a wife, trying to keep up with the house and life that it doesn't leave much emotional energy to grieve as heavy. Every day I think of Ainslee, I remember her. I think of our time together and little things I miss about her. But when I find myself falling into the depths of grief, one of my living children needs me and I quickly jump onto what it is they need me for and then get lost in life. Because of how busy we are most days I'm not allowing myself to get consumed with grief. Today I handed off Hadlee to her Daddy so I could eat dinner and happened to glance at a picture of Ainslee, one of her most precious pictures. May be one of my favorites...This one: I've found that when I look at her pictures now I feel the heaviness again. And just like that, as I stared at her picture...the heaviness was back. And I gave into grief. I sat at the kitchen table and just wept, mourning once again for the daughter I've lost, the daughter I miss terribly, the one I'll never get to watch grow up. As I even write this, I find myself having to remind my lungs to breath. The wave of grief has struck today but I still stand grounded, blessed, and stronger. Last night I took Hadlee to a SIDS support meeting where I met with 5 other mothers who all lost their babies to SIDS, ages 3-5 months of age. Tears were shed and I couldn't help but look at my Hadlee and feel so incredibly blessed to be given another chance. But I also feel so disheartened at the loss of Ainslee. I miss my 21 month old running around here, what she'd look like, who she'd be, the love she would give me and the love I could give to her. Today I gave into grief and grief won. But, I will say that there are more days that I am winning the battle and allowing myself to grow in strength. It's not an easy road and I've found myself losing my patience, having more anger, and not being the normal "Channan" so to speak. I'm going to find a way to work through that and I associate it all with feeling like I need to have control over every situation yet not being able to have that control all the time. I get sad at the friendships that have changed that I hope to one day restore. I'm not sure if those friendships will ever be salvageable due to not feeling like I had those people at the time when I most needed them. Again there is way more to sort out in this head of mine then I am able to type. Maybe one day I will be able to be fully honest with my feelings to those who have hurt me, made me feel like I should be "better", and those that haven't been there the way I thought. Sorry for the tangant. Hadlee will be 3 months old tomorrow! Just 11 days away from Ainslee's age when she passed away. Maybe that's why I'm getting more anxious, more angry, more unpredictable. While I understand that about myself, I'm not sure that anyone else does. I just keep praying my way through each day.


  1. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with the grief. I can't imagine your pain. Praying for you!!

  2. Channan, I'm a friend of your moms and she often shares your blogs with us. I just wanted you to know that I think you are an amazing woman; incredible mother and probably one of the strongest, most selfless people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing (even if it is just through your blogs)!! What you went through was terrible and very easily could have left you completely consumed with greif and anger but you have not only "made it through", you have become an inspiration to many. Your faith and strength is admirable. As for you getting "better", you get better every day just by being able to get up and face another day without your precious Ainslee. Not to mention being all that you are to your family!! While I pray that you continue to thrive and work through the really tough times, your entitled to those times and should never feel bad when you just have to stop and really allow yourself to grieve. A part of your family is not as it should be and sadly, never will be. Some days that will be harder to accept than others and whether it's a year or ten years later, you are entitled to whatever degree of grief your are feeling at that moment. Everyone should understand and respect that!! If they don't, I hope some day they are "better"!! Thanks for sharing your story with us and for being an inspiration!! You and your family continue to be in my paryers. Kim Gutierrez