Adrian Reese- 2 1/2 years old

Dear Adrian,
I wanted to write you a letter to wrap up 2011 and to document where you are, what you are into, and what you love. This has been an interesting year to say the least and you were very much a part of this year and helped us in ways you may never know. I felt it was important to write this down to you so you know just how much we love you and how much you helped your Mommy and Daddy in a year where we felt defeated. I know that there are many more hard days ahead of us, but I've seen that with you by our side, we will make it.

February of 2011 marked the most awful month to date. Your sweet sister Ainslee passed away in her sleep, no explanation except it was her time to be with Jesus. I hate that, but I'm learning to not have a choice but to accept it. As soon as Mommy and Daddy reached the hospital and learned that your sister was no longer alive, my thoughts immediately turned to you and your safety. I had your Grandpa Hook go get you right away to be in his safe care. I remember coming home from the hospital, empty handed without your sister, and you were just waking up from your nap. You were crying, I knew you missed her too. I just sobbed as I held you, and you wanted your Daddy. :) I knew in that moment I would have to cling to you-you would help me through.

The months to follow were devastating. Each day we lived a day without her. But as each day was revealed, I saw her in you. I saw her smile in yours. I see her eyes in yours-even though they were a different color. Your eyes as a baby were bright blue although now I see them changing a bit to have a more greenish tint. Your sweet sister Ainslee's eyes were a beautiful brown, like your Daddy's. And althougth you two have different features, you are both my children and I see so much of her in you.

Days would pass and due to your contagious smile and laughter, I would find myself smiling at the things I absolutely loved about you. Your innocence was hard to not smile at. God knew what He was doing by giving you to me first. He knew you could help me through. I still can't believe how an innocent two year old can always know the right things to say and do. I would get mad, you'd say, "it's okay Momma." I'd cry and you'd hug me, hold me, and say, "you miss Ainslee?" And then slowly, I started to see there were brighter moments in which you and I could simply laugh together.

I took you out of your daycare setting, knowing I needed to be with you all the time. I wanted to watch you breath as crazy as it sounds. You'll understand one day. :) The hot summer days went by and let me tell you, 2011's summer in Texas was a hot one. The hottest one since 1980-something. I was able to go back to work, but only did it from home to be with you. Your Daddy and I decided it would be a good idea to get you back in a part time preschool program and felt the best place would be at our church preschool. It's two days a week from 9-2:30. It was a rough transition for us both, being apart from each other again. It took you about 2 weeks to transition. I still have my moments after 5 months and cry because I miss you every second I'm not with you. Your teacher is amazing. She is the most wonderful caring lady and I feel so comfortable with you in her care. She knows our story, and she is sensitive to it. She knows when I'm sad and she acknowledges it. She has helped me in your transition into "school."

In November 2011, you had your first Thanksgiving Feast at school. I am your home room Mom so I have helped out in many ways throughout the school year with various activities. For the Feast I brought food up there to help set up. I was emotionally elated to see what a wonderful job your school did. They had the cutest little place mats, which I of course kept for you to look at, they said prayers, and I ate a feast with you by my side. It was a moment I will never forget. I was so proud of you for being in such a wonderful program. I was proud of me for allowing myself to try to let go enough to put you in a loving social and learning environment. I was sad Ainslee wasn't with us. But, I knew if she was with us, you wouldn't be a part of this program. I had other plans for you prior to losing her. This is where God wanted you. Where He wanted our family.

This Christmas break came and I took off work the entire time you were home to just have "Adrian/Mommy time." It was great. You were such a helper with the cooking, with picking out new decorations for our house, and by simply being you. You love to help just about anybody with anything. You have to be in the center of it all, helping in any way possible. I think it's the cutest thing. I think you may be the next up and coming Grandpa Hook which is a wonderful thing since your Daddy isn't exactly a fixer upper. :) Don't tell him I said that.

Right now you love to play with your play tools. You love your hammer, your tape measure, and your screw driver. You love to do puzzles of any kind right now. Your favorite puzzles are the firetruck puzzle and the alphabet train puzzle we got for Christmas. For Christmas, Santa brought you a big train table and you love that too. This Halloween and Christmas was a lot of fun with you. This is the first year you understand what is going on. You loved Halloween and you kept saying it was a Halloween Party. I think it was a Halloween party for 2 months....until Christmas came. Grandma Jan got you a big easel for all your coloring and drawing. Mommy got a big craft box for you and put all your markers, crayons, paper, paints, etc in there and you could spend a ton of time painting and drawing things. You love it so much, that you drew all over our dining room walls. You're such an artist!

With Christmas came lights and trees. You had so much fun picking out the tree, putting up the lights, putting ornaments on our tree, and getting ready for Christmas. You loved counting every night to get Daddy to turn the lights on...."3....1....5....6...7..8...go!" It was such a great reminder of all we have to live for. You bring us so much joy and happiness.

You love your Daddy to put you to bed. Every night before you go to bed, or every day before one of us leaves, you always say, "hug kiss." We know that means you want a tight hug and a big smooch. You love race cars, dinosaurs, tractors, towers, and you love when we pull up to a stop light. You like to tell us if it's red or green and if we should stop or go. When you say please, you say, "Meeease." You know the colors red, yellow, orange, green, blue, and pink. You still haven't had a hair cut, you're slow in growing hair but that's okay, I was the same way. You talk abotu Ainslee, even at such a young age. You say that Mima is rocking her, that she's in heaven with Jesus. You tell us you want to see her again. Trust me, we will all have a mighty reunion one day and I'll be able to finally care for all my children. 

Over Christmas break you showed me that you were ready to potty train. I picked out your very own racecar potty that I put in the bathroom. I kept you naked for a couple days, some days with underwear on and took you frequently to potty. You caught on quickly. You would go pee on the potty along with #2. I was so impressed with that. Not so impressed with cleaning the #2's but I'll take it. :) I now keep you in pull ups if you are at school or if we're going somewhere in case of an accident. But, when you're at home, you stay in your big boy underwear. Your Daddy and I are so proud of you for being so easy with it.

Ringing in the New year was anything but exciting. I felt so sad that Ainslee wasn't here. But then I felt grateful that I had you to cling to, to watch, to care for, and to love. Not to mention, we're getting ready for a special little someone in 2012. We'll be welcoming another sweet sister of yours-Hadlee Hope. She will add to our family. She will help our family. She will grow old with us. I'm trying my hardest to give you a sibling because you deserve it. I think when we lost Ainslee, a big part of me felt so guilty that she couldn't be around to play with you and grow up with you. I really felt like you were missing out. It makes me feel hopeful to know that Hadlee is coming and we'll get another chance at giving you a little partner.

Adrian-I love you so very much. You are my first born and that is irreplaceable. Every child a mother has, has their very own special characteristics. You are my little munchie-my munchola. Every night when I pray, you are always first on my list. I pray for your protection, your safety. I pray that you will grow into a Godly man and that one day, you will find a Godly woman to share a lifetime of happiness, with lots of children. I pray that Ainslee watches over you closely and protects you. I pray that I will get to grow old with you.

One of my favorite things is that you call your bottom a bollo and I just love it. It sounds so funny. You light up our lives sweet boy and I am beyond grateful for you. You are the light in my life. I hope out of this, you know just how very much you are loved and needed. Never for a second in this life forget how much I love you. The love of a mother is undescribable. Never forget how much you were wanted and just how incredible you are. At the age of 19 months old, you helped your mother through the hardest time I've ever had. You are a God sent my sweet boy...and from the moment I held you, I loved you. And I always will.

Always,

Mommy

Give Her to God

One year ago today, I dedicated our sweet baby girl to Jesus. January 2nd, 2011 we stood before our family, friends, and faith community and joined in celebration as Ainslee Ryan was baptized. I may not be able to give her a first birthday, a sweet 16, or a wedding. But I was able to give her faith and give her to God. I am so thankful for that day and for those memories. I am remembering this sweet day today and always. Enjoy our day in pictures....



"One Lord, One Faith, One Baptism." Eph 4:5

Always,

Channan

New Years Emotions

The emotions surrounding New Years by far exceeded the emotions surrounding Christmas. I think I cried a couple times Christmas Eve, a couple times Christmas day.....but nothing would prepare me for the grief on New Years eve and day.

Last year on New years's eve, Travis and I dropped off Adrian and Ainslee at my mother in law's for the night so we could enjoy a night out. It was Ainslee's first night away from us. We went to a house party, part of our extended family, and we had a great time. Ainslee had a wonderful first night away, it was her only night away. We spent a wonderful New year's day together in anticipation of the 2011 blessings to come. I had no idea a month later I'd be saying goodbye to our daugther.

Fast forward to New year's eve this year, the same family party was to take place. I had felt the emotions building as New year's eve approached, and I told Travis I didn't think I'd be able to participate in any festivities. I definitely knew I couldn't do any midnight toasts, or celebrate to a new year. You'd think I'd love to see a new year. I think for me, the changing into a new year is so bittersweet to me.

I would find myself reflecting on our pain in 2011, where we've been, how far we've come. I've thought about the last time I held Ainslee in the ER room and how she felt in my arms. I thought about the pain surrounding losing her and the many moments that try to cause me to stop breathing. I pondered how in the world we are still standing almost 11 months later. 2011 has been such sadness for me, for our family. A big piece of us is gone.

The biggest anxiety I feel surrounds knowing that 2012 will not consist of any memories of Ainslee. 2011 will be the last year she was ever a part of. And that thought takes my breath away. I now hate being in a new year in which I'll never know my daughter.

I decided to go to the party with Travis last night. I knew we'd be surrounded by people we love and who love us. But I knew I may not make it, and I told my feelings and thoughts to Travis. If it was up to me, we probably wouldn't have gone. But I wanted Travis to enjoy himself and not be brought down by my sadness. Throughout the night, I cried on and off. I cried when we arrived and I hugged a dear friend. I cried when a girl asked if this was my first baby and I had to go into the details of our children. I cried as I saw the clock getting later and later and finally got Travis out of there, just as I was beginning to really have a breakdown. I cried the whole way home, ready to just get back to our home and watch my little boy on our monitor. And as the clock struck midnight, I laid in the arms of my husband in a silent home sobbing. No midnight kiss or midnight Happy New Year celebration. Instead a sad reflection of our awful year and the pain that goes with it.

I think the biggest shock of all, is that we are quickly approaching the 1 year of her being gone. I literally get dizzy and sick feeling thinking that we've almost been without her a year. An entire year. I just can't wrap my head around that. That cool numbing feeling comes over me all over again, the heaviness I've talked about slips back into my life, and once again, I feel that grief is going to overtake me.

My New Years emotions were something that I wasn't anticipating. But as the week approached, I started to feel it creeping in. I know that 2012 has many things to offer, and we'll be welcoming Hadlee into our family. But the fear of not knowing what could possibly happen to our family is something that can almost be paralyzing. If someone would have told me on New years day 2011, that we would have the year we had, I would have never believed them. It leaves me fearful, once again. I'm hoping that this grief will ease and joy will return again. I will admit, there have been days that are happy days again. Days where I start to feel more like myself, although I know it'll never be the same as it was the day before she passed away. I miss her so much and I so wish she was here for me to care for. I hope she knows how incredibly much I love her and miss her and need her.

I'm hoping this year will provide us with the healing we need, the joy we deserve, and the HOPE we've been praying for.

Always,
Channan

Pictures

Can't for the life of me figure out how to turn this...so enjoy it side ways! :)

Always,

Channan

The Santa Line Breakdown

So today Adrian and I have been planning to go see Santa. I have been a bit under the weather with what seems to be a cold. I didn't get much sleep last night due to too much coughing and so when I woke up today, I immediately felt emotional. I knew today was going to be one of those days.

Adrian and I set off with my mother in law to head to a place where every child longs to be...Santa's lap. I decided I would take along an 8X10 picture of Ainslee so that I didn't feel like she wasn't included. It was important to me to make sure she was in the picture because it just doesn't feel complete anymore taking pictures without her in them. It will never feel complete.

We parked and started our walk to Santa's line. As we took our place in line, waiting for Santa to show up, I couldn't help but notice a mother with her baby girl in tow, and the grandmother as well. I heard them say it was a little girl and she was 3 1/2 months old. I thought to myself, "of course she is." The woman behind them asked if it was her first baby, and the mother politely said yes. "There's nothing like a first born." replied the woman in line.

I placed my Ainslee picture next to where I was standing and watched as my mother in law and Adrian ran around checking out the Christmas tree, the fountains, and the lights. 10 minutes of waiting seemed a lot longer at the time.

All of a sudden, I hear my sweet little boy's voice screaming "Mommy, Mommy....SANTA!!!!" He was walking next to Santa as he was heading our way. It was a moment of pure joy for Adrian. The emotions that accompanied me seeing this excitement in him were by far overwhelming. I didn't expect them, and they took control of me. He was running towards me and I was just sobbing. In a split second, I realized a lot of things. I realized firstly how incredibly much I love Adrian. I love seeing his excitement and I love that he brings joy to my life. I immediately realize that our sweet 1 year old daughter should be there to share in our family fun. I got so overwhelmed by the fact that she was never going to see Santa again. I would never get her picture with Santa. She would never be in our family pictures again. I was consumed with grief.

As I tried to collect myself, I heard another woman behind us saying how beautiful my baby was. She was talking about Ainslee's picture, so I said thank you. Of course the questions arise and I say that our daugther passed away in February of this year and I was taking her picture to see Santa with my sweet boy. She of course turned around....literally. Some people just can't handle it, and honestly have no idea what to say. I've seen that a lot amongst family, friends, strangers.

The proud grandmother of the 3 1/2 month old girl behind me came around their stroller and car seat and wrapped her arms around me. And I lost it. I cried so hard in this stranger's arms. Not concerned with how I appeared, not concerned with the absurd sounds you make when you wail, not concerned that I had no idea who she was. She simply said, "I understand."

She proceeded to tell me that her daughter that was there, the mother of the 3 1/2 month old, lost twin boys 8 years ago when she was 7 months pregnant. This wasn't her first child, this was her 3rd. That showed me that you have no idea of anyone else's story, as glamorous as it may seem. We all shared stories, we laughed, we cried. And slowly....we made our way up to see Santa.

As we approached Santa's sleigh, I handed Santa Ainslee's picture and asked if he would please hold it for our picture. I explained she had passed away earlier this year and I'd like her to be in our Santa picture. His eyes grew a gray sadness, his old lips turned down, and he touched my shoulder. "I understand." Santa lost his 21 year old great granddaughter to an unknown cause, they found her lifeless at home. I could see his sadness and as I sat next to Santa with my little boy on my lap, my Hadlee wiggling around in my tummy, I thought, everyone has their sadnesses. Everyone has a story. He said that it is completely unnatural for a mother/father/grandparent to bury their child/grandchild. Gosh, he understood. And this sweet St. Nick told me that this Christmas he would pray for me. That's all I wanted to ask Santa for, for Christmas. To please just bring me joy and let me grow old with my children.

Adrian mentioned to Santa he'd like a choo-choo train. :) Our picture was about as perfect as it can get. This Santa was by far the sweetest Santa I've ever met and his kind heart was easily able to be seen.

Today showed me that we are not the only family going through a difficult loss. That other strange faces on the street may look like normal faces to you, may look like a person that has their life together. But in actuality, we have no idea what's on the other end. Today was a reminder that we're not alone in this grief battle. Today was a reminder that the jollyest of souls goes home tonight and has hurt. It was another reminder that God sent me people to show me that we can do this and that he's sent us Adrian and Hadlee to help us through. When the grief does get heavy and I feel like it's crashing down, I remind myself that I am so thankful to be Ainslee's mother. I would never want her to be anyone else's child so I didn't have to feel this pain. I would feel this pain as fresh as the day it happened, day in and day out, for the rest of my life for those short 3 months with her. And so what if I had a Santa line breakdown....it's all part of the healing process. Or so I'm told.

Always,
Channan

Hadlee Hope Update

I think I've been in a much needed Hadlee update. So, we went and saw my OB this past Wednesday for a sono with my sonographer and my "20" week with my Dr.

Today marks me being 22 weeks-18 weeks to go until I have her in my arms. I can't even wait! So, leading up to the sono this past Wednesday, I was pretty anxious. I didn't know what we'd see, if she would be healthy, or if there would be something else to report. It seems sonograms can be so wonderful, yet so daunting. They immediately looked at her brain to see her cavum septum pellucidum. It was present, and it looked perfect. I was thrilled. Next part, the heart. She looked at her outflow tracts and saw both of them, functioning the way they are supposed to. Again, thrilled. I felt myself becoming elated. We saw her toes too, and they were perfect.

She was of course moving around everywhere. She had her knees up to her face, toes over her head, hands up and down, flipping and moving constantly. She was busy. We saw her upper lip which was fully formed along with her palate. Hadlee was measuring right on, 21 weeks and 3 days.

On top of the wonderful news about Hadlee, my subchorionic bleed is gone which takes a huge weight off my shoulders. Getting this news about Hadlee's health and my health was wonderful.

My next appt is the first week in January where I will do my initial glucose test. I always fail that test and have to do the 3 hour which is so not fun. With Adrian, I had gestational diabetes. With Ainslee, the tests showed I didn't have it, but she was a big baby so I feel I was probably borderline. So, we'll see what this pregnancy brings.

Hadlee's name: So, when we were talking about names, prior to knowing the gender, I called the baby "Hope." I felt this baby was the hope we needed to continue on and add to our family. This baby would bring us new memories and we were hopeful we would grow old with him/her. I knew when I was deciding on a girl name that I wanted it to go with Ainslee since they would be sisters. I didn't want another "A" name, I didn't do that on purpose with Adrian and Ainslee.

Through this grief, I've met some amazing people and one person I honestly can't imagine my life without. I met her through my MEND group and feel that there is a connection that can't be had with anyone else. She is wonderful. She lost her little girl February 28th of this year, 20 days after I lost Ainslee. She ended up going to high school with Travis, goes to my same OB, and has a first born that is a week older than Adrian. Her little girl she lost was Hadley. Hadley was born at 21 weeks, 5 days. She is also buried at Bluebonnet where Ainslee is. I fell in love with the name Hadley and so I wanted to ask my dear friend how she'd feel if we named our little girl after her Hadley, but incorporated Ainslee's spelling to it to get our very own Hadlee. It was a very personal conversation, and I knew that it would be just fine if she said no. But, she was in tears about it, so happy to have her daughter's name live on. I know that if someone I was close with named their daughter Ainslee or incorporated it somehow, that I would feel it was so sweet to honor our daughter in that way. I know everyone is different, and has various feelings, but I was so glad to know we felt the same way. We named her middle name Hope for obvious reasons.

We've started the progression of incorporating Hadlee's things into Ainslee's room. For the most part, it's staying the same. I've taken the guest bed out of there that I would sleep in the last 2 weeks when we tried to transition Ainslee over to her room. It really made the room bigger, it's already a good sized room. On one wall, we have a tree painted with two owls on it, and on it reads "Ainslee Ryan". I decided I couldn't take off her name so I will add Adrian Reese and Hadlee Hope to the wall, and add an extra little owl. In the last few weeks I have felt so strongly about getting owl things for Hadlee. So, I have quite the favorite list on etsy right now. I figure after Christmas, we'll really start getting ready for her.

I was able to go through Ainslee's things in her room and get together all of the things she wore, or things that were Ainslee specific. Along with all the autopsy reports, ambulance reports, funeral paperwork, etc and I put them neatly into my grandmother's old trunk at the foot of our bed. I felt emotionally ready to do this and so I knew I needed to just get it done. I did, and to be honest, it felt okay. Maybe because I didn't have to entirely paint or change her room. But, I felt such a peace with getting started on getting ready for Hadlee and felt mentally wonderful to free up some space in there. I still just love their nursery and I'm looking forward to adding to it with the added names to the owl wall, and a couple cute pieces of furniture to get ready for our Hadlee.

Hadlee's stocking should be in the mail and will be hanging next to her big sister's. I can't believe Ainslee will be a big sister, because in my mind, she's still 3 months old. That's all I know her at is 3 months and 10 days old. Oh how I miss that sweet girl. And yet so looking forward to having Hadlee in my arms. 2 very different journeys with very different feelings yet I am thankful to be a mother to 3 beautiful children.

Always,
Channan

Ainslee's Acts of Kindness

Today marks 10 months-10 months she's been with Jesus, 10 months since I've held her sweet body in my arms, 10 months since our lives were shattered. 10 months is so close to a year and I just can not begin to wrap my head around her being gone for a year. A year used to seem like a significant period of time, it used to take forever. Prior to losing Ainslee, I thought a year would give us plenty of time to heal. As we approach the 1 year mark, I see where we are in our grief...still unpredictable, still consumed with grief, still missing her. Although I will say that there are joyous moments that have been restored. Adrian and Hadlee help to restore that joy. Our lives changed 10 months ago, and essentially, they continue to change. We're preparing for Hadlee, we're mending broken hearts one day at a time, we're clinging together as a family.

As the Christmas season is upon us, and it's a time of caring, sharing, and giving....I am finally going to reach out and ask for help. I haven't asked for much help on my own since I've lost Ainslee. But, I think with asking for those of you willing to help our family this holiday, that it will make it brighter.

Ainslee would be a year and 2 months old this Christmas. She'd start to enjoy opening presents, seeing the lights, watching her brother light up from the smile on her face. This would be her second Christmas, our first without her. I am so so grateful to have had her first Christmas to hold her and love on her. If only I would have known how short our time would be. So, this year, I am ready to make new memories. And it's up to you to help.

I am asking you to help me fill Ainslee’s stocking with one of two things, or both should you be willing to do so. We would greatly appreciate it if you would 1) write her a letter. It could be about anything. Maybe what you remember about her, what you imagine she would be like, or how she has impacted your life. OR 2) I would like to challenge you to do one random act of kindness for someone between now and Christmas in honor of Ainslee. It can be small, it can be big, just as long as it is something that is kind and as long as you are doing it, you are thinking of our baby girl Ainslee. Once you have completed your random act of kindness, please write a description of what it was. When you have this or just a regular letter completed, please email them to me at texchic36@hotmail.com . In the subject line, please write MERRY CHRISTMAS AINSLEE! I will not be opening these until Christmas morning. Travis and I will go through them and read them together. I will know that it is a gift for Ainslee by the subject line you email me, and I will then print it out without reading it.

There are not any guidelines with what you write, or what you do for your act of kindness. It is simply to keep Ainslee's memory alive, especially now. Don't worry about writing the "right" thing, we appreciate any thoughts big and small. Again, we appreciate the continued support and I look forward to seeing our loving friends and family come together once again to make this season brighter.

Merry Christmas to all and especially to my angel....Ainslee Ryan.

Warm wishes,
The Soppe Family