Hadlee Hope Update

I think I've been in a much needed Hadlee update. So, we went and saw my OB this past Wednesday for a sono with my sonographer and my "20" week with my Dr.

Today marks me being 22 weeks-18 weeks to go until I have her in my arms. I can't even wait! So, leading up to the sono this past Wednesday, I was pretty anxious. I didn't know what we'd see, if she would be healthy, or if there would be something else to report. It seems sonograms can be so wonderful, yet so daunting. They immediately looked at her brain to see her cavum septum pellucidum. It was present, and it looked perfect. I was thrilled. Next part, the heart. She looked at her outflow tracts and saw both of them, functioning the way they are supposed to. Again, thrilled. I felt myself becoming elated. We saw her toes too, and they were perfect.

She was of course moving around everywhere. She had her knees up to her face, toes over her head, hands up and down, flipping and moving constantly. She was busy. We saw her upper lip which was fully formed along with her palate. Hadlee was measuring right on, 21 weeks and 3 days.

On top of the wonderful news about Hadlee, my subchorionic bleed is gone which takes a huge weight off my shoulders. Getting this news about Hadlee's health and my health was wonderful.

My next appt is the first week in January where I will do my initial glucose test. I always fail that test and have to do the 3 hour which is so not fun. With Adrian, I had gestational diabetes. With Ainslee, the tests showed I didn't have it, but she was a big baby so I feel I was probably borderline. So, we'll see what this pregnancy brings.

Hadlee's name: So, when we were talking about names, prior to knowing the gender, I called the baby "Hope." I felt this baby was the hope we needed to continue on and add to our family. This baby would bring us new memories and we were hopeful we would grow old with him/her. I knew when I was deciding on a girl name that I wanted it to go with Ainslee since they would be sisters. I didn't want another "A" name, I didn't do that on purpose with Adrian and Ainslee.

Through this grief, I've met some amazing people and one person I honestly can't imagine my life without. I met her through my MEND group and feel that there is a connection that can't be had with anyone else. She is wonderful. She lost her little girl February 28th of this year, 20 days after I lost Ainslee. She ended up going to high school with Travis, goes to my same OB, and has a first born that is a week older than Adrian. Her little girl she lost was Hadley. Hadley was born at 21 weeks, 5 days. She is also buried at Bluebonnet where Ainslee is. I fell in love with the name Hadley and so I wanted to ask my dear friend how she'd feel if we named our little girl after her Hadley, but incorporated Ainslee's spelling to it to get our very own Hadlee. It was a very personal conversation, and I knew that it would be just fine if she said no. But, she was in tears about it, so happy to have her daughter's name live on. I know that if someone I was close with named their daughter Ainslee or incorporated it somehow, that I would feel it was so sweet to honor our daughter in that way. I know everyone is different, and has various feelings, but I was so glad to know we felt the same way. We named her middle name Hope for obvious reasons.

We've started the progression of incorporating Hadlee's things into Ainslee's room. For the most part, it's staying the same. I've taken the guest bed out of there that I would sleep in the last 2 weeks when we tried to transition Ainslee over to her room. It really made the room bigger, it's already a good sized room. On one wall, we have a tree painted with two owls on it, and on it reads "Ainslee Ryan". I decided I couldn't take off her name so I will add Adrian Reese and Hadlee Hope to the wall, and add an extra little owl. In the last few weeks I have felt so strongly about getting owl things for Hadlee. So, I have quite the favorite list on etsy right now. I figure after Christmas, we'll really start getting ready for her.

I was able to go through Ainslee's things in her room and get together all of the things she wore, or things that were Ainslee specific. Along with all the autopsy reports, ambulance reports, funeral paperwork, etc and I put them neatly into my grandmother's old trunk at the foot of our bed. I felt emotionally ready to do this and so I knew I needed to just get it done. I did, and to be honest, it felt okay. Maybe because I didn't have to entirely paint or change her room. But, I felt such a peace with getting started on getting ready for Hadlee and felt mentally wonderful to free up some space in there. I still just love their nursery and I'm looking forward to adding to it with the added names to the owl wall, and a couple cute pieces of furniture to get ready for our Hadlee.

Hadlee's stocking should be in the mail and will be hanging next to her big sister's. I can't believe Ainslee will be a big sister, because in my mind, she's still 3 months old. That's all I know her at is 3 months and 10 days old. Oh how I miss that sweet girl. And yet so looking forward to having Hadlee in my arms. 2 very different journeys with very different feelings yet I am thankful to be a mother to 3 beautiful children.

Always,
Channan