So...How's the baby?

(SIGH)....So, I haven't been back into the office at Fannie Mae since I got the call from our daycare lady about Ainslee. I've been working from home since and have kept Adrian at home with me here. I feel more in control if I can see his sweet face 24/7. :)

I had a few of my direct managers coming in town this week, this past Monday, and so I thought I'd go ahead and schedule some Fannie Mae manager meetings since I was out that way due to lunch and a team event. So, this past Monday afternoon, I made the long trek up to the 7th floor to do meetings. It wasn't as awful as it would've been had I been in the same Fannie Mae building where I got the call. We have 3 locations around Addison and I was in one of the other locations.

These managers I'm meeting with are not my direct reports, they are Fannie Mae managers. My job is to coordinate with them to fill needed positions, etc. So, they don't know the in's and out's of my life. My first manager meeting came and went and after I did have to go to the restroom to let my emotions go. A couple small things came up during the meeting that just made me think of Ainslee. Halloween was mentioned and how much fun my son was going to have this year due to being 2 and all I could think about was how I spent Ainslee's first and only Halloween in the hospital last year and didn't worry too much about Adrian's Halloween since I knew we'd have this next year. I had Ainslee dressed in her little Halloween outfit, with a bow of course. ;)

 

After I gathered myself, I felt like the worst was out of the way. My co-worker and I finished making the rounds and were about to head out when I saw a manager that I used to work with a lot. The last time he saw me was when I was 9 months pregnant and about to go out on maternity leave. There were about 3 other men outside his office door, and myself and co-worker standing right inside his office saying hello. The first thing that came out of his mouth was, "So, how's the baby?"

My heart sunk. My eyes welled. I thought I was going to throw up. My lip started to quiver and I just looked at my co-worker...and then back at the manager. He then followed up with, "is she a handfull?" OMG..I had to get something out of my mouth before it got any worse.

" I hate to tell you this but my baby girl died. She died in February...of SIDS."

Hearing those words, telling this man who had no idea of what happened, and then realizing all over again that I'm living in this awful nightmare and having to openly admit it to people who don't know is just awful. I felt sad for him too because I could see the mortified expression on his face and sadness in his eyes. I felt like falling to my knees, but somehow I stayed somewhat composed. It definitely all caught up to me that night.

I'm sure my baby is fine, I'm sure she's more beautiful, I'm sure she's in great care. But she's not here. And so while my baby might be fine, I'm not. I'm the one left to suffer, to be sad, to miss a sweet girl gone too soon.

The heaviness is ever present....

Always,
Channan