Still here

Well HELLO! Yes, I am still here. I come to my blog frequently to visit my previous posts and revisit all my many emotions that have been traveled through in the last 2 1/2 years. Things/life have been so incredibly busy. Work is insanely busy, church is so so busy, and the kids are busier than ever. But, they are doing great. Hadlee is now 15 months old and just had her 15 month well check. Adrian had his 4th birthday and we take him for his well check on Thursday. Hadlee is my little firecracker. I mean, seriously. She is something else. She has such a sweet nature, and is also hilarious. She loves her brother, and he loves her so much. Life has really taken off. At 15 months, Hadlee knows a lot of her body parts. She knows head, ears, nose, eyes, mouth, tummy, fingers and toes. She can say, no, up, more, Mama, Dada, Adrian, Ainslee, Cash, Ball, thank you, and my favorite..ELMO. The way she says it is just too much. The work Elmo takes on about 4 syllables. She's a true Texan. She's got 11 teeth and is currently cutting 6 more! She's a little piranna. She is miserable with all the teeth cutting though. She's getting 4 molars and her 2 fangs. Adrian is busy this summer with swimming lessons, baseball and soccer lessons. He is loving playing outside and getting wet any chance he can get. Travis has been busy with work and our family. And I have been so busy with work and church. I help to put on a retreat for women and it's surrounded arounding renewing your faith and renewing our parish. I attended this retreat in January and have now gone through formation since January where we are planning for another 41 women to go through in just 3 short weeks. I am so thankful for this group of women, the love they have shown, and the ability to comfort in times of my dark despair. I am able to be so raw with them and show them the ugliness of grief. In a few weeks, I will be opening my heart up publically to 41 strangers. (Actually one going through is my nanny which I am so excited for!) My nanny helps us one day a week and she is a great sound of mind for me. :) All in all, we've been busy. But it's a good busy. If I can just keep ahold of work, I'll be alright. We did take a trip this summer with both kiddos to Iowa for a family wedding and it was a lot of fun. It was interesting traveling by plane with two little ones. Adrian was great. Hadlee was a little opionionated, but I let her speak her peace. We babysat Adrian's pet gecko from his school for 3 weeks, Adrian got 3 fish for his birthday, and we sadly said goodbye to 3 fish. I'm not sure what happened, but they didn't make it. We're taking a fish break, enjoying the summer with each other, and loving watching our children grow. They do something every day that is new, something that makes us laugh, and teaches us to appreciate all we've been given. Tonight I was out on a run, and as I was headed back towards home, only about a quarter of a mile left, Somewhere over the rainbow came on my itunes. The sky was bright pink, I was running and a gust of wind caught my hair. For a moment, I felt like I was surrounded by Ainslee. I was calm, at peace, and thankful for that moment. I miss her like crazy.

Hadlee's 1st Birthday Party Celebration

This past Sunday, April 7th, we had Hadlee's birthday party. We had such a great time. I wasn't stressed like I typically am for birthday parties, everything came together beautifully! We had a bounce house, a huge cupcake sign in the front of our yard, balloon animals and face painting, and a table of candy! Oh, and not to mention the cutest birthday girl alive! Hadlee took a great nap right up until her party started at 1 and was all rested up for the festivities. She didn't get her face painted but she did take pictures (some of which she was not fond of), ate a piece of pizza, and enjoyed dainty bites of her smash cake. Hadlee is pretty attached to me and as long as she was on my hip, she was great. I wanted to have a beautiful fun-filled candy themed birthday party for our special little girl and it all turned out perfectly. Tomorrow is her actual birthday. We are starting off the day at 8:30 am with a mass for Ainslee. Hopefully we'll be able to have a great day celebrating our little girl. We are all a bit under the weather so I'm hoping these sniffles and runny noses don't hold us back! Below are a few pictures of Hadlee's special day...enjoy!!!

I am Growing up in God's House

Today when I picked Adrian up from school, he got in the car and as we drove off I could hear him singing. "I am welcome here in God's house...Oh I love to be in God's family, I am growing up in God's house." I feel such pride hearing the love he has for Jesus and God. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right to have our Lord be part of his life at such a young age. When we first lost Ainslee and talked about her in the months and the first year to come, I would always try to say that Ainslee was with Jesus and God and that she was so happy in Heaven with them. I explained that Jesus had a lot of great work for Ainslee to do and that we would see all the good that would come of her life and being part of our family. Adrian's mind being the innocent 2 year old he was at the time immediately associated Ainslee being a baby, with the fact that Jesus must be a baby also. And He must be my baby at that! So, now I had Ainslee in Heaven and Jesus in Heaven. I thought it was so cute, but quickly let him know that Jesus wasn't my baby and although he once WAS a baby, He grew into a man. The conversation left off there and has evolved over Adrian as he grows up. Recently Adrian has been bringing books home on Tuesdays from school that are all about snakes. He loves getting a funny reaction from me about the snake books. I pretend they disgust me...which they really do! We were reading one evening before bedtime and in the book it talked about venomous snakes and the fact that some can kill a human. That lead to what are humans, is our dog Cash a human, etc. After we did a lesson on mammals, humans, animals, birds, bees....you get the picture, Adrian asked if Jesus died because he got bit by a snake. I had to chuckle inside, it was so cute. I told him that Jesus was a man and was forced to die on a cross for all of us humans so that we may live with Him one day in Heaven. Such a big concept for such a little guy. That seemed to suffice for the time being and bedtime went on as normal. Fast forward to the followind Sunday at church (this past Sunday), we were leaving and going to see Ainslee as we always do at the cemetery every Sunday. As we were driving, Adrian asks...."Did Ainslee die on the cross too?" I felt like I got hit in the stomach and had the breath taken from me. What an innocent question. I had no idea how to explain how she died. I was searching for words, ideas, anything to say the right thing to him and then told him that she simply stopped breathing. I told him it wasn't common so he wouldn't be scared of stopping breathing or the same thing happening to Hadlee. But, I told him that sometimes with babies, they are little and forget to keep breathing so Jesus comes and helps them to Heaven. That seemed to suffice and we enjoyed the rest of our day. This is one of those times I wish I didn't have to explain to my 3 year old in his pure innocence the way of life, the depths of grief, the finality of death. He is trying to understand it all at such a young age, when most 3 year olds are mainly concerned with which truck to play with. Granted he does have fun and is full of wonderful life experiences that are his blessings, but he does have a unique situation that he ponders often. Last night as I was putting him to bed, we read the story of Jesus on the cross and the hope of heaven from his children's bible since he had been questioning so much of it. Every night Adrian sleeps with his teradactile (sp) and his Ainslee bear. His Ainslee bear was sent to us when she passed away from a friend and inside it has a picture of Ainslee explaining where she went but reminding Adrian that she is so proud of her brother. Those 2 animals are close seconds to his Mommy and Daddy. He asked me last night if when he dies, if he can take teradactile and Ainslee bear....then retracted and said he'd leave them here for me and when I get to heaven with him I can bring them. I told him nobody is dying, we're going to be 90 years old when we die and it won't be by a snake bite or on a cross. :) I am so happy with our family and to watch this little boy grow up in God's house. That in itself is truly a blessing. I love you my sweet boy Adrian.

10 months for Hattie

Our Hadlee was 10 months old yesterday. I can't believe she is 10 months. 10 months is so close to a year old, so close to walking and taking those first steps. I can't wait! Yesterday was also the day we buried our sweet Ainslee. It was a bittersweet day for me in remembering Ainslee, and celebrating Hadlee. Our Hadlee is so full of life and so sweet. She is busy as can be. Aside from sitting up and crawling all over our house, she is pulling up on everything too and starting to cruise a little bit. At 10 months, Hadlee is in a size 3 diaper and weighs 17 pounds 4 ounces. She is in 6-12 month clothes or 9 month clothes. She isn't too big at all. She still take 4 bottles a day, 3 breast milk during the day and 1 formula before bed at night. She has started to eat yogurt for some protein and last night at dinner at what we ate! She initially started out with her oatmeal mixed with sweet potatoes and then sat with me as I ate. She ended up eating some of my meatloaf, potatoes, broccoli and avocados and did great with it all. She's growing up fast. Sleeping wise she is sometimes sleeping 11-12 hours straight at night without any interruptions. Other nights she is waking up once and acting like she is wide awake. I think she just likes it if I'm in there with her and rocking her and then decides she just wants to stare at me. After 30 minutes of rocking, eyes wide open, and her playing with my face, I will lay her down. She may fuss for a minute but then realized it's still time to sleep. Hadlee loves her baths, she loves to play and smile, she loves puffs and mum mums, and she loves her Mommy. She is quite the clingy little thing. She loves to typically be in my arms 90% of the time. I do enjoy that. I like to be the person she feels so comfortable with. I need to share some updated picture of our sweet girl but my other computer that I typically use is on the fritz and I need to get it fixed so I can get my pictures uploaded. Hadlee is bringing us joy every day and I am having so much fun planning every detail of her party. Happy 10 months Hadlee Hope!

Happy Ainslee Day! 2 Years of Grief.

February 8th, 2013.....2 years. I can't believe our 2nd year is complete. The week leading up to February and to the 8th made me sick to my stomach in anticipation. I knew it was coming, and I knew there was no way to avoid it or sleep through it all. The night of February 7th I felt the sadness creep in and after putting the kiddos to bed, talked to Travis for a bit on the couch. I began saying how much I am missing out on Ainslee. I miss her being 2 years old. I think about what type of bedtime routine she would have and how she would wake up in the morning. Would she play for a bit in her crib or would she be in a toddler bed? Would she say "Momma" and I'd go to her rescue...would she want to immediately get on the couch with a sippy cup of milk and watch a show? Or would she want to get in bed with me to snuggle a bit and wake up slowly. Would she want breakfast right away or want to wait a bit and what would she want for breakfast. How would her voice sound and what would her smile look like. I hate not knowing. That made me so sad. That night I went to sleep wishing I'd wake up and it'd be a dream, knowing I couldn't be that lucky. The next morning, I woke up to the babbling of Hadlee and walked out to see Adrian on the couch with Daddy snuggling. I reminded Adrian what this day was and he was so excited, "It's Ainslee Day!!!!" He was so excited to celebrate the life of his sweet sister and I was glad to see his happiness in this moment. My goal was to celebrate her life, not dwell in her death. Even though February 8th will forever be a sad day, if I drowned in the grief and sadness, I won't be able to be the best person I can be. We went and got Ainslee flowers and balloons and first went to the cemetery. We let her balloons go to heaven, gave her flowers, and prayed as a family to have glimpses of happiness. We then headed off to the Fort Worth stock show. We had such a good time. I did have a moment of sadness out there thinking what if Ainslee is sad she's gone, and we're just off celebrating. I tried to push that out of my head and keep saying let's do fun things for Ainslee. We talked about her all day. We always talk about her as if she's physically here with us all the time and we are truly a family of 5. Adrian loved seeing all the animals, the big cows, the sheep, the pigs, the goats. Adrian just HAD to hold these baby goats but in order to hold a baby goat, you had to purchase a $12 picture. We of course said okay. So, he sat down and had one goat on his lap and another one standing right next to him. Just as the photographer took his picture, the goat thought his hair looked quite appetizing and decided to start eating it. Adrian got tickled with laughter as the goat enjoyed his hairy snack and the picture turned out priceless. My $12 laugh was a memorable one and I am so glad we have that funny memory. After all the animal fun, we went over to the carnival and ride area to have fun riding rides! I got to ride a roller coaster with Adrian and it was his first roller coaster ride. At the end of the day, we thought we'd buy Adrian his first pair of cowboy boots and they are adorable! I carried Hadlee most of the day in the baby bjorn in front of me and she seemed to really enjoy all the things there to look at. She took a little snooze in my arms and I found myself staring at her and finding such hope and healing in that moment. I remembered 2 years ago when we lost Ainslee holding her lifeless body in my arms, returning to a cold empty home, having to pump and wean myself of breastfeeding. Fast forward 2 years, I was looking down at Ainslee's little sister Hadlee and admiring how beautiful she was, alive and breathing in my arms. I was still breastfeeding and able to give Hadlee that milk. Travis and I really enjoyed our time as a family on this day that is sad. Through the sadness we were able to remember our sweet Ainslee girl. We talked about her. We loved on her. We celebrated her. We will always celebrate her. And she will always be a part of our family. Another year has gone by and I will say more healing has definitely taken place. We will always miss her and be sad she's not here. We'll always wonder. Travis and I were talking at dinner tonight...Hadlee was already in bed and Adrian was eating with us. We were discussing how Adrian and Hadlee will be 2 grades apart. If Ainslee were here, we'd have all three children in back to back grades. That means in high school we'd have a 10th grader, an 11th grader, and a 12th grader. Life would be wonderfully chaotic. I told Travis that we're always going to miss her and the what if's and how things should be. I guess it's come to a point where we have to accept some things here and there in order to allow this loss to be a part of our lives. Every day is still so different, but we are surely using this loss for good and allowing beautiful things to come of it. We are wonderfully blessed and for that, we are truly grateful. We love you and miss you Ainslee girl!

9 month well check

Yesterday we had Hadlee's 9 month well check. I can not believe her next well check is her 1 year. I can't believe we are getting to plan her birthday party! I am super excited about her party. It's such a great celebration of the life and healing that has come from our sweet girl. Her 9 month well check went great. She is 16 pounds 14 ounces, 12th%. The doctor would like to see her gain a little more weight. Her percentile last time with weight was 22nd so she's dropped a bit. She just doesn't love to sit still long enough to eat much and I can't force food. I give her bottles, still with breastmilk and a formula bottle before bed. She only takes 4 ounces a bottle. Then I offer her breakfast, lunch, and dinner with some Mum Mum goodness in between. She sometimes loves her meals, or sometimes refuses them. I feel a little pressure to make sure she's gaining a little more, but she looks super healthy. She has gotten a lot busier with crawling and wanting to stay active. She gets preoccupied easily when she's taking her bottle if someone is in the room or something catches her eye. She is in the 58th percentile for height, and 53rd for head circumfrance which are both on the same path she has been on. I discussed taking her off the alarm part of the angel care. There are so many false alarms and on the nights when we are all sleeping sound, it can bolt us out of bed in a hurry and disrupt a peaceful sleeping baby as well. So, we've decided at 9 months to take her off the alarm part. I do still have her on a video monitor on the angel carea and have the sound constantly on to hear any noises she's making. This is going to take a little getting used to and trusting. At 9 months old, Hadlee is so so busy and active. She is crawling all over the house now. She sits up, goes from sitting to crawling, pulls up on everything, and is a smiley baby. Right now she's cutting all four top teeth and a little miserable with that. I am still a pumping queen! I can't believe I've made it this long with pumping but I feel too selfish yet to just quit when I know how great it is for her. Especially for flu season, I feel it can hopefully help with any extra antibodies. For her meals, I am going to start offering her more "people food" to see if she takes to that a little more. Hadlee loves her baths, her dog Cash, her big brother, Mum Mums, and always wants her Mommy. She does love it when her Daddy comes home from work and gets upset if he doesn't pick her up right away. When she's wanting to snuggle with Mommy, she puts her head into my neck and her left arm down my shirt. Her sister used to do the same thing. It's so sweet and brings back sweet memories. Hadlee is in size 6-9 month clothing and jammies, size 2-3 diapers. She also loves her paci's. She is not the biggest fan on diaper changes which is always so much fun, especially when she's trying a crocodile death roll. Adrian would do the same thing when he was a baby. The weather in Texas has been so pleasantly nice lately and we've enjoyed our days playing outside and letting Hadlee ride in her new wagon and Adrian's old blue car. She seems to love being outside. I have to share this little moment from tonight. I just finished putting Hadlee down to sleep and I was feeding her her bottle and rocking her in the dark. I could see her eyes just staring at me and I just stared back and for a moment, I got lost in this little girl who all of a sudden looked so incredibly much like her older sister. It took me back to the nights I would rock Ainslee and see her gazing up at me. Hadlee looked so much like her that it actually took my breath away, and I don't have too many moments like that. It was a sweet reminder of how much I love my babies, how sweet Ainslee is, how healing Hadlee is, and how wonderfully blessed we are. We're in the home stretch for a year. I can't believe we've almost made it. I am so looking forward to the next few months. I am ready to get Ainslee's 2 year angelversary behind us. I dread this day and the days and weeks leading up to it. I'm ready to celebrate Easter with Hadlee and Adrian and put on the greatest celebration for Hadlee's birthday.

Beam Me Up

Sigh...if only, just for a moment. I'd give anything to just spend another minute with my little monchichi Ainslee. To look at her sweet little monkey face, her dark brown eyes, her sweet little mouth and watch it make all the Ainslee-like motions it would. I would feel her put her hand in my shirt as she always did, cuddled into the best part of my neck. I'd feel her sweet felt like hair against my chin and it'd smell the most perfect little smell. I miss her. More than I think. Sometimes I think I'm making it, and I suppose I am. While other times, I simply miss her. Sometimes I can go to a place where I imagine what my arms would feel like with the 3 month 10 day old Ainslee in my arms. And I imagine what it would feel like to have the 2 year 3 month old Ainslee arms wrapped around my body. I can almost imagine what that would feel like. I can almost see her olive skin and the velvetty feel. I can almost smell her sweet innocent breath. I imagine me rocking her to sleep tonight with her head against my chest, her arms around me, her mouth open just enough to be breathing into my neck. Oh how I miss that sweet angel baby of mine. Some days are okay. Other days are excruciating. Lately I've heard the new Pink song called Beam Me Up. I've always felt like it may be a good song and always feel a little tug when it comes on, but never slow down enough to actually listen to it. I got a text from my sister in law Carrie the other night telling me the song reminds her of me and Ainslee. So, I listened to it. I took the time to hear what it was trying to tell me. "There's a whole 'nother conversation going on In a parallel universe. Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts. There's a waltz playing frozen in time Blades of grass on tiny bare feet I look at you and you're looking at me." Oh her tiny bare feet. What I would do to look at them, to count each and every little toe. To feel the innocense beneath her little feet, to wonder where they would one day take her. Only to have that dream crushed in time. "Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think, a minute's enough, Just beam me up." I know I would just stare, taking in every little inch of her beautiful baby face. Happy just to be there wouldn't even come close to how I would feel next to her, holding her face. I can imagine my aged hands around her perfect cheeks and her elf-like ears, feeling heaven in the palm of my hands. Feeling lighter is so perfectly portrayed when it comes to be being a fighter. Every day is a fight whether it's visible to others or not. The fight is a hard one and it's not easy. Some days may be lighter, while the hardest of days feel like you're going to lose a fight. Being a fighter is exhausting. Wanting my child back is exhausting. But I would take all the exhausting and excruciating painful moments all over again, for only a minute with her face. I miss my little monkey. Being a grief stricken mother is difficult. But I would give anything to have a break from reality, even if it were 60 seconds, to feel the joy that Ainslee brought me. If only I could. Beam me up. I love you my girl.

A Baby Changes Everything

The above title has so much meaning to me, in so many ways. Rewind 3 1/2 years ago. We were pregnant with our first born. A son. And he was born with jet black hair and the most beautifully perfect face I had ever seen. He made me a Mom and gave me new meaning in this life. I learned about loving so deeply and definitely had the "first time Mom" feel about me. I cleaned every inch of every paci any time it remotely touched the floor. I had a protective air about me which would go in over gear should I feel anyone was intruding my motherly instinct space. I did everything the best way I knew how and I did it out of love for my son. He definitely changed the dynamic of our family and I am so grateful for that. A baby changes everything. When Adrian was 7 months old, we found out we were pregnant with another baby. It would be our little girl. I was scared at first, thinking Adrian would think I didn't love him enough and didn't make enough time for him with a new baby on the way. We found out we were having a baby girl and I was ecstatic to have a boy and a girl. What a true blessing. This little girl was captivating. She was unexpected, but beautiful nonetheless. Her brown eyes were like chocolate, the sweetest little voice. And she'd curl up in the nape of my neck which could soothe her on even the roughest of colicky days. Ainslee and I attended our first mother/daughter Christmas program and I remember that day vividly. We were in the 5-6th row and I had her in her carseat, all bundled up. She began to fuss and I took her out, held her close, in the nape of my neck. I cried. I felt a little overwhelmed in the moment. I knew this baby was everything to our family. I knew that she came to change us, just didn't know how. As I held her, I heard the most beautiful voice singing a song so dear to me now. "She has to leave, go far way. Heaven knows, she can't stay. A Baby changes Everything." And I cried. And I cried. I cried at the change this baby brought to our family. Feeling so blessed to have Adrian and Ainslee. Feeling sad and guilty that I wasn't able to give more of my undivided attention to Adrian individually, and the same to Ainslee. I also cried at trying to imagine what it must be like to be told you are expecting God's son. Jesus. He would come and be the Messiah. What a scary thing to be told. So much uncertainty. To have Him in a stable, no room for them. The grace that Mary must have. The grace that Joseph must have. The change this baby would bring to you and to me. Going through the loss of Ainslee was tragic beyond words. It continues to be a grief battle. But through that battle and loss of hope...a baby was born. Our sweet Hadlee Hope. I remember when they put Hadlee on my chest when she was born, she looked up all around to see what was going on. That is so Hadlee. She is still just as nosy as the day she was born. I am so grateful for her. I remember when I had her I was so confused by the whole process of everything we had been through. It can still seem surreal at times to think of all the events of having Ainslee, losing her, and having Hadlee...all so close together. It was definitely not my plan. Trusting in plans that are not of my own are difficult for me. I see myself falling into fear more often than not and quite frankly, get tired of it. I get tired of feeling paralyzed by fear, wondering what may possibly happen next. Will I be this poor woman who loses her husband, and all children? I sure hope not. But now that I am no stranger to grief and loss, I can't help but feel that I may lose everything. Natural? Sure. Exhausting? Absolutely. I find myself lately being absolutely head over heels in love with these two living children of mine. I've never felt so in love with them. I am addicted to them to a fault. They consume my mind, my heart, every fiber I have. And tonight, I am truly grateful for all the babies who have changed my life. And everything that has come along with that. A Baby changes Everything. It truly does.

Church blog-Thanks Be To God

A few weeks ago I was blessed with the opportunity to blog for our church. I am so excited about this opportunity to share my faith with others. Here is my first post below... “I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.” (President Abraham Lincoln, Proclamation, October 3, 1863) Thanksgiving. A time for crisper weather, changing of leaves, a roasted Turkey, gravy, cranberry sauce, and football! I’m sure any human would automatically revert to this thinking when hearing the word “Thanksgiving.” That, and pilgrims. Abraham Lincoln wanted to ensure despite American’s differences, we were giving thanks to the source from whom all blessings flow. Growing up, I have a ton of wonderful Thanksgiving memories of my grandmother and grandfather’s home, her cooking like a mad woman, hiding the rum in her coke somewhere in a corner, all of us grandkids with our fingers constantly in the relish tray, and all the men miserably full from the amazing food she would prepare. Sure, these are all fabulous memories to me. But one memory that has to be my most favorite Thanksgiving memory is my Thanksgiving with my 2nd born, Ainslee. There was a turkey, there was gravy, there was a relish tray. There was my baby. She was perfect in every way at only a month old. She of course slept wonderfully up until it was time for me to enjoy my Thanksgiving meal. Then she wanted her Thanksgiving meal. I took her upstairs to nurse her and remember how incredibly blessed I felt to have this beautiful dark haired baby to spend Thanksgiving with. Another wonderful blessing to be truly thankful for. That would be our only Thanksgiving together but it would lead me to a place I never thought possible to reach. Her love and short life lead me to Him, our Creator. Sure I always had a faith filled life and considered myself to be a Christian. But she would lead me to His love and ultimately experience the satisfaction of what Thanksgiving meant. “Do this in memory of Me.” Jesus Christ offers Himself under the form of bread and wine. He surrenders Himself unto us for our nourishment, for our salvation, for the cleansing of our humanly bodies, to save us. By receiving Him, we accept rejuvenation for ourselves and divine vitality which can only come from His Thanksgiving. So naturally the sacrificial banquet of remembrance is called the Eucharist, or “thanksgiving.” “Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.” Thanking Him during this time and for our salvation and giving all praise to Him is what has always been intended during this time of thanks. He gave His whole, entire self to us-body, blood, soul and divinity. Thanksgiving isn’t separated from sacrifice and the Mass itself is a celebration of God’s undying love through His very own sacrifice. This is how we truly accept Christ and live a Christian life, by allowing Him to be our nourishment, our Thanksgiving. True thanksgiving means self-giving. This is the meaning of the Eucharist. I can think of no American holiday that so closely resembles the symbolism and meaning of the sacrament of the Eucharist. We celebrate Thanksgiving as a sign of American unity and thanksgiving to God who has given us great gifts. Today I am thankful for my family, my job and my home. I’m thankful for the salvation of Jesus Christ and the hope of Heaven. I am thankful for His sacrifice. I thank Him every day for that dark haired baby girl. That she lead me to where I need to be spiritually. I am so incredibly thankful to have spent a Thanksgiving with her and for the chance to be shown and taught about true Thanksgiving. I’m thankful God trusted me to be her mother, knowing what her 3 months on this earth would do for this broken Christian. Today I am thankful for the Eucharist. I am thankful for Thanksgiving.

Family Pictures and a Hadlee update!

So...a little Hadlee update! I have some good news. I have been able to get Hadlee OUT of her swaddle...FINALLY! At 6+ months, she is out of her swaddle and sleeping in her sleep sacks over her sleeper. Oh that in itself makes me happy. That's the first good news. The 2nd good news is we moved her over to her room! On Ainslee's birthday, we moved Hadlee to the girl's room because sleep was just not happening in this house and it was exhausting. I wasn't ready to move her, but we had to try anything. And....the 3rd good news-It worked!!!!!!!!! Hadlee is sleeping so much better in her bed. Last night was her best night yet. She went to sleep just fine, got up at 2:30 in the morning, and then back to bed until 6 this morning. I am one happy Momma. I think she had to get out of our room and sleeping next to me. She could sniff me out as soon as I'd come in the room to get in bed. I am sleeping in the guest room now because it's closer to her room and makes me feel safer until I get used to her sleeping. Even though she's sleeping better, I am still checking her monitor every 30 minutes to an hour. The other night we did have a little scare with her monitor. I haven't had any false alarms on her angel care until the other night. I was having a hard time falling asleep and finally started to doze...then it happened, the alarm went off. I flew out of bed, covers flying, my legs were like jello as I was trying to figure out how to use them to get running. It was an awful kind of panic. I got down the hall, into her room, scooped her up and couldn't even look at her to see if I was going to be looking at a breathing baby, or a lifeless one. I took her to my husband and could feel her breathing so knew she was fine. I told him what happened and I was taking her to bed with me to just feel her breath for a bit. I laid with her for an hour just holding her and then she was ready to eat. So so scary. The next day, we had her 6 month pictures and our family pictures before Christmas card time. I love our sneak peak and how they turned out. I am feeling incredibly blessed to have 2 beautiful living children, a wonderful supportive and handsome husband, and the hope of heaven to be reunited with our entire family. Hope you enjoy some of my favorite pics!

Birthday Blessings

Ainslee's birthday has come and gone. Again. She turned 2! I can't even believe it still. We have had such a busy last week and a half...well actually all of October is always busy for us. So, blogging comes last unfortunately even if I wish I could do it more often. We participated in our annual Holton's Drive for SIDS event again this year which was on October 27th, my due date with Ainslee. Last year was my first event to attend and I had recently found out I was pregnant with Hadlee. I was only about 8 weeks along and wasn't telling a soul. I was scared last year of where we'd be this year. But as this year approached, I began to see how beautiful life is. I don't always understand it, but it's beautiful nonetheless....if you allow yourself to see the beauty. I was so incredibly grateful to have added another baby girl. And it was great to show up to the event with our Hadlee in tow. No one knew last year I was pregnant, so to show up this year with a 6 month old was fabulous! We made great memories and raised money to help find answers to the mystery of SIDS. That Sunday, October 28th, we had Ainslee's birthday party at the cemetery. We invited some friends and family and our Deacon at church. It was a beautiful day, sunny with a cool breeze, just perfect. We started with words from the Bible and blessing of her headstone. We then sang Happy Birthday, released balloons with our birthday wishes on them, and then had cupcakes. I got Rainbow Roses for Hadlee to give to her big sister and I think it's a tradition I'll start every year. It was truly a wonderful way to remember the day we had Ainslee. On Ainslee's birthday, October 29th, we didn't want to plan anything because we didn't know how we'd feel. We woke up, and I immediately cried. I longed for my 2 year old. I missed the last year and 9 months of watching her grow, hearing her sweet voice, feeling her face and hands on my face. I just missed her and grief took over again. Luckily, I have 2 pretty sweet living kiddos to really help me out. They can help restore such happiness in this broken Momma. I am really thankful for that. We ended up hanging out at home and then visiting her at the cemetery as a family. Later, Travis' parents picked up some food and came over. We just hung out as a family and it was low key, but just what we needed. The entire day, I thought about the day I had Ainslee. How beautiful she was with jet black hair, sparkly brown eyes, and beautiful olive toned skin. She was like a sack of potatoes, so healthy, so consuming, so perfect. I remember feeling a different feeling becoming the mother to a little baby girl. I remember holding her in recovery and just staring at her thinking, she is mine. The day of her birth was a happy one. For Ainslee's birthday, I did 2 things. I heard a story of a 4th grade class that is wanting to take a class trip to Austin to the capitol. Most of these children don't financially have the ability to support a trip like this. So, I decided to "adopt" a child to pay for their trip. I got a very sweet thank you card in the mail, mentioning Ainslee and how happy the little girl was that we got another daughter. Her teacher, one of my roommates in college, must have told her about our story and the compassion that this little girl had was beyond sweet. The 2nd thing I did was to purchase a birthday gift for a girl who was turning 15 that is in a foster home type setting but doesn't receive much for her birthday. Giving to two other girls during Ainslee's birthday was fulfilling. We are now in the time period of when we had Ainslee alive. I relive those events. We had her at Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, her baptism, and followed by her death. The countdown to February begins. My hope is in Heaven and the reality that we will be together again....one sweet day. Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet Ainslee girl. Your brother talks about you every day. He says how much he misses you and Jesus. :) He thinks Jesus is one of our babies too. :) Oh your brother cracks me up. I love you Ainslee!

6 month well check

Yesterday we had Hadlee's 6 month well check and I was so excited to go to this appointment. There were a few underlying issues I was itching to discuss, along with the mere fact that 6 months is a great point for us. We got there and they weighed her. 15 pounds 9 ounces. That puts her in the 43rd percentile for weight. Her height puts her in the 71st percentile and her head is in the 67th percentile. All her measurements have been consistently in the same range so that's great for her growth. At 6 months Hadlee is doing so much! She is rolling both ways consistently. She has also started to get on all fours and rock back and forth. She can sit up with assistance and by herself for just a little bit, but not too long. She's still working on that. I talked to her pediatrician about her sleeping, or lack there of, and he wants her on 3 meals a day since she is still just breastfed. I told him I'm still just pumping away and that she still only takes about 3 1/2 ounces at a feeding, eating every 3 hours from a bottle during the day. She still will sometimes eat 2 times during the night, and remain up and down in between feedings. I'm sure you can imagine the exhaustion. So, now I'm trying to work with her on getting her on a good schedule eating wise during the day. My new schedule I'm following is: 8:30 am Breakfast (fruit) followed by a 3 1/2 ounce bottle. At noon, she will eat a veggie and a fruit followed by a bottle. Then at 4-4:30 pm she will have another bottle. 6:00 pm she will eat dinner (veggie), and follow up with a bath and then bottle for bedtime. That should be a pretty good schedule for her at this point and should get her nice and full. We discussed her excema and he wants me to start using Cerave products on her. At bathtime, cleansing her with the cleansing soap (very mild), then get her lotioned up with the hydrating lotion and put the hydrating cream on her "problem" areas. Her main areas of concern at this point are her creases in her right arm and her creases in her right leg. She also has some mild spots on her left leg and has a pretty rotten area on her chest. The area on her chest he feels is more of an allergic reaction to some type of metal on her clothing. She can touch certain clothing and flare up with a bright red spot. She's just a sensitive girl. I'm hoping the Cerave products work, if not we'll be going to a pediatric derm to discuss other options. At 6 months Hadlee is in size 2 diapers and moving into 6-9 month clothes. 3-6 month clothes are really too small. She is a very smiley baby and is generally happy most of the time. The only exhausting part is the fact that she doesn't sleep much. But, I'm hoping that if we can help to treat the excema and get her full on meals throughout the day, she'll start sleeping better. She is still sleeping in our room in a pack and play and she is still swaddled. I can't seem to get her out of it. I've tried the one arm swaddle and it just still doesn't really work. Once she's able to grab her pacis and put them in her mouth, I'm hoping it'll get better because then she can reach for pacis and I'll put like 12 in her bed! :) We spend a lot of time in Ainslee and Hadlee's room playing but for some reason, I still just feel like it's Ainslee's room. I tried to add a couple things to the walls to cater to Hadlee but for some reason, I just still feel like it's Ainslee's room. I did so much preparation for Ainslee when she was coming with picking out bedding, getting her furniture, painting the walls, adding the mural and so I prepared it all for her. When we got pregnant with Hadlee and knew it was a girl, I thought I'd just use the same stuff...but now it just doesn't feel like her room. I'm not sure what to do about it but I'd like to do some sort of change to the room to make it more like Hadlee's room somehow. I guess I still need to sit on it and think what will help me feel like it's more Hadlee's now. I like the idea that we have the girls "share" a room, but ultimately I need to also feel comfortable with the fact that it's Hadlee's room. Because at this point, I can't see myself moving her over to her room. Our next well check will be in January, Hadlee's 9 month. They are going to do a panel of allergy testing on her to see if she's got allergies since she's got a lot of allergy signs. I'm really anticipating seeing what it shows. I just tucked the little stink pot in bed, rocked her until she was asleep, and figured I'll be in there within 45 minutes to do it all over again. :) She's so worth it though.

A Wonderful Weekend

This past weekend was a great weekend. It was filled with love, laughter, memories, family, friends and fun. Saturday was Travis' 32nd birthday! 32 my friends. 32 was rough on Trav and he started the day out with a 2 hours nap at 9 am. :) Hadlee actually took a two hour nap and gave her Daddy a birthday present of a little nap. Adrian and I picked up donuts for the birthday boy and we all headed out to our nephew's soccer game. After the soccer game, which was blazing hot, we visited our sweet Ainslee girl. We then went home, got ready for Oktoberfest at our church, and headed out for a family fun night. We were celebrating Trav's birthday at our church's first annual Oktoberfest and it was so much fun. It was the best event I've ever been to at our church. Maybe it was the fellowship, along with Travis' birthday and the company we had that night. But, it was a very memorable night. Right before Oktoberfest, we went to Mass and during Mass they played "On Eagle's Wings" which is one of my favorites. We played it at Ainslee's funeral, so I knew it was her way of saying she's with us. At Oktoberfest, I did the Cupid Shuffle with Hadlee, a little polka dancing with Trav, and all kinds of fun dances with Adrian. They announced Trav's birthday and we all sang Happy Birthday to him, followed by a yummy cake made my sister in law. We also met up with a couple old friends of mine from college. I cheered at OU and one of the baseball guys that I was friends with goes to church now at our church. He recently got married to the girl he dated in college and it has been wonderful to reconnect with them. It's hard to find couples that both you and your husband get along with, so it's nice when you do find those couples. It was great reminiscing all night and catching up. Sunday was spent with a couple that set Travis and I up 7 years ago. They are very close friends of ours and recently had their 2nd born, a daughter. They came over, we had Wing Stop and watched the Cowboys. After we took our kiddos out to the pumpkin patch where we picked out pumpkins for Adrian, Ainslee and Hadlee. Adrian picked out a big orange one for himself. He picked out a beautiful fairytale pumpkin for Ainslee, and he picked out a whitesh green one for Hadlee. We've got some Mums out and our pumpkins and it's looking like fall outside our home. We wrapped up our night last night spending time in Ainslee and Hadlee's room. Adrian got a blanket of Ainslee's and said how nice it felt and he wanted to sleep with it. I told him he had to ask Ainslee. So, he looked up to the sky and asked her if he could sleep with it. He then looked at me and said, "her said yes." I was certain he wasn't going to say she said no. :) We kept hanging out in there and he was laying on his back and I could hear him still talking to Ainslee as Travis and I carried on a conversation. I heard him say, "Ainslee, Mommy go to her meeting and her cry. Her miss you." Oh it broke my heart. That was about the time he started crying and saying he misses Ainslee, when he saw me cry at my "meeting." I hate that he sees me hurt, but I can't always hide it from him. And I think it's good for him to see that people grieve and are sad and it's okay to cry. But, also that despite sad times, we are still blessed and a happy family. It's a life lesson for sure. Today we talked a little bit more about Ainslee and he said, "I know Mommy you sad Ainslee in Heaven. Her not come out of Heaven. But guess what? You have a new baby. Guess who? Hattie!!!" He's even trying to heal my heart and comfort me by saying the sweetest thing he knows how. I'm very thankful for a kind hearted son. Today I had Hattie's 6 month well check and that is a whole 'nother blog post...maybe tomorrow if time allows for it. Oh...and guess who's going to Carrie Underwood Wednesday in a suite!? This girl! So excited! She's my girl crush. I'll tell you something. Tonight I am feeling very blessed and very happy. Our family is perfectly planned by God. I'd much rather Ainslee be here to tuck in bed tonight, to kiss and to snuggle with. But, I sure am still glad to be called her mother and be a mother of 3 beautiful loving children.

Questions?

So, I've fallen behind on my capture your grief project. I just don't have the time to keep up with it with my busy schedule. I know a lot of bloggers always open it up to the public for questions to be asked and provide an answer session. I've had various questions along the way and figured it's a good time to open it up for questions. Feel free to ask questions. I will get them answered this weekend.

Happy 6 months Hattie Girl!

Hattie is 6 months! What a milestone in our book! I can't believe we are at the 6 month mark. And yet so incredibly excited to be at this point. On Hattie's 6 month birthday, we all headed down to San Antonio to visit Pappy for the first time since Hadlee's been born. Pappy was turning 89 on the 13th of October and we wanted to take the kids to Seaworld. It turned out to be an exhaustingly wonderful weekend. For Pappy's birthday, we got 2 cakes. One for Pappy's 89th, and one for Hattie's half birthday. It was perfect. We did a balloon release to send heavenly birthday wishes to Ainslee and my cousin Derek. My Aunt Nonnie, Derek's mom, was there too which was wonderful to see her and wrap my arms around her. My mom, brother, our family, my cousins, aunts and uncle all headed out to a Vietnamese dinner, followed by singing and birthday cake. The next day was Seaworld! Again...exhaustingly wonderful. I loved taking Adrian to such a special place. It's one of my favorites. And I was thankful to have taken Hadlee to another place she'd never been. It was great to be there as a family making new wonderful memories. Our Hadlee is such a little character. She is such a smiley baby. She loves to be held and she loves to laugh. Our little girl still isn't much of a sleeper. Only 3 30-45 minute naps a day, followed by an up and down night. I'm not sure what's bugging her to wake so much throughout the night, but it is so exhausting. We still have her in our room and yes we follow the same bed time routine EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I am wired to have structure and stability, and my kids receive that in return. I'm no military boot camp, but I do try to provide scenarios in which our kids know what to expect. I tried rice cereal for about a week, but stopped it because Hadlee isn't very regular when it comes to going number 2 and I don't want to complicate things more. I've brought that up to the pediatrician and he says she must be absorbing all of my breast milk. She only goes every 4-5 days. Yes, I'm still pumping. I've tried to get her to latch on again the last couple weeks but she wants nothing to do with nursing itself, just loves her bottle. So, I am still pumping throughout the day and into the night. I don't have any milk stored up anymore at this point so I'm running low on the amount of milk. I am able to make just enough for her. But, if it comes to a point where she may want an extra ounce or two and I'm not expecting it, then I won't have any more breast milk for her. I am however extremely proud of myself for ensuring she's only had breast milk for her first 6 months. I think that is a huge accomplishment. Something I was really trying to achieve. At 6 months, Hadlee is a moving machine. She is rolling over both ways consistently and even getting on all fours. She will start to rock back and forth on all fours and then plop down on her tummy. I have started some foods with her and she's loving her peas and now squash. I'm taking foods slow. Tonight at dinner, she had 2 helpings of squash, then got ready for bed, and had a 3 1/2 ounce bottle. She is working on sitting up and has started to get her first tooth. Hadlee's eczema is pretty bad. I don't even know what to do to help her. I've tried aquaphor right after baths, oatmeal lotion, and nothing seems to help. I see her little skin getting broken down and wish I had a magical potion to help her and help her skin look better. Adrian and Hadlee are our world. And Hadlee thinks the absolute world of Adrian. We may be exhausted, I may be worried about her eczema, but all in all, we are blessed. We are making new happy memories and feeling so blessed to have another daughter to share them with. All the while, remembering our sweet Ainslee. Happy half birthday my Hadlee Hope. You are so loved.

Day 4: Treasured Item Day 5: Memorial

One of my most treasured items through loss, aside from time, was a sleeper that Ainslee last slept in. When she passed away, I had this sleeper which was unwashed. It still had her spit up on it, her smell. The smell of my breast milk made especially for her. It was a simple brown fleece sleeper with little flowers on it. When she passed away, I clung to that sleeper. It had her smell on it and I could pretend she was still her. I started sleeping with it the day she passed away and slept with it every day. I would make sure not to roll over on it at night. If it accidentally fell on the floor at night, I would cry and feel like I dropped her. When I'd make my bed, I'd put it laid out on my pillow so I could grab it anytime I needed to. When I was preparing for Hadlee's arrival, I knew I couldn't be sleeping with her sleeper anymore. Mentally, it was difficult with the sleeper because a part of me felt like it was really her. A few weeks before Hadlee's arrival I started to move it onto a chair in our room and then the week before, I put it in Ainslee's trunk at the foot of our bed. Up and away. I had to wean myself from the sleeper and to be honest, I sometimes still want it out. But, for now, it's best put up. Day 5...Memorial. I was just flipping through the pictures from the day of her funeral. I'm glad to have them to reflect back on what was going on that day because it's hard to remember. But, I also hate looking at my daughter in the tiniest casket I've ever seen. They shouldn't make caskets that small. I don't want to share the pictures of her in her casket because they are very private, but I will share her grave site when she was just buried and the way my sister in law and I decorated it for Ainslee. I'm having a rough night tonight. I could tell a change in my mood upon gathering things for our walk to remember tomorrow. Hadlee woke up and I ran into the room to rock her. I held her and cried, imagining having a 2 year old needing me to put her to bed as well. I can imagine what she'd look like. Dark brown hair, wispy to her shoulders, beautiful brown eyes staring at me, and arms wrapped around me ready for books and bedtime prayers. Oh how I hate the grief. I miss Ainslee terribly.

Capture your Grief 2012

October has come and once again sadness is in part of my heart. Of course I have happiness with my husband and children, but there will always be a sadness and an ache for Ainslee, especially every October. If you remember, October is filled with many events that would be even more special if Ainslee were here. So since she's not here, the ache has returned. October 6th is our annual Walk to Remember. October 9th is my birthday, October 13th is Pappy's birthday, October 20th is Travis' birthday, along with our sweet daughter's 2nd birthday, October 29th. And then there's Halloween, Ainslee's first holiday with us. I've seen an event titled Capture your Grief and have seen what some are doing for this to help move their grief along and embrace it. This is the CarlyMarie Project in honor of Pregnancy and Infant loss awarness month, which is October. As much as I love the support for Breast Cancer awareness, I too wish that all the babies gone too soon got just as much recognition. There's no cure for SIDS and the only sign is death. This Capture your Grief project started October 1st. Each day you are to take a picture or use a picture that reminds you of the topic for that day. There are 31 topics for 31 days. I am obviously 3 days now behind. The first day was sunset. I'm choosing to forego the sunset day because I don't really have any attachment to sunsets. The 2nd day is Before Loss Self Portrait. I will end this post with my before loss self portrait, and follow it with day 3: After Loss Self Portrait. Tonight we had a Transitus at church, also a memorial for our loved ones. We bring a picture of our loved one up to church, place it on a table for all to pray for during the next month. We each say our loved ones name and this year, I had to sadly add my cousin's name. Derek Crook. He was my oldest cousin, at a young age of 33. He passed away the day before his 34th birthday this year. August 21st, 2012. His family is hurting, his mother is aching for her son. And I sadly understand. I get to see my Aunt, his mother, in a week and a half and I can't wait to wrap my arms around her. This month we are also participating in a golf tournament benefitting SIDS. I feel like this month of October has turned into one giant memorial that I'll never escape. I'm hoping to eventually look at it as a wonderful time to do many things to honor Ainslee instead of focusing on the sadness of each event. We are only into our 2nd year of loss so I know it'll take time. My biggest hurdle right now is trying to get through Ainslee's 2nd birthday. The thought of her being 2 is unbearable. I remember Adrian's 2nd birthday and how much we adore his age and to know we won't get that for our little girl Ainslee. That hurts. Here's my days #2 and #3: Before and After loss. I can definitely see a difference in my face, in my eyes, in my heart. I will never be the same girl again...good, bad, or indifferent.

3 babies and a funeral ago

I think about the person I was...3 babies and a funeral ago. That Channan was different than the Channan I know now. When Travis and I got married we were adjusting to marriage and living together. We knew we wanted to start a family early, but were also enjoying each other and the freedom associated with just being married. I felt more carefree, could make decisions easier, would go more places without a worry. When Adrian came along, I was so happy to be a mother. I was thankful that he was sent to make me a mother but I didn't realize what this new found role of mine would consist of. I remember due to Adrian's bad reflux as a baby, it was difficult. But, I felt confident in my mothering with him and confident in my relationship with him. I was apprehensive to take him to an at home daycare, but felt at ease after we got into a routine. I started to realize what it meant to have "your heart walking around outside of your body." When I got pregnant with Ainslee, Adrian was just 7 months old. That's when my guilt really started. I felt that I was going to be battling between loving one child more than the other, spending more time with one child vs. the other. When Ainslee came, it took about a 3-4 week adjustment for me to get comfortable in this new role as a mother of 2. I was so concerned it was going to change my relationship with Adrian and was trying to avoid that at all cost. I started picking up Adrian shortly after my c-section for fear he would hold a grudge against me if I denied picking him up. We did adjust to being a family of four and all seemed right in the world. Days were difficult at times trying to teach Ainslee to nap, or if she was fussy and Adrian needed attention, that could be trying. But, looking back, I was so grateful to have our family of four and my new role as a mother of 2. When we lost Ainslee, I gained my title of bereaved mother. I was still a mother to two children, only now I had to figure out how to care for the one in Heaven. It seems that my roles and hats I wear are always changing, but being a bereaved mother is something that sadly sticks. I can't ever give that title back although I'd gladly do it. Trying to figure out how to fit loss, grief, anxieties, worries into our family has been difficult. It has brought on a whole new responsibility, just as all roles do. Having Hadlee was another adjustment. I had to adjust to my new role of being a mother to 3, one in Heaven. I had to adjust to seeing family pictures of the four of us, knowing there should be 5. I've had to see Big Sis/Lil Sis shirts and have such an ache to want my girls side by side in these. I've had to fight back tears to put on a brave face for my 2 living children. I find myself sighing a lot, thinking of what should or could have been. Hadlee was so needed in this family, and I am so greatful to have had another baby girl. But, I'm figuring out that it doesn't matter how many more kids we have and what the gender is, there will always be a little girl missing. The hopes and dreams of Ainslee were destroyed and ripped from our family. Today's role I carry of being a wife and a mother to 3 has changed me. I reflect on the events of the last 3 years and all it's done to change me. I've slowly started molding into this girl I don't recognize. The fear, the anxiety, the worry, the control, the anger, the depression, the grief, the sadness, all to consume me on a daily basis. I try my best to function and to be the girl I once was, but I'm not sure I'll ever be the same as I was...3 babies and a funeral ago.

Another Milestone...4 Month Well Check

We have reached another milestone on this exhuasting journey of milestones. Throughout our loss with Ainslee I've met many families, all which have lost babies to SIDS at various ages. I have all their ages memorized to the day of when they passed, and I have exhaustingly been counting down in my head to each one as Hadlee reaches those ages. When she passes each milestone, I breath a little better. It's one step closer to keeping her longer. I'm winding down to my last two SIDS dates. One is 3 days before she is 5 months old, and the other is the day she is 5 months old. And then of course the day she is 6 months will be huge. I do know a few people who have lost babies at 7 and 8 months...but I'm just focusing to get to 6 months for now. Today we had Hadlee's 4 month well check. This was a big milestone for me because I never made it to Ainslee's 4 month well check. When I left Hadlee's last well check, I couldn't help but wonder if it'd be our last well check. Not only did we reach this milestone, but it was a goal of mine to be able to go into that well check and say that my baby was still breastfeeding. And, we were able to reach that mileston as well. I am so proud of the both of us for working wiht the kinks and keeping the main goal insight of ensuring she gets breast milk. Today Hadlee weighed 14 pounds exactly which puts her in the 53rd percentile for weight. Height was 25 1/4 inches which put her in the 73rd percentile for height. She's doing all the things they look for, rolling over, great head control, plays with hands, grasps at objects, smiles, laughs and gurgles. Our pediatrician said he felt she was neurologically beyond her age which made me feel good. He talked about introducing rice cereal and this is a topic that I have been hung up on. I can't decide whether to do it or not. I did it with Adrian, and probably would have with Ainslee. But, after we lost Ainslee, I have found myself questioning a lot more which alters my parenting too. I'm not sure I really feel rice cereal is necessary, can't quite see the nutritional benefits it provides. I know it has iron in it but feel that at 4 1/2 months she's getting what she needs from breast milk. Today Hadlee's been pretty fussy but we've been patient with it. We were able to get her moved over into the bassinet, almost in time for her to outgrow it. But, it's working for the time being which I am glad. I feel she is safer in there. She is waking up frequently at night and only goes a maximum of 4 hours in between feedings. That 4 hours usually only happens right when she goes to sleep and then when she gets up for her first feeding around 1 AM, then she goes back to sleep until 4, and then until 6:30 AM. It gets to be pretty exhausting and with being up frequently, having to work full time, and still carrying grief daily, it makes for a pretty tiresome Mommy. I'm not complaining, this is all a good tired....but tired nonetheless. All in all, we're thankful every day for our family and really looking forward to all Hadlee will be attempting in the next couples months. Hopefully we'll be watching her sit up and start to really come into her own. Something that has been such a joy to see is watching Adrian with her. I felt so guilty when Ainslee passed away that I wasn't able to give Adrian the love of a sibling that he deserved. Hadlee has become smitten with her older brother. He makes her laugh so hard and it is the sweetest sound to hear. I love nothing more than seeing the love between them two at this age. I can't wait until she starts crawling and can follow him around everywhere. They are going to be quite the pair.

Hattie is 4 months!

Our sweet Hadlee Hope is now 4 months old. What a big milestone! We've made it to a new month with her. I remember when Adrian was 4 months, going to his 4 month well check and the pediatrician telling me that the 4th month is the biggest SIDS month. So, I am paying close attention to her as always, and thanking God for every new day He brings us. I am so ready to get to 6 months when SIDS will decrease a bit. This chunky monkey 4 month old baby is so funny! She started rolling over on July 27th from her back to her stomach. I was so incredibly impressed. She's by far my earliest with everything at this point. She brings her legs up to her face, gets over on her side, and then flips really quick to her tummy. And now, we can't keep her on her back for more than a couple seconds. We've been treating cradle cap, eczema, and a neck yeast infection that is so persistent. I can't seem to get it to go away. I've taken her to our chiro for various things and he was treating her yeast infection. It would help for a couple days but then come back with a vengence. One day last week, Hadlee hadn't gone #2 for 5 days and as a Mom, I always like to see a good healthy BM. Makes me feel like they're getting their systems good and cleaned out. Well, I called the chiro to see if they could help me. He told me to bring her in and they'd adjust her tailbone. So, I did. He said I should see something in her diaper in a couple of hours. I didn't know whether to believe this or not....but sure enough, within 30 minutes, I had quite the diaper to clean up. I was impressed. Hadlee is still in size 1 diapers, size 3-6 month clothes, and still loves her nap nanny. I can't seem to get her out of it, or out of her swaddle. I'm not sure how we're ever going to get her out of a swaddle and into her bassinet or crib (in our room). Sleeping wise, she sometimes has great nights, and then can have really awful nights. Last night was an awful night. On a good night, she may eat at 8:30 or 9, go to bed by 10 and get up at 5, go back to bed until 8. That's a great night for us. A bad night....those are pretty exhuasting. She will eat at 8:30, won't be able to be laid down until 11:30, may wake back up upon laying down, up to eat at 1, then restless in between nighttime feedings to where I have to constantly shhh her, pat her, rock her. Those nights are difficult..and the next day is even harder. :) I nurse Hadlee once a day b/c our chiro says that's how your body knows what antibodies to produce for your baby's needs. The saliva in the baby tells your milk supply what to produce. She is not a fan of actual nursing so even if I just latch her on for a bit, that's all it takes. I have still been pumping and feeding her bottles, and putting a probiotic in her bottle to help with good bacteria, hopefully will help with the yeast as well. I can officially say she is my longest breastfeeder! I love that! Adrian was 2 1/2 months, Ainslee was 3 months and 10 days, and Hadlee is still on BM. She takes about 3-4 ounces every feeding and eats every 3 hours. We're still trying to figure out naps too during the day. She has taken an hour to two hour nap occasionally, but on average naps about 45 minutes each time. I'll be glad to see the day when sleeping gets a little better around here. Hadlee has really found her voice and has started this new screeching squeeling sound. I think she just wants everyone to know she's here. She's started to laugh more and drools a ton! I know some pediatricians start 4 month olds on rice cereal and fruits/veggies, but I'm still weighing what to do with regards to food. I'm not sure she really is ready for food, especially rice cereal since it can be so binding on their tummies. I'll talk to our ped at her 4 month well check which is 2 weeks away. Other than that, we're all still trying to get into a routine with me back to work (working from home), and all the beautiful chaos that accompanies having a 3 year old and a 4 month old. I still need to get Adrian's birthday party and his 3 year old post up but have so much to say...need to find the right time.