3 babies and a funeral ago

I think about the person I was...3 babies and a funeral ago. That Channan was different than the Channan I know now. When Travis and I got married we were adjusting to marriage and living together. We knew we wanted to start a family early, but were also enjoying each other and the freedom associated with just being married. I felt more carefree, could make decisions easier, would go more places without a worry. When Adrian came along, I was so happy to be a mother. I was thankful that he was sent to make me a mother but I didn't realize what this new found role of mine would consist of. I remember due to Adrian's bad reflux as a baby, it was difficult. But, I felt confident in my mothering with him and confident in my relationship with him. I was apprehensive to take him to an at home daycare, but felt at ease after we got into a routine. I started to realize what it meant to have "your heart walking around outside of your body." When I got pregnant with Ainslee, Adrian was just 7 months old. That's when my guilt really started. I felt that I was going to be battling between loving one child more than the other, spending more time with one child vs. the other. When Ainslee came, it took about a 3-4 week adjustment for me to get comfortable in this new role as a mother of 2. I was so concerned it was going to change my relationship with Adrian and was trying to avoid that at all cost. I started picking up Adrian shortly after my c-section for fear he would hold a grudge against me if I denied picking him up. We did adjust to being a family of four and all seemed right in the world. Days were difficult at times trying to teach Ainslee to nap, or if she was fussy and Adrian needed attention, that could be trying. But, looking back, I was so grateful to have our family of four and my new role as a mother of 2. When we lost Ainslee, I gained my title of bereaved mother. I was still a mother to two children, only now I had to figure out how to care for the one in Heaven. It seems that my roles and hats I wear are always changing, but being a bereaved mother is something that sadly sticks. I can't ever give that title back although I'd gladly do it. Trying to figure out how to fit loss, grief, anxieties, worries into our family has been difficult. It has brought on a whole new responsibility, just as all roles do. Having Hadlee was another adjustment. I had to adjust to my new role of being a mother to 3, one in Heaven. I had to adjust to seeing family pictures of the four of us, knowing there should be 5. I've had to see Big Sis/Lil Sis shirts and have such an ache to want my girls side by side in these. I've had to fight back tears to put on a brave face for my 2 living children. I find myself sighing a lot, thinking of what should or could have been. Hadlee was so needed in this family, and I am so greatful to have had another baby girl. But, I'm figuring out that it doesn't matter how many more kids we have and what the gender is, there will always be a little girl missing. The hopes and dreams of Ainslee were destroyed and ripped from our family. Today's role I carry of being a wife and a mother to 3 has changed me. I reflect on the events of the last 3 years and all it's done to change me. I've slowly started molding into this girl I don't recognize. The fear, the anxiety, the worry, the control, the anger, the depression, the grief, the sadness, all to consume me on a daily basis. I try my best to function and to be the girl I once was, but I'm not sure I'll ever be the same as I was...3 babies and a funeral ago.

Another Milestone...4 Month Well Check

We have reached another milestone on this exhuasting journey of milestones. Throughout our loss with Ainslee I've met many families, all which have lost babies to SIDS at various ages. I have all their ages memorized to the day of when they passed, and I have exhaustingly been counting down in my head to each one as Hadlee reaches those ages. When she passes each milestone, I breath a little better. It's one step closer to keeping her longer. I'm winding down to my last two SIDS dates. One is 3 days before she is 5 months old, and the other is the day she is 5 months old. And then of course the day she is 6 months will be huge. I do know a few people who have lost babies at 7 and 8 months...but I'm just focusing to get to 6 months for now. Today we had Hadlee's 4 month well check. This was a big milestone for me because I never made it to Ainslee's 4 month well check. When I left Hadlee's last well check, I couldn't help but wonder if it'd be our last well check. Not only did we reach this milestone, but it was a goal of mine to be able to go into that well check and say that my baby was still breastfeeding. And, we were able to reach that mileston as well. I am so proud of the both of us for working wiht the kinks and keeping the main goal insight of ensuring she gets breast milk. Today Hadlee weighed 14 pounds exactly which puts her in the 53rd percentile for weight. Height was 25 1/4 inches which put her in the 73rd percentile for height. She's doing all the things they look for, rolling over, great head control, plays with hands, grasps at objects, smiles, laughs and gurgles. Our pediatrician said he felt she was neurologically beyond her age which made me feel good. He talked about introducing rice cereal and this is a topic that I have been hung up on. I can't decide whether to do it or not. I did it with Adrian, and probably would have with Ainslee. But, after we lost Ainslee, I have found myself questioning a lot more which alters my parenting too. I'm not sure I really feel rice cereal is necessary, can't quite see the nutritional benefits it provides. I know it has iron in it but feel that at 4 1/2 months she's getting what she needs from breast milk. Today Hadlee's been pretty fussy but we've been patient with it. We were able to get her moved over into the bassinet, almost in time for her to outgrow it. But, it's working for the time being which I am glad. I feel she is safer in there. She is waking up frequently at night and only goes a maximum of 4 hours in between feedings. That 4 hours usually only happens right when she goes to sleep and then when she gets up for her first feeding around 1 AM, then she goes back to sleep until 4, and then until 6:30 AM. It gets to be pretty exhausting and with being up frequently, having to work full time, and still carrying grief daily, it makes for a pretty tiresome Mommy. I'm not complaining, this is all a good tired....but tired nonetheless. All in all, we're thankful every day for our family and really looking forward to all Hadlee will be attempting in the next couples months. Hopefully we'll be watching her sit up and start to really come into her own. Something that has been such a joy to see is watching Adrian with her. I felt so guilty when Ainslee passed away that I wasn't able to give Adrian the love of a sibling that he deserved. Hadlee has become smitten with her older brother. He makes her laugh so hard and it is the sweetest sound to hear. I love nothing more than seeing the love between them two at this age. I can't wait until she starts crawling and can follow him around everywhere. They are going to be quite the pair.

Hattie is 4 months!

Our sweet Hadlee Hope is now 4 months old. What a big milestone! We've made it to a new month with her. I remember when Adrian was 4 months, going to his 4 month well check and the pediatrician telling me that the 4th month is the biggest SIDS month. So, I am paying close attention to her as always, and thanking God for every new day He brings us. I am so ready to get to 6 months when SIDS will decrease a bit. This chunky monkey 4 month old baby is so funny! She started rolling over on July 27th from her back to her stomach. I was so incredibly impressed. She's by far my earliest with everything at this point. She brings her legs up to her face, gets over on her side, and then flips really quick to her tummy. And now, we can't keep her on her back for more than a couple seconds. We've been treating cradle cap, eczema, and a neck yeast infection that is so persistent. I can't seem to get it to go away. I've taken her to our chiro for various things and he was treating her yeast infection. It would help for a couple days but then come back with a vengence. One day last week, Hadlee hadn't gone #2 for 5 days and as a Mom, I always like to see a good healthy BM. Makes me feel like they're getting their systems good and cleaned out. Well, I called the chiro to see if they could help me. He told me to bring her in and they'd adjust her tailbone. So, I did. He said I should see something in her diaper in a couple of hours. I didn't know whether to believe this or not....but sure enough, within 30 minutes, I had quite the diaper to clean up. I was impressed. Hadlee is still in size 1 diapers, size 3-6 month clothes, and still loves her nap nanny. I can't seem to get her out of it, or out of her swaddle. I'm not sure how we're ever going to get her out of a swaddle and into her bassinet or crib (in our room). Sleeping wise, she sometimes has great nights, and then can have really awful nights. Last night was an awful night. On a good night, she may eat at 8:30 or 9, go to bed by 10 and get up at 5, go back to bed until 8. That's a great night for us. A bad night....those are pretty exhuasting. She will eat at 8:30, won't be able to be laid down until 11:30, may wake back up upon laying down, up to eat at 1, then restless in between nighttime feedings to where I have to constantly shhh her, pat her, rock her. Those nights are difficult..and the next day is even harder. :) I nurse Hadlee once a day b/c our chiro says that's how your body knows what antibodies to produce for your baby's needs. The saliva in the baby tells your milk supply what to produce. She is not a fan of actual nursing so even if I just latch her on for a bit, that's all it takes. I have still been pumping and feeding her bottles, and putting a probiotic in her bottle to help with good bacteria, hopefully will help with the yeast as well. I can officially say she is my longest breastfeeder! I love that! Adrian was 2 1/2 months, Ainslee was 3 months and 10 days, and Hadlee is still on BM. She takes about 3-4 ounces every feeding and eats every 3 hours. We're still trying to figure out naps too during the day. She has taken an hour to two hour nap occasionally, but on average naps about 45 minutes each time. I'll be glad to see the day when sleeping gets a little better around here. Hadlee has really found her voice and has started this new screeching squeeling sound. I think she just wants everyone to know she's here. She's started to laugh more and drools a ton! I know some pediatricians start 4 month olds on rice cereal and fruits/veggies, but I'm still weighing what to do with regards to food. I'm not sure she really is ready for food, especially rice cereal since it can be so binding on their tummies. I'll talk to our ped at her 4 month well check which is 2 weeks away. Other than that, we're all still trying to get into a routine with me back to work (working from home), and all the beautiful chaos that accompanies having a 3 year old and a 4 month old. I still need to get Adrian's birthday party and his 3 year old post up but have so much to say...need to find the right time.

Hadlee is 3 months!

A very happy 3 months to my sweet Hadlee Hope! My dear Hadlee, You are growing bigger everyday...literally! You now weigh 12 pounds! And you have the cutest little butt rolls next to your butt. Makes it look like you have 2 butts, I love it! Your thighs are getting chunkier and it looks like all of Mommy's milk goes straight to your cheeks! The ones on your face. :) You are smiling, talking and love to try and use your legs. You try to push straight up when I hold you on my lap so you stand. You have some mean cradle cap that I try to scrub off a bit with a brush during your baths. And you absolutely love your baths and the water so it makes it super easy to scrub. I can pour water from the wash cloth over your head and it'll trickle down the sides of your face and you don't mind it one bit. Your brother isn't too fond of water being in his face and eyes (we're currently battling swimming lessons) so I'm trying to get you more used to water in your face during bathtime. And you seem to really enjoy it. You have really started to show an ability to try and roll over from your back to your tummy. Anytime you are in your bouncer, you're trying to spin over onto your tummy and you have to be watched constantly so you don't actually flip and get stuck! That would scare Mommy for sure. Speaking of scares, last night your snuza alarm went off and I shook you to wake up. You were fine and breathing but it sure did scare the daylights out of me. I think it just got stuck too far to the side of your diaper and didn't register your movements. At least I hope. You are in one of your non nursing phases so Mommy is pumping milk for you and feeding bottles. I do occasionally still nurse you but you get frustrated after eating on one side and then I have to end up pumping anyways and feeding you the rest. I took you to a SIDS support group meeting the other night though and breastfed you at the restaurant. My first time ever to breastfeed in public. I was so excited about this! I felt like a great mother. You are taking about 4 ounces in each bottle. You still get swaddled when it's time to sleep. Your brother held you yesterday and helped to feed you some of your bottle, with us right there of course. He absolutely loved being a part of caring for you. He loves you so much. Just as we all do. You are still in a size 1 Pampers diaper and can fit some 0-3 month clothes but are moving more into the 3-6 month clothes. You got to go to the family lakehouse 2 weekends ago and are going again this weekend. I am so thankful to have been able to take you there. I love you so so much Hadlee. I pray every day for your health, for your growth, and for Jesus to constantly breath life into you. Please don't ever leave us my dear girl, we love you too much. Always, Your Mommy

Catch Up-Hadlee's Urgent Care Visit

So I'm posting about Hadlee's little urgent care visit when she was 2 months and 4 days old. I want to remember what we went through in case we ever have that happen with another child, I will know that we can make it through it and things will be fine. I have a much more important post later today! So, rewind to Friday, June 15th. Travis was at work and I laid Adrian down for his nap. Soon enough, H was ready to lay down for a nap too. So, I got her swaddled up and laid her in her nap nanny. She slept for about 40 minutes, just enough time for me to fall asleep. She woke up and I was frustrated that I didn't get any nap in. I was just exhausted that day. When she woke up, she felt warm but I associated it with her swaddle. So, I got her unswaddled and took her into the living room. She still seemed warm after 30 minutes so I took her temp, temporally. It registered 99.5. I called the pediatrician because it was 4 on a Friday and I knew they were closing soon. I knew it was low grade but just wanted to see what to do if it changes at all. They did tell me to go ahead and just take her to Cook's urgent care to get her checked out. When I would hold her, she would kind of grunt when she was breathing and I didn't like the sound of it. So, I called Travis and had him come home early. I really didn't want to take Adrian in the facility, trying to avoid getting any further illnesses. As I arrived at the urgent care, I checked her in and they immediately got me in the check in area. They took her temp rectally and it brought back a lot of emotions. I've never taken my kid's temps rectally as I've felt it's such a little area and so private. I've always felt it's so personal. The day Ainslee passed away and was in the ER, I remember holding her hand and all of a sudden a nurse came in and undid her diaper and stuck a thermometer in her bottom. No asking, just did it. And I understand why they were just working so diligently to try and save her and monitor her temp to see what the reading was. But, I vividly remember in that moment feeling so violated for her and thinking "my God, she is so little, have mercy on her please." The nurse at the urgent care taking Hadlee's said her temp was 102.4. I instantly fell apart. How could there be such a discrepancy in readings from just 30 minutes. And of course the flashbacks from the ER came in and I felt like we were back to surrendering to fear. They got us back and did a series of testing. They ended up catheterizing her, drawing blood, and doing a chest x-ray. Every initial test came back normal. They gave us the option of taking her home and treating for fever, or doing a spinal tap and giving a shot of antibiotics just in case it was a bacterial infection. I barely got through a rectal temp reading so there was no way I was going to electively consent to a spinal tap. We took her home and treated for fever. They wanted me to bring her back in the next day for a recheck. I did and they still felt they were seeing a viral infection making it's way through. That Saturday night at 8 pm was the last time we had to administer tylenol. Through this process, I ended up having to pump and bottle feed Hadlee for the first time to ensure she was getting enough fluid. The last thing I wanted was dehydration. During that, she decided it was easier to feed from a bottle than from me which made me so sad. I was able to get her back to nursing the following week but we're on a no nursing phase again this week. So, I'm pumping and feeding her the bottle. I do occasionally nurse her on one side and she will eat okay on one side and then get really angry and frustrated when I switch her and then falls apart. So, I either warm up some already pumped milk or finish pumping off what she hasn't eaten and feed her that. All the blood cultures and urine cultures came back normal so nothing bacteria wise was growing out. She sure gave us a scare. Of course 2 weeks after Ainslee had a fever, she passed away. So, the countdown began. We've passed that two weeks and she has been fine. It was such a scary time for us and I was fearful my breastfeeding days were done, but we're pushing through. I'll update with her 3 month a little later....the little stinker is waking up and ready to eat! :)

The Wave of Grief

I have been in the biggest blog funk I've ever experienced. I have so many things that come up that I totally want to blog about and then the beautiful chaos of babies and life stop me. Which I am completely fine with. We had a scare with Hadlee when she was 2 months and 4 days old. She got really ill and I've wanted to blog about that and our experience. Adrian turned 3 at the end of June and I want a post for his birthday. Of course I want to update on our Hattie girl and all she's doing. But first, let me talk about the wave of grief. Most times, since Hadlee's been born, I get so consumed with the busyness of taking care of a newborn/baby, taking care of a toddler, being a wife, trying to keep up with the house and life that it doesn't leave much emotional energy to grieve as heavy. Every day I think of Ainslee, I remember her. I think of our time together and little things I miss about her. But when I find myself falling into the depths of grief, one of my living children needs me and I quickly jump onto what it is they need me for and then get lost in life. Because of how busy we are most days I'm not allowing myself to get consumed with grief. Today I handed off Hadlee to her Daddy so I could eat dinner and happened to glance at a picture of Ainslee, one of her most precious pictures. May be one of my favorites...This one: I've found that when I look at her pictures now I feel the heaviness again. And just like that, as I stared at her picture...the heaviness was back. And I gave into grief. I sat at the kitchen table and just wept, mourning once again for the daughter I've lost, the daughter I miss terribly, the one I'll never get to watch grow up. As I even write this, I find myself having to remind my lungs to breath. The wave of grief has struck today but I still stand grounded, blessed, and stronger. Last night I took Hadlee to a SIDS support meeting where I met with 5 other mothers who all lost their babies to SIDS, ages 3-5 months of age. Tears were shed and I couldn't help but look at my Hadlee and feel so incredibly blessed to be given another chance. But I also feel so disheartened at the loss of Ainslee. I miss my 21 month old running around here, what she'd look like, who she'd be, the love she would give me and the love I could give to her. Today I gave into grief and grief won. But, I will say that there are more days that I am winning the battle and allowing myself to grow in strength. It's not an easy road and I've found myself losing my patience, having more anger, and not being the normal "Channan" so to speak. I'm going to find a way to work through that and I associate it all with feeling like I need to have control over every situation yet not being able to have that control all the time. I get sad at the friendships that have changed that I hope to one day restore. I'm not sure if those friendships will ever be salvageable due to not feeling like I had those people at the time when I most needed them. Again there is way more to sort out in this head of mine then I am able to type. Maybe one day I will be able to be fully honest with my feelings to those who have hurt me, made me feel like I should be "better", and those that haven't been there the way I thought. Sorry for the tangant. Hadlee will be 3 months old tomorrow! Just 11 days away from Ainslee's age when she passed away. Maybe that's why I'm getting more anxious, more angry, more unpredictable. While I understand that about myself, I'm not sure that anyone else does. I just keep praying my way through each day.

9 weeks

My Dear Hadlee Hope, Today you are 9 weeks old. You are growing so much. You bring so much joy into all of our lives. It has been so much fun to watch you get older and with each week we reach another milestone with you. I am so thankful for each day, each week. You have been awake more during the day. You love your little parrot that is on your car seat. You think he's your boyfriend and you smile at him and talk to him. It cracks me up. You are pretty good in the car when we take rides. I sometimes have to reach back at a stop light and give you your paci. You love your paci just like Adrian and Ainslee did. Your brother just gave up his paci's this last weekend! We were so proud. During the day you will nurse on both sides, then stay awake for about an hour and then it's time for you to go back to sleep. So, I swaddle you with your arms in now and that tells you it's time for bed. Your colicky periods have started to ease up. You usually cry if you're needing something or just tired. Sometimes when I nurse you, you get fussy so I have to stand up and nurse you while I bounce and shhh you. It's an art! :) You've gotten better about going right back to sleep at night after you nurse. You are still in your nap nanny in Mommy and Daddy's room with your snuze on your diaper. You love to smile and talk to me and you are still trying to master the talking. I sometimes hear a little laugh when you are sleeping. You have MASSIVE blowouts in your diapers that leak through and ruin your clothes! Tonight I gave you a bath and you just love your baths. As I washed your face you just smiled. Our new thing we like to do is sing together. I have loved singing to you. I've never really sang before to our babies. I always try but usually no one likes it. You seem to like my singing. I've been singing songs to you that remind me of Ainslee. I feel like I'm singing to her and telling her story to you through the songs. I feel like it's my way of telling you how I feel about our loss. You are our hope Hadlee and we are so very thankful for you and for your love. I love you to the moon and back. Yours always- Mommy