I finally feel caught up on some sleep and don't feel as exhausted. I actually had enough energy today to do quite a bit of housework without a nap. I haven't felt like that in awhile. So, I promised an update today about Ainslee's birthday. I wanted to write more yesterday for her birthday but the emotional exhaustion wore me out and I had to listen to my body telling me to rest.
Yesterday Ainslee's birthday celebration was beautiful. It was a beautiful day here in DFW and the only thing that could've been better was having Ainslee's face to kiss on. I got up early in the morning and started ironing our clothes for the day. Everyone was to wear pink or their Walk to Remember shirts in honor of Ainlsee's special day. I had one of my dear friends come over at 8:30. I picked Ainslee's cake up at 8. This cake we would all eat at our house. The cake turned out just precious. I had them do baby blocks, just like her headstone. I felt she's my baby and I want everything to be age appropriate.
After the cake I headed to the flower shop and picked up Ainslee's birthday cake for us to take to the cemetery. We then headed to Party City to get Ainslee's 29 balloons. We rushed back to our house, got ready, and headed up to the cemetery.
We met about 30 people at the cemetery at 10 am ready to celebrate this special girl. As everyone arrived, we all held hands, and used the power of prayer to start her celebration. I prayed for our sweet girl. I thanked God for letting us have her, for being her parents. I prayed that we would always remember the life behind this sweet girl and all she taught us. From trusting, to faith, to unconditional love. I then prayed that God would take care of everyone else's pains and sufferings and hold us all close to Him.
We then dispersed all the balloons and sharpies and wrote our birthday wishes to our daughter. I wrote how proud of her I am, and how much I miss her. I wished her a Happy 1st Birthday. We counted to 3 and as we released all 29 balloons, we shouted, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY AINSLEE!" Adrian loves sending up balloons to his sister.
We finished the balloon release just in time to gather around her headstone, light her candle on her flower birthday cake, and then it was 10:36.....the time she was born. We began singing... I did pretty good throughout the first part of the song until it came time to say her name, and I couldn't finish. I couldn't believe we were singing to a headstone. That the life I felt so wonderfully was gone. And not just temporarily, permanently.
Concluding our cemetery ceremony, we then headed back to our house for cake and ice cream. It was a pretty relaxed time with our friends and family. It was wonderful to see all the support we had. We had so many others across the US that wore pink for Ainslee and released balloons for her. All of these people put pictures on facebook for us to see. I even received a video of a little girl singing Baby Ainslee a Happy Birthday song. I was so greatful to have all the support, all the love, all the thoughts, all the prayers. The pain was still ever present, still knowing she wasn't coming back.
As everyone left, and Adrian laid down for his nap, Travis and I decided we needed to nap as well and it was much needed, although not enough. We took Adrian to church at 5 for Mass followed by Trunk or Treat at our church. The flowers at the alter were in memory of Ainslee. I felt going to church on her birthday and ending it with seeing Adrian having fun was a good way to end the day. Seeing him happy brings joy to our lives and keeps us going.
Tomorrow marks Halloween. This was the first holiday we had with Ainslee. I vividly remember being in the hospital with her, dressed in her Halloween outfit and bow, looking cute as can be. I look at that outfit all the time and just remember holding her, thinking I finally have a daughter. I am the mother of a little girl.
Ainslee girl- I hope you had a heavenly celebration. I so wish you were here to celebrate with us. We miss you more than words could ever begin to express. You brought us so much joy in the short 3 months you were with us. We never would have expected that we would only have 3 months with you. At any rate, I am thankful to have had you for those three months than not at all. And all this pain is so worth it, just having held you and been your mother for that time. I know you would be walking now, talking more, laughing, playing with your brother. I would've given anything to see you smash into your birthday cake yesterday. I look at Adrian's 1 year pics and try to imagine what you'd be like and how you would've changed since 3 months. I pray that you are well taken care of. I pray that Mima is taking care of you and holding you close. I pray that you don't fear anything, that you have laughter all the time, that you aren't scared of darkness. I pray that you see us everyday and know what you mean to us, know how much we need you. I pray you hear us when we talk to you, when we pray, when we read you stories, when we sing to you. I pray you never stop watching over us and I pray you keep us all safe. We love you, we love you, we love you. And miss you every day.
Happy birthday my sweet girl.
Always,
Channan
