Happy Ainslee Day! 2 Years of Grief.

February 8th, 2013.....2 years. I can't believe our 2nd year is complete. The week leading up to February and to the 8th made me sick to my stomach in anticipation. I knew it was coming, and I knew there was no way to avoid it or sleep through it all. The night of February 7th I felt the sadness creep in and after putting the kiddos to bed, talked to Travis for a bit on the couch. I began saying how much I am missing out on Ainslee. I miss her being 2 years old. I think about what type of bedtime routine she would have and how she would wake up in the morning. Would she play for a bit in her crib or would she be in a toddler bed? Would she say "Momma" and I'd go to her rescue...would she want to immediately get on the couch with a sippy cup of milk and watch a show? Or would she want to get in bed with me to snuggle a bit and wake up slowly. Would she want breakfast right away or want to wait a bit and what would she want for breakfast. How would her voice sound and what would her smile look like. I hate not knowing. That made me so sad. That night I went to sleep wishing I'd wake up and it'd be a dream, knowing I couldn't be that lucky. The next morning, I woke up to the babbling of Hadlee and walked out to see Adrian on the couch with Daddy snuggling. I reminded Adrian what this day was and he was so excited, "It's Ainslee Day!!!!" He was so excited to celebrate the life of his sweet sister and I was glad to see his happiness in this moment. My goal was to celebrate her life, not dwell in her death. Even though February 8th will forever be a sad day, if I drowned in the grief and sadness, I won't be able to be the best person I can be. We went and got Ainslee flowers and balloons and first went to the cemetery. We let her balloons go to heaven, gave her flowers, and prayed as a family to have glimpses of happiness. We then headed off to the Fort Worth stock show. We had such a good time. I did have a moment of sadness out there thinking what if Ainslee is sad she's gone, and we're just off celebrating. I tried to push that out of my head and keep saying let's do fun things for Ainslee. We talked about her all day. We always talk about her as if she's physically here with us all the time and we are truly a family of 5. Adrian loved seeing all the animals, the big cows, the sheep, the pigs, the goats. Adrian just HAD to hold these baby goats but in order to hold a baby goat, you had to purchase a $12 picture. We of course said okay. So, he sat down and had one goat on his lap and another one standing right next to him. Just as the photographer took his picture, the goat thought his hair looked quite appetizing and decided to start eating it. Adrian got tickled with laughter as the goat enjoyed his hairy snack and the picture turned out priceless. My $12 laugh was a memorable one and I am so glad we have that funny memory. After all the animal fun, we went over to the carnival and ride area to have fun riding rides! I got to ride a roller coaster with Adrian and it was his first roller coaster ride. At the end of the day, we thought we'd buy Adrian his first pair of cowboy boots and they are adorable! I carried Hadlee most of the day in the baby bjorn in front of me and she seemed to really enjoy all the things there to look at. She took a little snooze in my arms and I found myself staring at her and finding such hope and healing in that moment. I remembered 2 years ago when we lost Ainslee holding her lifeless body in my arms, returning to a cold empty home, having to pump and wean myself of breastfeeding. Fast forward 2 years, I was looking down at Ainslee's little sister Hadlee and admiring how beautiful she was, alive and breathing in my arms. I was still breastfeeding and able to give Hadlee that milk. Travis and I really enjoyed our time as a family on this day that is sad. Through the sadness we were able to remember our sweet Ainslee girl. We talked about her. We loved on her. We celebrated her. We will always celebrate her. And she will always be a part of our family. Another year has gone by and I will say more healing has definitely taken place. We will always miss her and be sad she's not here. We'll always wonder. Travis and I were talking at dinner tonight...Hadlee was already in bed and Adrian was eating with us. We were discussing how Adrian and Hadlee will be 2 grades apart. If Ainslee were here, we'd have all three children in back to back grades. That means in high school we'd have a 10th grader, an 11th grader, and a 12th grader. Life would be wonderfully chaotic. I told Travis that we're always going to miss her and the what if's and how things should be. I guess it's come to a point where we have to accept some things here and there in order to allow this loss to be a part of our lives. Every day is still so different, but we are surely using this loss for good and allowing beautiful things to come of it. We are wonderfully blessed and for that, we are truly grateful. We love you and miss you Ainslee girl!

9 month well check

Yesterday we had Hadlee's 9 month well check. I can not believe her next well check is her 1 year. I can't believe we are getting to plan her birthday party! I am super excited about her party. It's such a great celebration of the life and healing that has come from our sweet girl. Her 9 month well check went great. She is 16 pounds 14 ounces, 12th%. The doctor would like to see her gain a little more weight. Her percentile last time with weight was 22nd so she's dropped a bit. She just doesn't love to sit still long enough to eat much and I can't force food. I give her bottles, still with breastmilk and a formula bottle before bed. She only takes 4 ounces a bottle. Then I offer her breakfast, lunch, and dinner with some Mum Mum goodness in between. She sometimes loves her meals, or sometimes refuses them. I feel a little pressure to make sure she's gaining a little more, but she looks super healthy. She has gotten a lot busier with crawling and wanting to stay active. She gets preoccupied easily when she's taking her bottle if someone is in the room or something catches her eye. She is in the 58th percentile for height, and 53rd for head circumfrance which are both on the same path she has been on. I discussed taking her off the alarm part of the angel care. There are so many false alarms and on the nights when we are all sleeping sound, it can bolt us out of bed in a hurry and disrupt a peaceful sleeping baby as well. So, we've decided at 9 months to take her off the alarm part. I do still have her on a video monitor on the angel carea and have the sound constantly on to hear any noises she's making. This is going to take a little getting used to and trusting. At 9 months old, Hadlee is so so busy and active. She is crawling all over the house now. She sits up, goes from sitting to crawling, pulls up on everything, and is a smiley baby. Right now she's cutting all four top teeth and a little miserable with that. I am still a pumping queen! I can't believe I've made it this long with pumping but I feel too selfish yet to just quit when I know how great it is for her. Especially for flu season, I feel it can hopefully help with any extra antibodies. For her meals, I am going to start offering her more "people food" to see if she takes to that a little more. Hadlee loves her baths, her dog Cash, her big brother, Mum Mums, and always wants her Mommy. She does love it when her Daddy comes home from work and gets upset if he doesn't pick her up right away. When she's wanting to snuggle with Mommy, she puts her head into my neck and her left arm down my shirt. Her sister used to do the same thing. It's so sweet and brings back sweet memories. Hadlee is in size 6-9 month clothing and jammies, size 2-3 diapers. She also loves her paci's. She is not the biggest fan on diaper changes which is always so much fun, especially when she's trying a crocodile death roll. Adrian would do the same thing when he was a baby. The weather in Texas has been so pleasantly nice lately and we've enjoyed our days playing outside and letting Hadlee ride in her new wagon and Adrian's old blue car. She seems to love being outside. I have to share this little moment from tonight. I just finished putting Hadlee down to sleep and I was feeding her her bottle and rocking her in the dark. I could see her eyes just staring at me and I just stared back and for a moment, I got lost in this little girl who all of a sudden looked so incredibly much like her older sister. It took me back to the nights I would rock Ainslee and see her gazing up at me. Hadlee looked so much like her that it actually took my breath away, and I don't have too many moments like that. It was a sweet reminder of how much I love my babies, how sweet Ainslee is, how healing Hadlee is, and how wonderfully blessed we are. We're in the home stretch for a year. I can't believe we've almost made it. I am so looking forward to the next few months. I am ready to get Ainslee's 2 year angelversary behind us. I dread this day and the days and weeks leading up to it. I'm ready to celebrate Easter with Hadlee and Adrian and put on the greatest celebration for Hadlee's birthday.

Beam Me Up

Sigh...if only, just for a moment. I'd give anything to just spend another minute with my little monchichi Ainslee. To look at her sweet little monkey face, her dark brown eyes, her sweet little mouth and watch it make all the Ainslee-like motions it would. I would feel her put her hand in my shirt as she always did, cuddled into the best part of my neck. I'd feel her sweet felt like hair against my chin and it'd smell the most perfect little smell. I miss her. More than I think. Sometimes I think I'm making it, and I suppose I am. While other times, I simply miss her. Sometimes I can go to a place where I imagine what my arms would feel like with the 3 month 10 day old Ainslee in my arms. And I imagine what it would feel like to have the 2 year 3 month old Ainslee arms wrapped around my body. I can almost imagine what that would feel like. I can almost see her olive skin and the velvetty feel. I can almost smell her sweet innocent breath. I imagine me rocking her to sleep tonight with her head against my chest, her arms around me, her mouth open just enough to be breathing into my neck. Oh how I miss that sweet angel baby of mine. Some days are okay. Other days are excruciating. Lately I've heard the new Pink song called Beam Me Up. I've always felt like it may be a good song and always feel a little tug when it comes on, but never slow down enough to actually listen to it. I got a text from my sister in law Carrie the other night telling me the song reminds her of me and Ainslee. So, I listened to it. I took the time to hear what it was trying to tell me. "There's a whole 'nother conversation going on In a parallel universe. Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts. There's a waltz playing frozen in time Blades of grass on tiny bare feet I look at you and you're looking at me." Oh her tiny bare feet. What I would do to look at them, to count each and every little toe. To feel the innocense beneath her little feet, to wonder where they would one day take her. Only to have that dream crushed in time. "Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think, a minute's enough, Just beam me up." I know I would just stare, taking in every little inch of her beautiful baby face. Happy just to be there wouldn't even come close to how I would feel next to her, holding her face. I can imagine my aged hands around her perfect cheeks and her elf-like ears, feeling heaven in the palm of my hands. Feeling lighter is so perfectly portrayed when it comes to be being a fighter. Every day is a fight whether it's visible to others or not. The fight is a hard one and it's not easy. Some days may be lighter, while the hardest of days feel like you're going to lose a fight. Being a fighter is exhausting. Wanting my child back is exhausting. But I would take all the exhausting and excruciating painful moments all over again, for only a minute with her face. I miss my little monkey. Being a grief stricken mother is difficult. But I would give anything to have a break from reality, even if it were 60 seconds, to feel the joy that Ainslee brought me. If only I could. Beam me up. I love you my girl.

A Baby Changes Everything

The above title has so much meaning to me, in so many ways. Rewind 3 1/2 years ago. We were pregnant with our first born. A son. And he was born with jet black hair and the most beautifully perfect face I had ever seen. He made me a Mom and gave me new meaning in this life. I learned about loving so deeply and definitely had the "first time Mom" feel about me. I cleaned every inch of every paci any time it remotely touched the floor. I had a protective air about me which would go in over gear should I feel anyone was intruding my motherly instinct space. I did everything the best way I knew how and I did it out of love for my son. He definitely changed the dynamic of our family and I am so grateful for that. A baby changes everything. When Adrian was 7 months old, we found out we were pregnant with another baby. It would be our little girl. I was scared at first, thinking Adrian would think I didn't love him enough and didn't make enough time for him with a new baby on the way. We found out we were having a baby girl and I was ecstatic to have a boy and a girl. What a true blessing. This little girl was captivating. She was unexpected, but beautiful nonetheless. Her brown eyes were like chocolate, the sweetest little voice. And she'd curl up in the nape of my neck which could soothe her on even the roughest of colicky days. Ainslee and I attended our first mother/daughter Christmas program and I remember that day vividly. We were in the 5-6th row and I had her in her carseat, all bundled up. She began to fuss and I took her out, held her close, in the nape of my neck. I cried. I felt a little overwhelmed in the moment. I knew this baby was everything to our family. I knew that she came to change us, just didn't know how. As I held her, I heard the most beautiful voice singing a song so dear to me now. "She has to leave, go far way. Heaven knows, she can't stay. A Baby changes Everything." And I cried. And I cried. I cried at the change this baby brought to our family. Feeling so blessed to have Adrian and Ainslee. Feeling sad and guilty that I wasn't able to give more of my undivided attention to Adrian individually, and the same to Ainslee. I also cried at trying to imagine what it must be like to be told you are expecting God's son. Jesus. He would come and be the Messiah. What a scary thing to be told. So much uncertainty. To have Him in a stable, no room for them. The grace that Mary must have. The grace that Joseph must have. The change this baby would bring to you and to me. Going through the loss of Ainslee was tragic beyond words. It continues to be a grief battle. But through that battle and loss of hope...a baby was born. Our sweet Hadlee Hope. I remember when they put Hadlee on my chest when she was born, she looked up all around to see what was going on. That is so Hadlee. She is still just as nosy as the day she was born. I am so grateful for her. I remember when I had her I was so confused by the whole process of everything we had been through. It can still seem surreal at times to think of all the events of having Ainslee, losing her, and having Hadlee...all so close together. It was definitely not my plan. Trusting in plans that are not of my own are difficult for me. I see myself falling into fear more often than not and quite frankly, get tired of it. I get tired of feeling paralyzed by fear, wondering what may possibly happen next. Will I be this poor woman who loses her husband, and all children? I sure hope not. But now that I am no stranger to grief and loss, I can't help but feel that I may lose everything. Natural? Sure. Exhausting? Absolutely. I find myself lately being absolutely head over heels in love with these two living children of mine. I've never felt so in love with them. I am addicted to them to a fault. They consume my mind, my heart, every fiber I have. And tonight, I am truly grateful for all the babies who have changed my life. And everything that has come along with that. A Baby changes Everything. It truly does.

Church blog-Thanks Be To God

A few weeks ago I was blessed with the opportunity to blog for our church. I am so excited about this opportunity to share my faith with others. Here is my first post below... “I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.” (President Abraham Lincoln, Proclamation, October 3, 1863) Thanksgiving. A time for crisper weather, changing of leaves, a roasted Turkey, gravy, cranberry sauce, and football! I’m sure any human would automatically revert to this thinking when hearing the word “Thanksgiving.” That, and pilgrims. Abraham Lincoln wanted to ensure despite American’s differences, we were giving thanks to the source from whom all blessings flow. Growing up, I have a ton of wonderful Thanksgiving memories of my grandmother and grandfather’s home, her cooking like a mad woman, hiding the rum in her coke somewhere in a corner, all of us grandkids with our fingers constantly in the relish tray, and all the men miserably full from the amazing food she would prepare. Sure, these are all fabulous memories to me. But one memory that has to be my most favorite Thanksgiving memory is my Thanksgiving with my 2nd born, Ainslee. There was a turkey, there was gravy, there was a relish tray. There was my baby. She was perfect in every way at only a month old. She of course slept wonderfully up until it was time for me to enjoy my Thanksgiving meal. Then she wanted her Thanksgiving meal. I took her upstairs to nurse her and remember how incredibly blessed I felt to have this beautiful dark haired baby to spend Thanksgiving with. Another wonderful blessing to be truly thankful for. That would be our only Thanksgiving together but it would lead me to a place I never thought possible to reach. Her love and short life lead me to Him, our Creator. Sure I always had a faith filled life and considered myself to be a Christian. But she would lead me to His love and ultimately experience the satisfaction of what Thanksgiving meant. “Do this in memory of Me.” Jesus Christ offers Himself under the form of bread and wine. He surrenders Himself unto us for our nourishment, for our salvation, for the cleansing of our humanly bodies, to save us. By receiving Him, we accept rejuvenation for ourselves and divine vitality which can only come from His Thanksgiving. So naturally the sacrificial banquet of remembrance is called the Eucharist, or “thanksgiving.” “Let us give thanks to the Lord our God.” Thanking Him during this time and for our salvation and giving all praise to Him is what has always been intended during this time of thanks. He gave His whole, entire self to us-body, blood, soul and divinity. Thanksgiving isn’t separated from sacrifice and the Mass itself is a celebration of God’s undying love through His very own sacrifice. This is how we truly accept Christ and live a Christian life, by allowing Him to be our nourishment, our Thanksgiving. True thanksgiving means self-giving. This is the meaning of the Eucharist. I can think of no American holiday that so closely resembles the symbolism and meaning of the sacrament of the Eucharist. We celebrate Thanksgiving as a sign of American unity and thanksgiving to God who has given us great gifts. Today I am thankful for my family, my job and my home. I’m thankful for the salvation of Jesus Christ and the hope of Heaven. I am thankful for His sacrifice. I thank Him every day for that dark haired baby girl. That she lead me to where I need to be spiritually. I am so incredibly thankful to have spent a Thanksgiving with her and for the chance to be shown and taught about true Thanksgiving. I’m thankful God trusted me to be her mother, knowing what her 3 months on this earth would do for this broken Christian. Today I am thankful for the Eucharist. I am thankful for Thanksgiving.

Family Pictures and a Hadlee update!

So...a little Hadlee update! I have some good news. I have been able to get Hadlee OUT of her swaddle...FINALLY! At 6+ months, she is out of her swaddle and sleeping in her sleep sacks over her sleeper. Oh that in itself makes me happy. That's the first good news. The 2nd good news is we moved her over to her room! On Ainslee's birthday, we moved Hadlee to the girl's room because sleep was just not happening in this house and it was exhausting. I wasn't ready to move her, but we had to try anything. And....the 3rd good news-It worked!!!!!!!!! Hadlee is sleeping so much better in her bed. Last night was her best night yet. She went to sleep just fine, got up at 2:30 in the morning, and then back to bed until 6 this morning. I am one happy Momma. I think she had to get out of our room and sleeping next to me. She could sniff me out as soon as I'd come in the room to get in bed. I am sleeping in the guest room now because it's closer to her room and makes me feel safer until I get used to her sleeping. Even though she's sleeping better, I am still checking her monitor every 30 minutes to an hour. The other night we did have a little scare with her monitor. I haven't had any false alarms on her angel care until the other night. I was having a hard time falling asleep and finally started to doze...then it happened, the alarm went off. I flew out of bed, covers flying, my legs were like jello as I was trying to figure out how to use them to get running. It was an awful kind of panic. I got down the hall, into her room, scooped her up and couldn't even look at her to see if I was going to be looking at a breathing baby, or a lifeless one. I took her to my husband and could feel her breathing so knew she was fine. I told him what happened and I was taking her to bed with me to just feel her breath for a bit. I laid with her for an hour just holding her and then she was ready to eat. So so scary. The next day, we had her 6 month pictures and our family pictures before Christmas card time. I love our sneak peak and how they turned out. I am feeling incredibly blessed to have 2 beautiful living children, a wonderful supportive and handsome husband, and the hope of heaven to be reunited with our entire family. Hope you enjoy some of my favorite pics!

Birthday Blessings

Ainslee's birthday has come and gone. Again. She turned 2! I can't even believe it still. We have had such a busy last week and a half...well actually all of October is always busy for us. So, blogging comes last unfortunately even if I wish I could do it more often. We participated in our annual Holton's Drive for SIDS event again this year which was on October 27th, my due date with Ainslee. Last year was my first event to attend and I had recently found out I was pregnant with Hadlee. I was only about 8 weeks along and wasn't telling a soul. I was scared last year of where we'd be this year. But as this year approached, I began to see how beautiful life is. I don't always understand it, but it's beautiful nonetheless....if you allow yourself to see the beauty. I was so incredibly grateful to have added another baby girl. And it was great to show up to the event with our Hadlee in tow. No one knew last year I was pregnant, so to show up this year with a 6 month old was fabulous! We made great memories and raised money to help find answers to the mystery of SIDS. That Sunday, October 28th, we had Ainslee's birthday party at the cemetery. We invited some friends and family and our Deacon at church. It was a beautiful day, sunny with a cool breeze, just perfect. We started with words from the Bible and blessing of her headstone. We then sang Happy Birthday, released balloons with our birthday wishes on them, and then had cupcakes. I got Rainbow Roses for Hadlee to give to her big sister and I think it's a tradition I'll start every year. It was truly a wonderful way to remember the day we had Ainslee. On Ainslee's birthday, October 29th, we didn't want to plan anything because we didn't know how we'd feel. We woke up, and I immediately cried. I longed for my 2 year old. I missed the last year and 9 months of watching her grow, hearing her sweet voice, feeling her face and hands on my face. I just missed her and grief took over again. Luckily, I have 2 pretty sweet living kiddos to really help me out. They can help restore such happiness in this broken Momma. I am really thankful for that. We ended up hanging out at home and then visiting her at the cemetery as a family. Later, Travis' parents picked up some food and came over. We just hung out as a family and it was low key, but just what we needed. The entire day, I thought about the day I had Ainslee. How beautiful she was with jet black hair, sparkly brown eyes, and beautiful olive toned skin. She was like a sack of potatoes, so healthy, so consuming, so perfect. I remember feeling a different feeling becoming the mother to a little baby girl. I remember holding her in recovery and just staring at her thinking, she is mine. The day of her birth was a happy one. For Ainslee's birthday, I did 2 things. I heard a story of a 4th grade class that is wanting to take a class trip to Austin to the capitol. Most of these children don't financially have the ability to support a trip like this. So, I decided to "adopt" a child to pay for their trip. I got a very sweet thank you card in the mail, mentioning Ainslee and how happy the little girl was that we got another daughter. Her teacher, one of my roommates in college, must have told her about our story and the compassion that this little girl had was beyond sweet. The 2nd thing I did was to purchase a birthday gift for a girl who was turning 15 that is in a foster home type setting but doesn't receive much for her birthday. Giving to two other girls during Ainslee's birthday was fulfilling. We are now in the time period of when we had Ainslee alive. I relive those events. We had her at Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, her baptism, and followed by her death. The countdown to February begins. My hope is in Heaven and the reality that we will be together again....one sweet day. Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet Ainslee girl. Your brother talks about you every day. He says how much he misses you and Jesus. :) He thinks Jesus is one of our babies too. :) Oh your brother cracks me up. I love you Ainslee!